The mysterious world of SkyMall

All of a sudden I'm all into SkyMall. It's so fascinating.

For the unfamiliar, SkyMall is that catalog filled with sundry crapola that you find in the back of airline seats next to the barf bags. It's sort of like The Sharper Image, only with weirder and less necessary stuff. Because what better time than while you're 30,000 feet above Peoria than to buy that Bigfoot Garden Sculpture you've always wanted? (By the way, did you know that you don't actually have to be on a plane to order from SkyMall? I didn't! And you can! Their website happily offers online shopping. So don't book a flight just so you can see the latest awesomeness SkyMall has to offer.)

The website doesn't answer my number one question about SkyMall, which is: why? Who came up with the idea to put catalogs on airplanes and who OKed that idea and why is it that there is a new catalog every time I get on a plane, yet I never see anyone actually ordering anything? Is that what goes on in first class? Everyone kicks their feet up in the complimentary slippers, sipping complimentary champagne and ordering SkyMall shit? Well, even if that's not what happens, that's how I'm going to picture first class from now on. Plus, everyone will be wearing furs and tuxedos.

Anyway, my favorite SkyMall products fall into the dubious "Health & Wellness" category, which is maggotty with hilarious useless shit. Like the Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar, for instance. This handy little device is nothing short of a miracle product. As we know all too well, "work, stress, drinking and environmental factors deplete our oxygen and affect our health. This device helps you feel rejuvenated and relaxed. Breathing 30% oxygen-enriched air from the included headset gives your body the clean, fresh oxygen it craves."

As opposed to, say, just breathing 100% oxygen-enriched air for free? But that's not all—"soothing music provides the tranquility your mind needs." So while you're breathing a fraction of actual air, you also get Kenny G blasting out at you. All this for the low, low price of $499.

Also, I want to know how work, stress and drinking deplete our oxygen. Tell us, SkyMall. This sounds important.

Here's another fun one: the Digital Child Tracker. "While your kids enjoy their independence, you'll be glad to know you can digitally find them anytime. They wear the watch-like tracer, and you hold the receiver that tells where they are—even if they're not within sight." Effective only when Junior doesn't take it off, strap it to the dog's leg and sneak off with his ne'er-do-well pals for a smoke behind the Pamida.

The safety products are across-the-board hilarious. For example, here we have the Telespy Phone. For a mere $79.99, your mortal wall phone can be replaced with a super-duper SPY PHONE that "looks innocent enough, but if an intruder gains access to your home, will call to tell you!" Can you imagine?

Phone: *ring, ring*
You: Hello?
Phone: (robot voice) Hello, there is an intruder in the house.
You: What? Where?
Phone: (robot voice) Get the fuck out of the house. Now.

Actually, it's better than that. Here's how the Telespy Phone actually works:

When you want to put the TeleSpy function into operation, first dial the phone number you can be reached at, then hang up. Turn the Telespy switch to "on", and that phone number will immediately be called. Answer or not, but 60 seconds later the TeleSpy is activated. Then, if an intruder is detected within 30' of the phone base's detector, the phone will automatically call that last number, and allow the listener to listen to the sounds in the room, and determine what's going on.

And after all that you realize either (a.) your asshole kid took off his Digital Child Tracker to play a prank on you, or (b.) the intruder is right behind you with a gun in your back. I mean, is that the stupidest invention or what?

Actually, it's not. This is: the iKONG Hi Tech Acupuncture Point Eye & Temple Air Massager. Because nothing says comfort and tranquility like a ginormous acupuncture needle right in your eye. OK, that's not really what it does—"the iKONG stimulates the pressure points surrounding the eye area. Through the use of air pressure, heat compression and vibration, the iKONG can stimulate the eye, forehead, and temple while relieving eye strain." So if it malfunctions, basically you'll have hot, vibrating air pressure nodules jabbing into your eyes, forehead and temples. Sign me up!

I haven't even gotten to the other categories yet. Like "Outdoor Living," featuring such decorative delights as Basho The Sumo Wrestler, which "adds a touch of the Far East" to your yard. Or "Auto & Hardware", where you can "give yourself a chuckle and add a third brake light for safety" with Animated Hitch Critters. And then there's the dreaded "Apparel & Accessories" category, where you'll find The Slanket, a big ol' blankie with sleeves (and boasting, it appears, Andy Dick as a spokesmodel), and other items you never thought you needed.

And you can buy all of this and more WHILE YOU'RE ON A PLANE! All and none of it makes any kind of sense. And yet, I can't look away.

I guess this means I'll have to blog about this topic again at some point, since I really want to comment on Automatic Garage Door Opener and the Motorized Snack Float and the ThunderBolt Storm Detector but this post is way too long already.