Welcome to the dollhouse

Oh, goody! It's my most favorite time of year! Time for People mag to put out their annual 50 Most Beautiful People issue! With all this depressing talk about job loss and foreclosure and swine flu, we need more images of attractive people to make us feel better. Enough with ugly people like Susan Boyle. (By the way, can you believe someone that looks like that has a talent? It's sort of like when Quasimodo came down from the bell tower to perform in the Festival of Fools...she's the Fools' Pope!)

OK, seriously...this shit is very timely because I'm mystified at all the rage over Susan Boyle. People are acting as if she's the most hideous person to ever walk the face of the earth. It's so ridiculous. I saw an article that said everyone loves Susan because she's proof that dreams can come true. Well, imagine that! It's as if she was deserving of an appearance-based ritual killing, like a Tanzanian albino. But then she sang, and proved to the world that she deserves to live. Hey, kids, dreams DO come true! Just less often for people who don't look like Frieda Pinto.

"It's what's on the inside that counts!" That feel-good message that's been trumpeted through the treetops to brokenhearted youngsters for ages is the biggest lie ever told. Susan Boyle's a great singer and seems like a very nice lady...but everyone's still just talking about how she looks. Kathy Bates is a fantastic Oscar-winning actress. So is Penelope Cruz. And all you hear about are their looks. Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi...name any woman in politics and you probably know more about what they look like than the minutiae of their careers. Hillary has cankles—off with her head!

The Most Beautiful issue always sets me off. It makes me feel like Dawn Weiner. It's like People magazine barged in on me in a bathroom stall and I cry, "Why do you hate me, People?" and People responds, "Because you're ugly."

Naturally, we have the requisite breathless "Beauty at any age!" write-up. The People website actually says "Vanessa! Halle! Christie! These gorgeous gals prove that true beauty is timeless!" Why just look at Eva Mendes, age 35. "I'm not at all ashamed or frightened about showing my body," Eva tells People. She's so brave...an elderly gal like her posing nude! And how about Halle Berry, who is 42? "Sexiness is a state of mind—a comfortable state of being," she opines. "It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments." Wow, thanks, Halle! I'm sure being deemed one of People's 50 Most Beautiful every single year keeps you from committing suicide whenever you get a zit.

My personal favorite magazine feature is "Stars: They're just like us!" Because even the world's most beautiful have their ugly moments and beauty blunders, if you can believe that! Here's Miley Cyrus: "I had someone waxing my eyebrows and they literally tore a piece of skin off!" OMG! Thank Billy Ray they were able to cover the mess up for Miley's next photo shoot! Saved in the nick of time!

I bet you'll also be shocked to know that blood money socialite Kim Kardashian has bad hair days: "I saw this one [photo] where my hair just looks really awful. It was too flat. I'm really into volume and it was really ugly. I did it on my own, it was my first time trying to put in clip-in extensions. I can't deal with all that." Gee, Kim, my hair looks like that every day and I somehow have the audacity to leave the house and inflict my gnarly look on the general public. I feel better just knowing that Kim has experienced the exact same thing!

I'm not dumb...I get it. They sell mags by putting hot chicks on the cover. But enough with the pandering. These people are successful because of how they look, not in spite of it. Bea Arthur never made the list. Neither did one of my other favorite people in history: Eleanor Roosevelt. Eleanor was one of the most inspiring, accomplished, groundbreaking women ever, and she once said that her only regret in life was that she wasn't pretty.

There's really no point to this post, other than to vent a bit about something that's always gone on and will continue. And to bitch about how much I hate the 50 Most Beautiful People issue. It's like, gee, really? Blake Lively's pretty? Tell me all about it again. Then call me Weiner Dog and tell me my Special People Club is for retards.

Bea. Real.

It's a sad day at S&C HQ. I just heard the news that one of my favorite people of all time has passed away: Bea Arthur.

