Predictions for this Sunday's VMAs

I never plan on watching the MTV Video Music Awards, mainly because I don't care and partly because I feel like someone's stern, judgemental parent with my arms crossed and my foot impatiently tapping as I watch. But for some reason I always fall victim to unseen hands that force me to tune in. Maybe it's the hope that some abject disaster will occur, like the time Slash and Duff got on stage wasted. Or the time that Courtney Love threw shit at Madonna. Or when Rose McGowan showed up naked. Big deal.

When it comes down to it, nothing really good ever happens...it's typically just a collection of minor mishaps or "shocking" surprises that the entertainment media flips its shit over. Like omigod, Britney wrapped herself in a giant boa/phallic symbol for her performance! Oops, now she's wearing a flesh-colored unitard and flashing her nips at the audience! Here we go again—she's frenching Madonna! We get it; Brit's a slut. Damn. People act like they've never seen a vag before.

This year's show is taking place in Vegas at—surprise!—the Palms! God, that place is eternally sucking MTV's dick. Or maybe MTV is sucking the Palms's dick. Either way, I'm fucking sick of the Palms. Hey, everyone, the Palms is cool! All the hottest, sexiest people hang out there! If you don't look like Hayden Pantierre or Jesse Metcalfe then FORGET IT! All this talk about how great the fucking Palms is makes me want to avoid it all together and purposely stay at the uncoolest place on the Strip the next time I go. What would that be? Circus Circus? But that was featured in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas! The Stratosphere? I don't know. I'm sure they've got a Red Roof on the Strip somewhere...

Anyway, since I know I'm going to end up wasting my Sunday night watching this dreck (after RoL, of course), I figured I may as well try to have some fun with it. I'm going to make some VMA predictions and we'll just see how many of them actually happen. Readers, you can join in by leaving your own VMA predictions (that is, if you care, which I wouldn't blame you one bit if you didn't) in the comments section and we'll see who gets the most right! It's a fun game! And I'm going to judge my self-worth by how many responses I get. Don't make me cut! OK, so here we go:

1. There will be some kind of live pseudo-reporting from the Real World Las Vegas suite, most likely with a former RWLV cast member. My guess is that it will be Trashelle and/or Steven.

2. The Palms will be pimped out even more, with an interview room/green room housed in Ghost Bar. Don't forget: the Palms is REALLY, REALLY COOL!

3. There will be tons of pathetic mugging from a Derilique-clad Wentz.

4. Amy Winehouse will cuss on the air and say something bitchy to a reporter on the red carpet.

5. All winning rap/hip-hop videos will include all of the following: bitches, hoes, bling, cham, a hot tub/pool, and spinners.

6. The phrase "Sin City" will be used more than 30 times during the broadcast.

7. Rihanna, Megan Fox and that Nicole Scherzingsteinschwarzenegger chick from the Pussycat Dolls will wear the "most talked-about" (i.e. sluttiest) outfits.

8. There will be all kinds of hype about the release of 50 Cent and Kanye West CDs on the same day (September 11 to be exact) and no one will care except for MTV, 50 Cent and Kanye West.

9.There will be a surprise appearance from Owen Wilson.

10. A lip-syncing Britney will give the shittiest performance of her career and yet all the Hollywood bloggers (I'm looking at you, Trent) will be creaming their jeans the next day about her triumphant "comeback." By the way, have you heard her new song? It's Britney, bitch!

11. Jessica Simpleton will show up with a surprise celebrity date who she will "canoodle" with the entire evening, simply to get her name back in the news.

12. The cast of High School Musical will get the biggest applause/screams from the idiots in the audience.

13. Some young hipster will give a pretentious shout-out to Pavarotti and add that he was an "inspiration."

'Round and 'round she goes and where she stops nobody knows! No matter what happens, we all lose our shirts when we watch the VMAs, but at least no money will be involved. Hey-O! *rim shot* Seriously, I hope Britney falls down or something.


Lola said...

You don't actually think Winehouse will show up, do you?

And this:
God, that place is eternally sucking MTV's dick. Or maybe MTV is sucking the Palms's dick."

This rant could only be improved if Carey Hart were sitting in the middle of it naked.

Anonymous said...

As an homage to past performances, I predict that Kanye and 50 will stop fueding and have an on-stage makeout session. Madonna will watch.