RoL5: A bunch of broken bitches

So here's something I've been meaning to address: the lyrics to the RoL theme song, sung (and written?) by Mr. Bret Michaels himself: "I'll show you things you've never seen/touch my backstage pass/ride my limousine/let me be your rock of love." Short, sweet and full of innuendo. Just like Bret! OK, I admit that I have no idea if he sweet and I'm just assuming that he is short, because most rock guys are. I'm thinking more along the lines of Axl short rather than Dio short, but what do I know? I CAN say definitively, though, that Bret is bursting at his spandex seams with innuendo.

Of course, it just wouldn't be Rock of Love with out two important elements: drinking and plotting. And this ep kicks off with plenty of both. Hatchet Face and the aging, strident stripper Heather are conniving a diabolical new plan to "target" Erin, whom you may remember as Miss Hooters of Illinois. It's kind of like tying Bambi down and aiming an Uzi directly at his forehead...and how will PETA feel about that, Hatchet?? Anyway, while these two are holding the Hooker Potsdam Conference, The Other Brandi is taking care of the other activity we are coming to know and love these girls for—boozing. She slugs back Andre by the bottle and wakes up in a puddle of her own drool with a killer hangover. Let's hope that the day's challenge doesn't involve anything too physical, because The Other Brandi doesn't think she can handle it. And I bet you won't see what's coming next from two hundered miles away.

The hoes are Hummer limo-ed out to a field where Bret greets them with the news that they will be playing football today...in the mud! Now there's a hangover-friendly activity! Plus, I have to add that I totally called it, clear back when I made speculations about what would happen on this show. It's not exactly mud wrestling, but it's close enough for me! Because he likes girls who can "go long" (hardy-har-har, Mr. Innuendo!), he wants a girl who will watch men in tight pants wrestle each other to the ground and exchange spanks with him. The slags are divided into two groups: the Fallen Angel bad girls and the Sweetheart buzzkills. Hatchet, naturally, immediately starts flapping her gums about how she's going to take everyone down, then...surprise! Jes divebombs her, causing her to bust up her ankle and instantly taking her out of the game. To even the teams up, The Other Brandi opts to take to the bench and nurse her hangover, and the game continues with Jes and Heather as top candidates for MVP...and the coveted Bret Date! When the game ends with each team scoring two touchdowns, a suspenseful tiebreaker is held and Jes scores the winning points. Also, Heather's pants get pulled down. Which is not news.

What IS news is that Jes wins the big date with Bret and straightens her pink hair for the occassion. Holy crap, Jes is a total babe! Seriously! I think I have a girl crush on her. What is she doing on this show? The other nitwits I can understand, but Jes actually seems kind of normal. Anyway, Security Goon Big John escourts Jes to a restaurant where Bret appears on a stage to woo her with some guitar ballads (no "Every Rose", though). They have what seems like a fun date and, of course, suck face.

Back at the Whore House, the scheming has reached a fever pitch. Hatchet and Heather JUST SO HAPPEN to overhear Erin speaking to her boss on the phone and exclaim with disappointment that she will miss a visit from Justin Timberlake to her club the following evening. Score! Hatchet temples her fingers C. Montgomery Burns-style and cackles with glee at the opportunity to tattle on Erin for daring to insinuate that she'd rather hang out with JT than Bret! You know who's bringing sexyback? Not Hatchet! But she's going to make sure that Erin doesn't miss her precious opportunity to meet Timberlake.

Speaking of boobs, Heather also decides to throw in her bitchy two cents in the form of a note that "exposes" all the girls in the house. Exposing what, exactly? They are all strippers, porn stars and Hooters waitresses! Nothing she can cook up should surprise Bret. So if this note doesn't do it, what's next? Are they going to short sheet Erin's bed? Push her out of the locker room naked? Draw a mean picture of her? Oh, wait, they already DID! (By the way, anyone have any idea how old these two hapless skanks are?) Turns out, they won't have to worry, because when Bret finds and reads Heather's note, he promptly drags her into his room, flops down on the bed, props his chin in his hands and proceeds to gossip like a woman with her about the other girls. What the fuck?? Bret says he thinks Erin still has a boyfriend and, of course, this is the perfect opportunity to bring up Justin Timberlake! Wow, that really chaps Bret's ass. I wonder how he would have reacted if it was Vince Neil? Now that would have been funny...

Anyway, the gabfest continues the next day when he takes the rest of the winning football team—The Other Brandi, Mia and Magdalena—to a shooting range for their group date. It's at the post-shoot brunch that a bombshell is dropped: Aging Strident Heather appeared on The Surreal Life Fame Games and tried to bone Vanilla Ice. HELL-O! Forget Vince Neil—this may be the choice piece of information that sends Bret over the edge. Yes! He retaliates by telling the girls about Heather's note, and later in the evening they confront her about it. Delicious! Heather sputters and looks sheepish and chews on her gel nails and then claims that the note was all about her and included an apology to Bret for being naked all the time. Oh. My. God! Could this show get any better??

The answer is YES.

Elimination is tense and it comes down to (predictably) Heather and Erin. Can I take this moment to comment on Heather's hair during the eliminiations? Slap a Jessica McClintock for Gunne Sax dress on her and she could have been plucked directly from the homecoming court page in my high school yearbook. At least we know there's still a market for Aqua Net Extra Super Hold. Anyway, Heather and her hair are kept around for another week and Erin is sent back to Illinois to mingle with the pop elite. She smirks at the camera after eliminiation and cheekily asides that "[she's] had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels." Zing! But, has she had bigger and better stars than JT? Something tells me we're talking more along the lines of Chip Z'Nuff here...

Thus, we end another week, and now there are seven skanks left (make that six skanks AND my beloved Jes!), including the scare pair Hatchet and Heather, who can still touch Bret's backstage pass. Next week: whoring it up on the tour bus! See? I told you it could get better!

PS Can't get enough RoL? Of course you can't! Be sure to visit the excellent VH1 blog for more fun recaps and interviews. Rich Juzwiak is my blogger hero. He also writes the wonderfully witty, superbly snarky FourFour blog, which I list among my Kickass Links. He also snaps the brill screencaps that I use to illustrate my own RoL synopses. Just a little shout-out.