When I was a little Rockit, I wanted to grow up to be like Maude. And then I hoped that I would be like Dorothy Szbornak when I got older. In real life, Bea was also inspiring. She was a medical technician during World War II, a passionate activist for gay rights and an animal welfare champion. Bea enjoyed reading, gardening, collecting antique furniture and gourmet cooking.

Here are a few cool Bea quotes to celebrate her life:

After being in the business for such a long time, I've done everything but rodeo and porno.

I'm not playing a role. I'm being myself, whatever the hell that is.

Now this goes to the grave with you—I hate cheesecake!

On Maude: Its bold storylines about race, abortion, feminism and drugs would have the typical 2007 network executive balled up in a corner, cradling old Touched by an Angel tapes.

What's your damage, Gwynnie??

From now on when I blog about Gwyneth Paltrow, I'm going to illustrate the post with this picture of wet spinach for two reasons: 1) this looks like Gwynnie's dinner, and 2) Gwynnie is starting to remind me of wet spinach. Seriously, this chick is getting up in Britney territory for making it too easy to rip on her.

As an aside, I have to apologize that this blog has gone from all Britney all the time to all RoL all the time to all Paltrow all the time. Let's have a contest to guess who will be the next target of obsessive coverage. First prize is a subscription to GOOP!

I just have to discuss the latest "newsletter" from STOOP. It deals with a "spiritual concept" that Spinach Dip refers to as the Evil Tongue. Hey, I've heard of that! Heh, heh, heh!

Anyway, she begins this issue with a curious story about an old "frenemy" of hers whom she discovered was "pretty hell-bent on taking me down." Then one day, something very humiliating happened to this person and Gwynnie reacted to the unfortunate event with...a smug little shit-eating grin. But why, Gwynnie wondered, do people react with smiles and laughter when someone else physically or metaphorically falls down? And was this frenemy Spin Dip speaks of WINONA RYDER, by any chance?? Hmmm! Sure makes one stop and think for about one-eighth of a second!

To cleanse her soul, Spin Dip consulted some of her sages, including that Kabballah douchebag she's always blowing and some "zen master" (FOR REAL). Basically, they all spout some version of the same tired idea: people who are happy about others' misfortunes have low self-esteem and a need to build themselves up by spreading chaos instead of good vibes. As the RockitKing would say, "When you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you." So everyone should just stop being mean to Gwyneth because she is just trying to provide the world a service with her inconscionable musings.

Aww, poor little Spinach! Let the Kabballah man pet your soggy, mop-like hair! It really hurts when others get laughs at your expense. Big meanie bloggers are sitting around in their kitty-cat pajama pants and "What Would Joan Jett Do?" t-shirt eating Doritos Collisions and spewing hatred at someone just because they have money and privilege and write a stupid lifestyle newsletter!

Well, as Winona once said, "Lick it up, baby! LICK! IT! UP!"

I bet Gwynnie's still smiling now that Winona's career has been all but demolished thanks to her little sticky-fingered jaunt through Sak's. What's interesting is that I remember reading about how Spin Dip actually stole the script for Shakespere in Love from Wino's house and then snagged the role of Viola from under her former friend's coked-up nose. So, if that's true, that means Gwynnie actually may be responsible for Wino's downward spiral and subsequent pill addiction and shoplifting habit. My god, Paltrow's psychotic! She's actually built it up in her mind that Wino deserved all the failure in her life for some imagined attempt at bringing her down!

This is all pure speculation, of course, but if it's true, it's really all starting to add up. Gwyneth Paltrow is mentally unhinged. Mark my words: the next few STOOP newsletters are going to focus on topics that indirectly accuse people of plotting against the author and then gently reminding readers it is SHE who deserves the best in life.

Don't forget about something else Winona once said, Spin Dip: "I say we just grow up, be adults and die." Sounds like a good plan to me.

