8/29/2007

RoL7: Sexy. Sexy, sexy. Sexy? Sexy! Sexy...

If there's one thing RoL teaches us, it's that Bret Michaels has some weird-ass turn-ons. Aging, strident strippers, drunk slobs, mental patients, Hatchet Face...everything and everyone is sexy in Bret's world. How about we play a little game in today's wrap-up? Let's count how many times the word "sexy" is mentioned in this episode, 'K? Change things up a bit...

It's down to the Sexy Six (1!) and the competition is getting stiff, as is Bret, and of course, he's devised another challenge that gives the girls an opportunity to whore it up to their hearts' (and his dick's) content. This time, they are asked to shoot a trampy cover for Bret's rockin' new solo album. The girls will be in teams of three, with two playing model and one serving as creative director. Sam is all jazzed up because she "models for [her] friends" sometimes. I knew it—Sam is a Suicide Girl! Which would also explain the pink eye shadow, the prison tattoos and the crippling depression. One mystery solved!
("Sexy" total: 3)

The hos arrive at the photo studio and immediately Hatchet Face starts in on her usual trip of announcing how she's going to pick the girls off one by one, and how "[she's] the musician of the group so [she] know[s] album covers!" This can only mean one thing; foreshadowing of an embarrassing and crushing defeat at the hands of whichever girl she decides to target this week. Since she failed at getting Sam kicked off last week, she's moved on to Mia, who still hasn't "proven herself" to Bret. Luckily, Mia is practically serving herself up on a platter by volunteering to be the creative director for her team of Aging, Strident Heather and The Other Brandi.

Hatchet acquiesces to Jes for control of the shoot on the other team, but continues to blurt out helpful suggestions, such as "We should have a dominatrix!" and "Let's have a dominatrix and a pin-up!" Ah, now I'm starting to see why Bret keeps this nutbag around. Anyway, the team settles on the super-creative, never-been-done-before album cover theme of Good Vs. Evil. The other team, however, is taking the totally overused route of...dressing a chick up as a dude. That's right: for some reason The Other Brandi decides to dress as a man complete with fake gray hair stuck in "his" armpits and a stuffed crotch. She gets wayyyyyyy too into it, too—swilling beer, puffing obnoxiously on a cig and adopting a kind of frat-boy-cum-Harvey-Fierstein tone of voice. Per usual, Aging, Strident Heather looks like a drag stripper and announces that as her contribution to the shoot, she's going to do something sexy with a wrench. I'm leaving that one alone.
("Sexy" total: 7)

Jes comes up with the super-hella-80s album title When Love Dances With the Devil, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Bret reveals later that this actually IS the title of his bitchin' solo album. The cover concept features Sam dressed in light pink and pearls and wearing a wide-eyed Precious Moments expression as Hatchet creepily straddles her and looks, well, like she usually looks. Again, Hatchet starts taking over with the art direction and I can't stop cracking up because she looks just like Bert McCracken in a red sequined bikini. I mean, she is just hideous! Any guy in his right mind would run and hide because she has "I'm going to bite the tip off" written all over her in huge block letters.

If you thought that photo session was bad, we then get to see Aging, Strident Heather trying to act like Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video by rubbing her big, fake boobs and aging, strident crotch all over the hood of a car, while The Other Brandi hams it up in her horrific Man Costume. It's just so fucking awful that you actually start to try to use mind control to make it stop. Think hard! Nope...still not working...but at least the scene is over mercifully fast.
("Sexy" total: 10)

Speaking of boobs, back at the Whore House, Hatchet is bitching to ASHeather that all the good ideas were hers and all the bad ideas were Jes's and it's not fair if they win because Jes, as creative director, will get a solo Bret Date and Hatchet will have to go on a group date with Bret and Sam. Her schtick is getting really obvious. It's like, if you go on a reality show with the intention of being the villian, at least have some variety in your evil ploy-ing. She does the same stupid shit every week... "blah, blah, I'm targeting X...blah, blah, I'm going to rock this challenge...blah, blah, I lost and it's not fair..." It's even more obvious when the groups meet again to develop presentations for their covers and Hatchet actually instructs Jes to "speak slowly" as she's presenting to Bret. Somebody, please, smack this bitch! And please let it be Security Goon Big John!

