RoL10: Yer daddy don't rock n' roll

Get ready, everyone, because this was the best episode of RoL yet! From here on out, television has a much higher bar to reach. It's time for the First Annual (Bi-annual?) Rock of Love Meet the Parents Episode! In which our hero (Bret) will engage in pleasantries with the parental units of the ladies that he has chosen thus far. We all remember how this played out on Flavor of Love, I hope!

First to arrive are the aging, strident parents of Aging, Strident Heather, who look like your run-of-the-mill Grove City residents (which those of you familiar with Cowtown will understand immediately), and whom ASHeather says she has only seen together in the same room twice before. Jes's parents show up next and they are completely adorable, just like Jes, and they instantly hit it off with Bret and seem refreshingly normal. Finally, we have the arrival of the refreshingly not-so-normal father, Otis, and step-mom of Hatchet Face. Immediately, you can see that this is going to be all kinds of uncomfortable, as Mr. Otis Hatchet is one of those self-made millionaire gasbags that loves to slyly cut people down to make up for his lack of ween. We all know someone like this, so let's all relate while Bret gets the third degree from this asshole. Oh, also, Otis Hatchet's wifey seems to be quite a bit younger than he and also doesn't talk much. She also looks *really* excited to meet Bret.

I'm sure Step-Hatchet will be even more exstatic to hear that Bret will be joining each family for a date over the course of the day. Lunch is to be at some wooden saloon-type place with the Aging, Stridents. Bret, ASHeather and Mr. ASHeather hit the giant beer bong situated in the middle of the table full-throttle, and Mr. ASHeather launches into this strange story about "a Chinese" who was farting on the plane. You would think it's the funniest story of all time, if his relating of it is any indication. Bret chuckles politely, then casually points out the mechanical bull and suggests that one of them (wink, wink) should ride it. Of course, ASHeather mounts right up and works her boobies (or, as she calls them, "tatters") to maximum bounce-ability. Of course, she gets thrown off after about three seconds, and then almost gets beaned by the bull's rearing head as an added bonus. This is when you notice that there are, like, two people in the rest of the restaurant. Probably because they saw Bret Michaels, some skank and some parental-looking people slink in trailed by TV cameras.

After this successful date, Bret takes off to meet up with Jes & Co. at some rock n' roll clothing store and hilarity ensues when Jes's parents put on bandannas, crucifixes and basically dress up like Bret. It's kind of like that scene in European Vacation where the Griswolds try on a bunch of clothes and then come out of the store thinking they look really fashionable but really just look like a bunch of assholes. It's pretty uneventful and the date is deemed a "9.5, if not 10" by Bret.

Now we get to the good part. Bret meets Hatchet and her fam at some swanky-looking outdoor patio of a place called "eat.", and that period is no typo. The tension reaches Mount Vesuvius level when Hatchet's dad starts in with the questioning. First of all, Otis Hatchet seems to somehow have it in his mind that Bret is engaged to his daughter for the sole purpose of pillaging the family's vast fortune, which he mentions at every opportunity. He riddles Bret with a machine-gun fire of awkward questions and comments: Are your parents still alive? You're not going to call me "Dad" are you? You're signing a prenup! I'm rich! My daughter's rich! Are you bald under your hat? When Bret asks if the fries have hot sauce on them because his mouth is burning, Otis Hatchet brays, "I think it's all the LIES yer tellin'!" Did this guy come from the same acting school as New York's mom?

Hilariously, Mr. Hatchet then proclaims that his lil' girl doesn't drink a whole lot. Well, Otis, I submit to you Exhibit A: last week's episode. Oh, and she's a Presidential Scholar. Hatchet looks a little embarrassed when this fun fact is revealed and rightfully so. Her "rocker chick" credibility just went down a notch. Geek!

Back at the Whore House, ASHeather gets all grossed out when a letchy Otis Hatchet blatantly checks out her cans as she putters around the room drunk n' topless. It's really gross and creepy, but she's giving him the free peek. Cover that shit up already and call him out!