Standing on the shoulders of giant dumbasses

My new ambition is to be Marina Hyde. Marina is an Oxford-educated columnist for the The Guardian and author of the next book on my Bookflix list Celebrity: How Entertainers Took Over the World and Why We Need an Exit Strategy. Why do I want to be someone else? Because she wrote the following super-brilliant article on her Lost in Showbiz blog that totally rips Madonna, Stella McCartney and Gwynnie three richly-deserved new assholes! Her sarcasm is exquisite, the take-downs beautifully devastating. I am green with envy. The best part is that none of these three nitwits could possibly come back with a statement that his half as clever.

In honor of this maestro's masterpiece, I am reproducing it here in its entirety so you, too, can bask in the brilliance:

Behold, the most serious challenge to the Royal Society in that august body's 350-year history - the medical musings of Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney. These women are not just singers, or actresses, or fashion designers. They are distinguished professors at the University of Celebrity, and are coating your understanding of science like a totally amazing organic body oil.

On top of this, they are best friends, so we can say their pronouncements are peer-reviewed in the best sense of that term. Can you imagine their gatherings? It must be as if Isaac Newton were taking antioxidant tea with Robert Koch and Marie Curie.

We shall come to her latest discoveries shortly, but by way of background, do recall that Gwyneth has formerly claimed that eating "biological foods" can prevent cancer, reminding us that starring in Iron Man and maintaining a glittering career in clinical research are not mutually exclusive. Then we have Madonna, who has cited the extraordinary healing powers of Kabbalah water, which costs $4 a bottle, is said to have had energy injected into it, and may or may not have been blessed by the former insurance salesman who dreamed up her religion.

Other fields of specialism? Alas, Lost in Showbiz hasn't the space today, but Madonna has previously championed a soi-disant scientist who claims to have reversed the second law of thermodynamics. And then there's Stella, who launched her organic skincare range with the warning that "lots of skin products use the same petrochemicals as the antifreeze in your car!", and is one of those celebrities who thinks they eat "chemical-free" food and use "chemical-free" products. I beg you not to tell her that water and trees are made of chemicals. The shock could finish her off.

So then to Gwyneth's latest thesis, published not in the British Medical Journal, surprisingly, but in Goop, the newsletter she sends out to her flock every week. According to Gwyneth, she bowed to crushing demand for this service from friends who were always asking her for restaurant recommendations and low-fat recipes and where to find reproduction art-deco taps. It is now Earth's most invaluable resource for all those unable to locate the perfect £650 cashmere egg cosy (remember: never eat the yolk, it gives you Aids or calories or something).

Entertainers being what they are, it was only a matter of time before Gwyneth branched out into bacteriology, and in her most recent communique she is good enough to explain her fears that household products are causing autism and cancer in children.

"A couple of years ago," she writes, "I was asked to give a quote for a book concerning environmental toxins and their effects on our children."

But how preposterous. I assume she replied: "I am an actor. My job is pretending to be other people. This does not qualify me to discourse on paediatric medicine"? Alas not.

"While reading up on the subject, I was seized with fear," Gwyneth continues. Lost in Showbiz hasn't the strength to bore you with it in full, but it's something about foetuses and young children being unable to "metabolise toxins" - toxins that come from all the "chemicals" we fill our environment with. "The research is troubling; the incidence of diseases in children such as asthma, cancer and autism have shot up exponentially ..."

No matter that there has been very little change in the rate of childhood cancers detected in recent years, and no matter that various leading experts have exploded in exasperation at Gwyneth's general hokum. Like her coterie of fellow scientists, she is indifferent to the critics, whom the form book suggests she would dismiss as "haters".

So if you hear anyone disparaging our three brainiacs, you tell them this: if we understand more than we did five years ago about how holy water can cure verrucas and how shampoo causes cancer, then it is because we are standing on the shoulders of these giants.

Standing ovation! Bravo! Bellissimo! My favorite part, of course, was the poke at STOOP, I mean GOOP, and the alleged rabid demand for the head Goop Stoop's recommendations and recipes. And on the topic of all these Hollywood assjackers who are speaking out about all the "toxins" and "chemicals" floating around in everyday products—I find it amusing that they're always screaming about air and water and cleaning products that are slowly turning our children in retarded cancer patients with lobster-claw syndrome, yet they have no problem injecting themselves with botulinum toxin, the most toxic protein known to man, so they can have wrinkle-free skin. Isn't it ironic, doncha think?

