9/12/2007

RoL9: Someone finally pukes!

Tonight we have the requisite "on the road" episode, wherein the lucky final four will be whisked away for a weekend somewhere wild n' crazy so Bret can monitor their behavior in public. You'll never believe where the gang is off to...VEGAS! Let me guess: they're staying at The Palms? Hm, maybe not. As Bret and the hobags' bus pulls into town we don't see 50 zillion establishing shots of The Palms, so perhaps they are staying elsewhere. Wow, this episode really is going to be full of surprises!

So the point of this whole trip is that Bret will be appearing in concert and the sluts are all geared up to support their man from the wings and I guess beat up aging, strident bitches who throw their undies at Bret and try to hit up Security Goon Big John (who is featured less and less as the weeks go by) for backstage passes. The bus pulls into town and Bret must immediately go to sound check, leaving the girls to enjoy the afternoon. Ahh, free time in Vegas! What's a girl to do? Hit the casinos? Check out a show? People-watch on the Strip? Fuck that, we're going to go take baths in the hotel room! The champagne starts flowing and the syphillis soup is heating up as Hatchet Face and Aging, Strident Heather slip into some bubbly bathwater together and discuss how it's the two of them against The Other Brandi and Jes. I don't understand the forming of alliances on a reality dating show. What exactly is this supposed to accomplish? Oh, I know...ratings. Stir it up, bitches!

The slags break out the glitter, slather on some frosty pastel makeup and discuss strategy. The Other Brandi thinks the key to winning the Bret Date is to get ASHeather shitfaced. Jes elects to not get too drunk and make an ass out of herself. Surprise number 2 of the evening: we won't be seeing much of Jes tonight.

The show is on and Bret has about 800 batik-print scarves tied to the mike stand. The girls stand off the side of the stage and appropriately groupie out by swaying to the music in that way that chicks seem to think is sexy, but really just makes them look like Nell. They are also being fed booze by the boxload and before you know it, we're looking at Surprise #3: The Other Brandi and Hatchet Face are wrecked. Plastered. Hammered. Sloshed. Smashed. Retarded. They are G-O-N, gone.

Speaking of boobs, I'm sure you'll be shocked to find out that Hatchet goes from being a big meanie to Hitler in 30 seconds flat when drunk. She totters around beligerantly telling everyone to go fuck themselves and then corners The (equally schnockered) Other Brandi to antagonize and pour Jaeger over her head. In this situation, any self-respecting groupie would lash out in retaliation and The Other Brandi is no exception: she immediatly points her ass in Hatchet's direction and emits a loud fart. Hatchet marinates in the stench for a moment and then stumbles and falls on top of ASHeather. Security Goon Big John is clearly used to dealing with this variety of groupie and scoops Hatchet up to carry her to dinner. Suddenly, we are treated to Big Surprise Numero Quatro: the seams in the big ASHeather-Hatchet alliance start to bust when The Other Brandi reveals that Hatchet has drunkenly announced that she doesn't give a #@*$! what she has to %@$#$ do to get Bret and no $(*#&%@%$ &#^%#$@$@# is going to get in her way! ASHeather is shocked at this betrayal. Simply SHOCKED!

This horrifying revelation causes ASHeather to be markedly less amused by Hatchet's drunken antics. As they wait for Bret to arrive for dinner, Hatchet begins clumsily slithering across the bar like a drunken croc, taunting Jes, then hilariously topples over, taking a whole row of glass bottles down with her. No freaking way this chick is a "touring musician" as claimed. No self-respecting rock star would ever knock bottles over and waste precious liquor! What is this, amateur hour? Unfortunately, before things get even crazier, Security Goon Big John shows up AGAIN and carries Hatchet away, her head lolling and slurring insults the entire way.

While all this is going on, ASHeather is slurping away on half-shell oysters, which we all know is the ultimate snack feast for the highly intoxicated. Again, sheer brilliance from the RoL staff. It's like offering someone who just drank four margaritas a nice big bowl of sauerkraut n' mayo. ASHeather makes a big show out of eating them and offers one to The Other Brandi. Then, it happens—Big Surprise #5: The Other Brandi discreetly lifts a napkin to her lips, then not-so-discreetly barfs into it. Her cheeks puff out comically and a water fountain stream of vomit squirts out like a tiny, disgusting geyser. ASHeather recoils slightly, then continues to munch away on seafood and then casually reapply her Wet n' Wild lip gloss. Hatchet, take note. This is how a rock star rolls.

Bret cuddles The Other Brandi as she expunges their fabulous meal into the toilet and she shows her gratitude by announcing to him that she "really fuckin' loves" him. Big Shock #6: Bret likes it. This guy is a weirdo. He's turned on by puking? Motley Crue can't even compete with that. Congrats, Bret! But the love is short-lived; the next day The Other Brandi ignorantly reveals to Hatchet that Bret isn't the guy for her because she simply can't handle this lifestyle. What? She's wild thing! And she just dug her own grave.

Naturally, Hatchet and ASHeather run to Bret and tell him. OK, that's not exactly what happened, but I'm a little bit confused. There's something about individual dates and massages and it looks like all the girls MIGHT have gotten one-on-one time with Bret, but suddenly they are all at dinner and I think I kind of know what's going on now. OK, so then Bret says something about wanting to get ASHeather off the pole and on to his pole and I don't understand why that's a problem. I mean, I think all he really has to do is ask, right? So they start talking about it and suddenly Hatchet interrupts and starts talking about her mental problems. Bret says he don't do manic depressives, so—surprise 7!—Hatchet brings out the dead mom. And that makes Bret take her back to his room to "find out more about her." Holy shit. Turns out Bret does do manic depressives! I think I'm gonna be sick...maybe The Other Brandi and I can take turns holding each other's hair out of our faces. Meet ya in the bathroom, BB!

Anyway, if that wasn't confusing enough, at elimination ASHeather is shown with normal-looking hair and officially declares her alliance with Hatchet over. Wait a minute. You mean you aren't planning on being the final two with Bret choosing BOTH of you as winners anymore? Surely you jest! But that's not the final surprise of the evening: that comes with The Other Brandi's elimination of herself when she honestly tells Bret that she can't let her guard down and that it's time for her to go. Holy shit, The Other Brandi essentially just eliminated Bret! Awesome! Mr. Rock Star tells The Other Brandi to have a nice life and she leaves the Whore House a proud, proud woman. Wow. I'm impressed. CC and his pals are probably cracking up as they watch this. Best episode yet!

...that is until next week when Bret meets the parents!

3 comments:

Viola Swamp said...

Nice! And was I the only one who recoiled in horror when Jes and Bret recapped their night together and he said they got to know each other better "inside and out"? He looked like some bloated, puffy woman with a bad weave and botched plastic surgery. Ick...

I also thought it was admirable how well each girl took it when they found out that as soon as she let Bret bang her, he wanted to her packing back to wherever so he could turn his full attention to seducing the leftovers. Classy.

Michelle L. said...

I am completely addicted to this show...I can't wait until next week! And, there is going to be another season of Flavor of Love, too!! I am in heaven!

Oh, and, what is up with Bret's face? I checked all over awfulplasticsurgery.com and nothing!

Lola said...

"The girls stand off the side of the stage and appropriately groupie out by swaying to the music in that way that chicks seem to think is sexy, but really just makes them look like Nell."
"
"
A NELL reference?
I worship you.