It's dinner time and it seems as if these people are constantly eating. But at this mealtime, the gang is going to be served up a nice hot platter of condescension, courtesy of Otis Hatchet. Everyone sits down to eat and the Hatchets immediately start grilling everyone on their backstories. When ASHeather mentions that she has a degree in communications, Otis Hatchet smugly replies that he can hook her up with Time-Warner because they are a "client". Or maybe he said "hooker up". I'm not sure. And maybe "Time-Warner" is actually his nickname for his crotch area. Either way, it's very ooky and everyone at the table stares miserably at their plates, until ASHeather pipes up and instructs Hatchet to tell her dad how she "knocked over 40 bottles in Vegas." Hatchet cackles haughtily and plays it off like she already told them, but look closely and you can see Otis Hatchet's face turning red. You know what he's thinking: "Don't you dare embarrass me—Otis Hatchet! Richest man in all the land!"

Through all this drama, Bret looks like a forest creature with its leg mangled up in a bear trap. He takes his aggressions out on a punching bag with Otis Hatchet's face taped on it, which he rips down as Little Girl Hatchet approaches. Bret says that he is offended that Otis Hatchet assumed that he was a money-grubber and Hatchet somehow twists the conversation around to talking about how ASHeather doesn't respect her parents and how she'll never stop stripping. So, typical Hatchet. But guess what: turns out ASHeather and Jes overheard the entire conversation from the roof! Zing! ASHeather marches up to Hatchet and confronts her and screams loud enough for everyone in the house to hear: "Why don't you tell your dad how many times you've [bleepity-bleep-bleep-bleep-ed] Bret's [bleep] since you've been here?" YES!!! How could this possibly get better??

This is how: Hatchet naturally follows ASHeather into the house and weakly retorts that her parents have known her for 30 years, which sends ASHeather into a frenzy and she starts screaming to Otis Hatchet: "Your daughter is a slut!" Being a member of the Hatchet family, Otis's natural response is to go tell on ASHeather to Bret, which is arguably best moment on this show so far this season. Otis approaches Bret, who is working out, and says, "Sorry to bother you, Big Boy, but Heather told me that I need to be concerned about my daughter sucking your dick."

Because it's so good, go ahead and read it again. "Sorry to bother you, Big Boy, but Heather told me that I need to be concerned about my daughter sucking your dick." In fact, you may want to look it up on YouTube or catch the repeat just so you can see the expression on Bret's face. I tried to find a still shot of it to share with you because it's absolutely priceless. It's akin to that earlier allusion I made to him having his foot caught in a bear trap, only this time he's desperately chewing at his own leg to get free so he can run like the wind away on one foot. Bret wonders where Security Goon Big John is when he needs him. He's sleeping, Bret. Snoozing away like a big, dumb animal in an overstuffed chair from Ikea. No one can help you now!

His only hope, Obi-Wan, is elimination. The gals say good-bye to their families and Hatchet promises to call later "with the good news", whatever that means. Is she planning to hoodwink Bret into signing a prenup? Looks like she's going to be shit out of luck, because Jes and ASHeather are chosen to continue rocking Bret's world next week...in CABO!!!! Wooooooo!!!! Which also means that Hatchet Face has been voted out of the Whore House! Ding, dong the bitch is dead! Happy, happy, joy, joy! When she's interviewed after the slaughter she says she is in shock, and wears the same glazed Norman Bates-ish expression she has pretty much at all times. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Hatchet! No more talking dirty for you!

Next week: it looks as if next week is the final episode, but my guess is "surprise" clip show, so don't get too excited. Yet.

1 comment:

Lola said...

Or maybe he said "hooker up".
There was so much beauty in your rant, I can't even choose my fave slam. He DID look like an animal stuck in a trap, and then wanted to chew his own leg off. I vote for Papa Crazy as the creepiest Dad ever. Something is VERY weird in that family-can you detect a hint of incest? Cannot wait for the finale.