I so totally can't wait to hear the rebuttals from these mental midgets. Gwynnie will say "fuck the haters!" Madonna will try to put some kind of Kaballah voodoo hex on her (although she might not have time since she's off in Africa dressing like Dr. Livingston and collecting babies). Stella would go into toxic shock.

Anyhoo, big ups to my new fave writer, Marina! It makes me proud to see someone beating these Hollyweird wisenheimers into a small, organic stain instead of chugging the celeb Flavor Aid.

Spring Fever induces vomiting

My head is spinning with all the lame news that has been building up. Instead of blogging about it, my instinct was to run to a corner to hug my knees and rock for a few weeks. But there's no avoiding it. No matter how hard I try, I must face reality and just get this shit out. So here goes:

• Hide the bayonets: Count Grishnackh has been paroled! It's true: after 16 years in the pokey and four parole rejections, not to mention additional time for stealing a station wagon, stockpiling weapons and attempting to make a run for it while he was on some kind of weekend leave, he's finally getting out. According to the Guardian, the Count plans to stay true to his word and move to a small farm in rural Norway and has also cut all his neo-nazi ties. "I look forward the day that I [can] work on my farm, create music, write books and be with the wife and kids around the clock—and live a normal life," he said.

Whatever...I want to hear more about this wife. Is she one of those chicks that really digs convicts and writes them and then marries them in prison? Like that lovely lady who snagged the catch known as the Night Stalker? I smell another post topic...

• Today, Phil Spector was charged with the second-degree murder of Lana Clarkson, aka Mrs. Vargas in Fast Times. This is very tragic, but the real crime here is Phil's hair. What in the holy hell is going on with Phil's frigging hair?? He showed up in court looking like this over the course of his trial, then today he shows up for the verdict with this festering on his head. Is it just me or does he kind of look like Roman Polanski with this 'do? And his makeup job looks like it was done by a coroner's assistant. Under-eye blush makes dead people look like they just came in from snowmobiling.

• In the least shocking news since, well, Phil Spector was convicted of second-degree murder, the oldest Duggar, Josh and his child bride Anna are expecting what will be the first grandchild born to the Duggar gaggle. You may remember Josh and Anna as the not-old-enough-to-drink-legally couple that used their wedding gift registry to request such necessities as a tortilla warmer and an iPod Touch. So it sounds like they must have put those 400-thread-count Egyptian cotton bedsheets to use, eh? Bow-chicka-wow-wow! These two claim they didn't even KISS until they were married. Isn't that so wholesome? They also have a whole bunch of new resources on their website, which I'm afraid is going to require a whole other post. Let's just say the "theatrical blockbuster" Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron, gets a five out of five Jesus fish rating from these two.

Anyway, Josh and Anna called a family meeting back in February and "surprised" everyone with the news that Anna is knocked up. They were surprised? I don't even know these people and I predicted they'd pop a kid out nine months to the day of the wedding. OK, so I was a little off (she's due in October). The big surprise would be if these fertile bastards announce that god told them they have enough kids and to knock it the hell off already.

(Aside: If all the Duggar kids end up having 18 kids, there would be a grand total of 324 Duggar grandkids. Gross! They could possibly take over Wyoming.)

• Who's your vote for the weirdest couple of all time? Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow? Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley? Anna Nicole Smith and that old guy? Whoever it is, this one's going to beat it: Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan and bisexual MySpace whore Tila Tequila. Yeah, you read that right. Billy Fucking Corgan and Tila Fucking Tequila.

Confession time: there was time that I adored Smashing Pumpkins. Gish, Siamese Dream, "Drown"...grunge-era SPs. Then, one by one, I started intensely hating each member of the band...D'arcy first, then Billy, then James Iha...until I almost can't even listen to the songs I like anymore for fear of promoting them in some small way. Billy Corgan is so dead to me that I want to reanimate him so I can make him dead to me again.

