Whoopee! It's Halloween, my favorite time of year! Anyone going to Hell House? I think I'm just going to walk around Cowtown in complete disguise. I was thinking about going as bald Britney with an umbrella beating up cars, but it won't be complete unless I have my very own Chris Crocker following me around and screaming, "Leave her alone! She's not well right now!" I don't think I'm mentally prepared for that. So I'll probably just go as a ghost or Hatchet Face or something.
Anyway, while I think of a good costume, here's the first of two fun lists I've devised for you all honoring the 13 best scary-movie bad girls. Boo!
13. Cheryl Lang (Arlington Road)
This little-seen movie is actually super-underrated, in my humble opinion. I completely loved it and I think you should see it. Thus, I won't tell you why Cheryl is scary, other than that bitch is really up to something. And she's played by none other than Joan Cusack, which adds to the freak factor.
Best line: Couldn't find a good one, and I haven't seen it in a while. Sorry.
12. Annie Wilkes (Misery)
Kathy Bates is one of my favorite stars ever. She's just so fabulous. And in Misery, she's at the top of her game. At first you think, "Oh, how nice—she's a big fan of this poor author that she saved from certain death after a car accident!" And then the next thing you know, she's smashing his feet with a sledgehammer.
Best line: At the feedstore do I say, "Wally, give me a bag of that effin' pig feed, and a pound of that bitchly cow corn"? At the bank do I say, "Oh, Mrs. Malenger, here's one big bastard of a check, now give me some of your Christ-ing money!"
11. Hedda Carlson (Single White Female)
Poor Bridget Fonda. She's a successful power bitch who was just dumped by her cute yuppie boyfriend. What's a girl to do? Getting a roommate to move in to her posh loft seems like a good idea. But watch out; there are kooks out there. Like Jennifer Jason Leigh for example. She wants to be just like Bridget. In fact, she wants Bridget's whole life! Bye bye, doggie! Bye bye, boyfriend! She won't stop until she's a yuppie, too!
Best line: You know, identical twins are never really identical. There is always one that is prettier, and the other one does all the work.
10. The Blair Witch (The Blair Witch Project)
You never saw her, and you're never really sure if she's real. All you know about her is that she might just be an urban legend, but when people venture near her they find creepy stick people and piles of stones, lose their jawbones, get disembowled, and sometimes disappear forever.
Best line: [strange disembodied screaming]
9. Pamela Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
The actress who plays her looks exactly like my beloved high school art teacher who was just the sweetest person ever. If Mrs. B turned out to be a mad killer, I'd not only be shocked, but also intensely disappointed.
Best line: Kill her, Mommy! Kill her! Don't let her get away, Mommy! Don't let her live! I won't, Jason, I won't!
8. Pauline Parker/Juliet Hulme (Heavenly Creatures)
While not necessarily bad girls, these sweet-faced little Aussie BFFs have such an obsessive codependent relationship that you can't help but flinch. Also disturbing is that Melanie Lynskey and Kate Winslet (in her first role ever) portray real-life girls who offed one's mom so they could stay together forever. You can read about the true story at the Crime Library. Peter Jackson directs and the film is beautiful, if not completely depressing. The sheer amount of desperate sobbing will exhaust you.
Best line: The next time I write in this diary, Mother will be dead. How odd...yet how pleasing.
7. Samara Morgan (The Ring)
The little girl left for dead in a well comes back to make everyone else suffer. On top of it all, she plants a spooky-ass video precariously in the paths of innocents and then forces them to show others or face the consequences—she'll crawl through your TV and breaka ya face.
Best line: (in response to the line "You don't want to hurt anyone") But I do, and I'm sorry. It won't stop.
6. Minnie Castavet (Rosemary's Baby)
The other actor I love to bits is Ruth Gordon. She's in two of my favorite movies of all time. How absolutely brilliant to cast gleeful, fun-loving Maude as a gleeful, fun-loving devil worshipper.
Best line: He chose you, honey! From all the women in the world to be the mother of his only living son!
5. The Ghoul Man's Wife (Plan 9 From Outer Space)
Vampira is the super-hottest glamour ghoul of all-time and here she glams up one the notorious Ed Wood classic, oft called the worst movie of all time (until Lohan's new movie, that is).
Best line: [sexy, zombified lurching]
4. Rhoda Penmark (The Bad Seed)
Pure sociopaths are always scary. But when that unfeeling killer looks like Cindy Brady, it's just downright terrifying. Imagine a pigtailed girl who puts Kitty Karryall to bed then burns a snooping handyman alive. Patty McCormack as Rhoda was Samara before the writers of The Ring were even born.
Best line: You tell lies like that, you won't go to Heaven when you die!
3. Miss Gulch/The Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz)
The green face, the pointy nose, the nicotine-stained teeth...her abject hatred for a cute little doggie. Shit, that was one creepy broad! Don't tell me she doesn't scare you to this day. I still can't watch that movie without having to turn away when she materializes out of that plume of red smoke and bosses around the winged monkey men.
Best line: Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?
2. Baby Jane Hudson (What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?)
This one would be my number one if it weren't so campy. Bette Davis is just so over-the-top perfect as she torments a wheelchair-bound Mommie Dearest. She serves her dead pet birds to her for lunch under a silver dome then refuses to bring more food until she eats them, taunting, "I didn't bring your breakfast, because you didn't eat your din-din!" Awesome!
Best line: (in response to the line "You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I weren't still in this chair.") But cha AAH, Blanche, ya AAH in that chair!
1. Asami Yamazaki (Ôdishon)
Was anyone able to make it through this movie? As big as a horror movie buff as I am, and I just couldn't do it. That was one crazy, fucked-up bitch! The lesson learned from this movie is to never hold an audition for a wife. That cute, demure little lady you set your eye on might be the type of girl to push needles right into your roaming eyeballs.
Best line: This wire can cut through meat and bone easily.