RoL Finale: Where land ends and the party begins

It's the final episode, everyone! Can you believe it? It seems like we met only yesterday. All of our little friends...we need to let them know we haven't forgetten them! Brandi C. and her boobs, Tiffany and her drunken blatherings, Rodeo and her Hulk transformations, Magdalena and her manliness. Sigh. I'm going to miss this silly little show!

So we may as well dive right in. To the ocean. In CABO SAN LUCAS! Whooo! Bret has packed up Jes and ASHeather and whisked the Gruesome Twosome south of the border for a few days of sun, fun and sand in their ass cracks, to a place where the nights are long and the whores are cheap. Would you have expected anyplace else for a super-fabulous Bret Michaels getaway? What are the odds that we'll be treated to a Sammy Hagar cameo?

The plane lands and everyone immediately has frou-frou drinks with all kinds of fruit and umbrellas and flamingos and shit in them shoved in their hands and a gaggle of bikinied natives squat-thrusting in a circle around them. ASHeather shoves Bret aside, announces which one of the skanks that she wants to bang and immediately starts feeling the girl up, Mai Tai cocktail flying. You'd think Bret would be all over this, given the rampant fake lesbo action that has been going on this whole season, but he makes a bizarre statement to the effect that he's unable to pay attention to ASHeather properly if she's skanking it up with other chicks. Bret Michaels: a mystery wrapped in an enigma with a big steaming pile of WTF on top.

Like any good reality TV producer, VH1 gives Bret his own fabulous suite and crams the final two competitors into a standard double, but soothes the blow of having to share a room by loading the girls up with gifts. Like booty shorts, which make ASHeather blow a gasket. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Luckily, they didn't load them up with sharp objects because when Bret, Jes and ASHeather all meet downstairs for a romantic three-way dinner together, the two girls decide to engage in a staring contest showdown. Bret tries to break the tension with "More bread?" and ASHeather responds, "She's too young for you! Are you ready for kids at 23, Jes? Hmm? Hmm?" Oh, silly ASHeather! Like she can slam anyone else. Jes makes everyone proud by saying what we're all thinking, "Yeah, well at least I'm not an aging, strident stripper!" Touche! ASHeather takes another hit when Bret confronts her about humping the dancing girl when they got off the plane and her response is to the tune of "I'm not a hater, I'm a congratulater!" Apparently, Bret never saw the drawings that ASHeather and Hatchet did of all the girls in the house. Congrats, skanks!

Finally, it's individual date time, aka Go Time! This is the last chance for the final two to make lasting impressions/sexual favors on Bret to help him in his final decision. ASHeather gets the first go, and she and Bret spend the day puttering around on dune buggies. Well, let's rephrase that: ASHeather spends the day having the time of her life, while Bret spends it trying not to die, either from ASHeather's reckless dune buggy driving or from a mega-sugar crash he's having thanks to his diabetes. When she returns to the room to change and tease her hair appropriately for dinner, ASHeather boasts about how awesome the date was to Jes, and how she and Bret are in love and how no one can get in her way when it comes to her man. All Jes has to do is say, "Your dress screams stripper" and she's won the argument yet again. For the record, ASHeather is wearing a teal blue remnant from the scrap bin at Jo-Ann's and Bret thinks it "may be the sexiest dress [he's] ever seen."

Next we're treated to yet another awkward dinner when Bret tells ASHeather that he feels they've bonded on a "party level" and that he considers her a friend...uh-oh. That's the kiss of death, right there. So what does ASHeather do? Douse it in gasoline and sets it aflame by telling Bret she's in love with him. Done and done. But only after a little roll in the hay. That's right: Bret's not well enough for dune buggy-ing, but if he gets to break his dick off in a stripper, time to start chugging the Mountain Dew.

The next morning, ASHeather shows up poolside where Jes is having breakfast still in her teal blue eyeglass wipe and with uncombed hair. She informs Jes over eggs and toast that the date was "amazing" and she and Bret were "naked all night" and that she doesn't want to "wash his scent off". Gross. I imagine the smell is something like new bandanna, tanning bed, leather and hair sweat. Unfortunately, Jes doesn't comment that Bret's probably showered all of the aging, strident stripper scent off of him, because she's got a date to get to. As she leaves, ASHeather screams down the hotel hallway, "When you kiss him, you'll be lickin' me!" and you can practically hear the ring of 20 phones all calling the front desk at the same time over that one.

So Jes's date involves going sailing on a bigass boat. Actually, I believe this is what Robin Leach would refer to as a "luxury yaught." No dinghys for Jes (yet)! They float around a bit and then meet up for dinner where Bret immediately hands Jes an Epipen and tells her that she's going to have to stab him in the butt. If he goes into diabetic shock, that is. I wonder if CC has ever had to do that? Actually he says she's going to have to "jam that in my ass" and we all know that CC's been there during one of those mid-80s blackout periods that Poison is so famous for. Jes tears up and Bret takes it as one sign that she cares. The other sign is when Jes takes her dress off and saunters into the hot tub. Me-ow! Just try not to go into sugar shock over that sweet ass!

The time has come, kids—it's final elimination! It all comes down to this! Jes arrives first looking darling in a sparkly black dress and then ASHeather shows up with the biggest hairdo yet and a yellow dress held together by macrame headbands. ASHeather makes one last jab by whispering to Jes that she's surprised she even bothered to show up, and Jes interviews that ASHeather's "'80s porn hair is bad...really bad." Finally, Prince Charming enters the room (security goon Big John apparently was left at the airport) and begins speaking. This may be the strangest moment of the show so far: Bret asks the girls if they would both consider dating him. It's unclear if he is being serious or not because he's voiceovering that this is a test, but you know he wouldn't turn that shit down, no matter what kind of "one girl man" posturing he spouted earlier. ASHeather of course answers "Yes, baby!" and Jes says she would not. Bret then calls ASHeather down and tells her that he thinks she's pretty n' stuff and she's totally his best friend, buuuuutttt....she's just not the girl for him. Ooh, holy shit! He basically just told her she's nothing more than a fuckbuddy! ASHeather storms out to a waiting car, rips her necklace off and calls Bret every name in the book. That's right, ASHeather—now you've got that fuckin’ liar phony fuckin’ piece of shit disrespectful asshole motherfucker's name on the back of your neck! Ten bucks says she's changed it to "Brat" by the time we get to the reunion show.

That makes Jes the winner! Yay! Aw, nice girls don't always finish last! Too bad the prize wasn't that yaught they were cruising around on earlier.

So that's it! Now what did we learn from Rock of Love?
• Anything and everything can be a turn-on, especially for Bret Michaels.
• Strippers, rock stars and Hooters waitresses need love, too.
• Never, ever under any circumstances tell your fuckbuddy that you love them.