While you may already be in the full swing of celebrating National Honey Month, National Courtesy Month, and National Bleach Clean-Up Month, don't forget that September is also Disaster Preparedness Month! Don't think this is just more propaganda from the Department of Homeland Security to scare you into submission. This is serious, people! To help us ready ourselves for the inevitable bioterrorism attacks, raping, pillaging and other scary things that the terrorists are cooking up right this minute, the DHS has offered up some helpful symbols to aid in reducing panic. We don't know what they mean. There are several "funny" interpretations of these symbols floating around there on the internet to add to the confusion. As my contribution to Disaster Preparedness Month, I have provided instructions along with the symbols; you may want to bookmark this page and refer back to it in the case of an emergency.
After you've taped plastic over all entryways to your house, label each with "Door", "Window", "Vent" and "Fan" in Comic Sans so you don't get lightheaded from lack of oxygen and forget what's what.
Whatever you do, don't get trapped in under falling debris or surrounded by clouds of dust. If that happens, you're pretty much fucked.
If you see anything suspicious, toot your whistle or scream your head off to warn others.
Avoid San Antonio at all costs. It's a hotbed of radioactivity.
Standing around thinking about dead contaminated fish won't do any good. Panicking is way better.
If reggae fumes are making you sick, that's pretty much your problem. There's nothing we can do about that one.
If you encounter a giant radioactive spray can, casually turn around, walk away whistling and pretend you never saw it.
We've nicknamed three cities in Missouri "Town A", "Town B" and "Town C". Don't tell terrorists what towns they really are, so when we go there during an attack, they won't know where to find us.
If you see a large blast, don't drive toward it, dumbass! Do a donut and get the fuck out of there!
Carry a flashlight with you at all times in case a bunch of shit falls on you. Then, you can ignore all the blood, broken limbs and massive head injuries and have the state of mind to unpin your mangled hand and wave it around for hours, or even days, until rescuers can find you.
Gilbert Gottfried knows not to look out windows during a terrorist attack. They might see you.
If you turn into a zombie, don't forget that doors open from the knob side, not the hinge side.
You can either stand up and fight, crawl away and hide or rock back and forth while sobbing. Think long and hard about which one makes you a good American.
Huffing is always a good idea during a national emergency. It makes things seem like they're not that bad.
Terrorists want to crush the American Dream. If they win, you will have to choose either your house or your station wagon. You can't have both when there is no more freedom.
Don't even think about reenacting Wax's "Southern California" video.
Terrorists will try to break you down by playing Air Supply non-stop over the airwaves. While it's tempting to want to curl up in the fetal position and cry, resist those sneaky bastards and make a run for it.
If terrorists tape yellow arrows over your door to prevent escape, karate chop the door open with your hand.
Remember Aqua Net? Man, that shit was toxic!