Well, that's about all I can take for now. Oh, I almost forgot! Jane's Addiction scheduled a show in Cowtown!! If you go, stop by and say hi. I'll be the one being carried out on a stretcher when "Ocean Size" starts up.

Gwynnie has lost it

If you thought the last two posts on GOOP were crazy, wait until you read this. This shit is getting seriously weird. Chris Martin, if you're reading this, commit your wife as quickly as possible.

Truthfully, I'm not even sure what to say about Gwyneth's latest "newsletter"...for once I'm speechless. So I'm simply going to cut and paste the whole mess here for you to see for yourself. Pad your jaw so it doesn't hurt too much when it hits the floor.

I was having dinner with a dear friend of my godmother's, Marianne Williamson. For those of you not acquainted with Marianne, she's best known as an author, life advisor and spiritual activist. She radiates an almost golden aura that can make her quite intimidating to those who don't know her, but she's actually very down-to-earth and irreverent. On this particular evening, our conversation turned to holistic healing and home remedies. As it turned out, both of our families had passed many of the same old cure-alls from generation to generation. Some of these tried-and-true remedies I use on my own little ones when they get tummy aches or sore throats or fall and bruise their legs during play. Others are used to refresh tired skin or halt the spread of gray hairs. Marianne and I compiled a list to share some of our favorites. We hope these tips will help when you're in a pinch.

• Alcohol mixed with lemon juice and mint leaves can ease the sting of a sunburn.

• Raw garlic, when rubbed gently on the face, helps clear away blemishes and redness.

• To ease a sore throat and cough: grind up some pure mango bark (which can be found at many health-food stores), mix 1/3 cup with 2 tablespoons of sea salt, 1 teaspoon of honey and the juice and pulp from two fresh-squeezed organic oranges. Apply as a poultice to your chest and cover with a warm, damp towel.

• For headaches, try yogic kriyas like jalneti and kunjal.

• Drink five cups of organic chamomile tea in quick succession to stop the spread of poison ivy.

• Ear wax works wonders for cold sores—seriously! Be sure to use a cotton-tipped swab to apply directly to the affected area. This is also a very effective way to keep developing sores from forming completely.

• Keep a jar of mashed fenugreek leaves and pickled ginger in your refrigerator. When you feel nauseated, open the jar and breathe deeply.

• Sprinkle a mixture of linseed, epsom salt and bishop's weed around baby's crib to ward away diaper rash.

• Everyone knows that cucumber slices are wonderful for ridding the under-eyes of dark circles. Soak cosmetic puffs in Indian gooseberry juice and place them on top of the cucumber slices for faster healing.

• Dollop butter into your hair once a week for 45 minutes to ward off premature grays.

• Instantly cure a hangover by blending two cups of milk, one whole banana and a shot of tabasco sauce. Drink the mixture slowly to allow your body to absorb the nutrients.

• Chew 12 dandelions and wash them down with an 8 oz. glass of water mixed with baking soda and vinegar to ease the pain of a toothache.

• Tie a red silk ribbon around a potato and bury it in your vegetable garden. In three days, warts will disappear. This works best if the potato is buried near a cantaloupe plant.

• Add powdered sugar, whole papayas and Indian squill to ice-cold bath water and soak for 15 minutes. This will alleviate even the worst menstrual cramps.

• Nothing gets rid of varicose veins disappear faster than virgin's blood.

She's really lost it, like for real. I think I'm a little bit worried about Gwyneth...and Marianne Williamson is a very bad influence! I think she needs a Britney-style intervention. Time for her mother, celebrated actress Blythe Danner, to take over control of Gwynnie's assets!

P.S. If it wasn't totally obvious, I made all this shit up. Happy April Fool's Day, lovelies! Um, don't really do any of this stuff...if that isn't totally obvious, either.