As it turns out, Hatchet isn't the only one that is deflecting blame for any wrongdoing in the challenge. The Other Brandi and ASHeather know their cover is shitty and, while they both congratulate themselves for taking charge during the photo shoot, declare that if they fail, it's creative director Mia's fault. Hatchet continues to antagonize by telling Jes "if we were on The Apprentice right now, you'd be fired." Eureka! Hatchet wants to be the new Omarosa! She's envisioned a future of inexplicable red carpet photo ops, Best Week Ever appearances, and hopefully a stint on The Surreal Life!

Finally, it's presentation time! Mia's team goes first and, upon unveiling the album cover, Bret is speechless. In fact, he stutters. He looks like he might need a little touch-up between the eyebrows. Bret says that he didn't realize that the "man" in the picture was The Other Brandi at first, and that he didn't find the cross-dressing very sexy. Holy shit! We've discovered the one thing that doesn't give Bret a woody. When Love Dances With the Devil floats his boat by default, but he dumbly predicts that this racy cover might not sell in the Bible Belt. Stupid Bret! He may not be Mr. Marketing, but he knows a winner when he sees one, and Jes's team takes the prize. Predictably, Hatchet still isn't happy that Jes gets the solo date because she feels she contributed more in the creation of the winning cover (even though she volunteered to be a model), so she pulls Bret aside and starts tattling on everyone again. As she's squawking about everyone's incompetence, it hits me who Hatchet is a dead ringer for: Aphex Twin! Stick a red wig on this picture and tell me I'm wrong. When she says, "I promise I'm not really crazy!" I totally thought of this album cover. Come on, it's perfect!! Good lord, I'm a genius...
("Sexy" total: 23)

The Train of Unfairness has apparently pulled into the Whore House Station, because at the same time, The Other Brandi and ASHeather (who by the way is poolside and topless AGAIN) decide that they didn't get the proper opportunity to sex it up for Bret. To make up for it, they don their flooziest lingerie and start taking Polaroids of each other in various porny poses. ASHeather models with a strategically-placed guitar. The Other Brandi poses topless with a mike wire hanging from her mouth. It's all so '80s metal skank I can hardly stand it. This is the kind of behavior I would expect from Bulletboys fans...but from Poison groupies? Offer nothing less than what Motley Crue would get, ladies. Once you offer up a shot of yourselves shitting in a litter box, then we're talking.
("Sexy" total: 41)

The winning models get to go to a seaside surf n' turf restaurant with Bret where Hatchet continues her campaign to bash her teammates. When she hits the potty, Sam confronts Bret about why he is keeping Hatchet around and naturally he has no explaination. Bret finds the whole afternoon a bit of a buzzkill and says that the date "wasn't as sexy as I'd hoped it would be." What did he expect? Sam and Hatchet to push the hush puppies aside and start pouring cocktail sauce all over each other? Get real, Bret. That sort of thing only happens at Rick James's house. His solo beach date with Jes seems to go a little better—they spot some dolphins and then swap some spit.
("Sexy" total: 57)

When he returns to the Whore House, Bret has a surprise waiting for him: the results of ASHeather and The Other Brandi's photo shoot plastered all over his bedroom door. His tongue practically unfolds out of his mouth and rolls out cartoonishly like a red carpet. Hatchet actually says something funny: "I guess that's what happens when you leave two strippers home together."
("Sexy" total: 834)

Before eliminiation, the gang gets together for dinner (wait, didn't they just eat?) and Hatchet proceeds to ruin the meal by prattling on and on about PETA and animal testing and how when you eat hot dogs you're eating pig butts, etc., etc. ad nauseum. The Other Brandi has finally had it, and she throws down her napkin and parades out of the room. When Bret follows her to find out what's wrong, she tearfully admits that she is afraid she's going to attack Hatchet. Come on! She had a fork and knife in her hand only moments before. There is simply too much talk and not enough action in the Whore House. I want action tonight, bitches! Give me something to believe in already. Unfortuantely, all the warnings were not enough for Bret to give Hatchet the boot—Mia (who I thought was the prettiest of the bunch) is sent home and Hatchet is chosen as one of the final five, as is ASHeather and her gravity-defiant hair and boobs. Bret thinks Hatchet is passionate and likes that she "fights for her man." Let me guess, Bret. Passion and fighting are both really sexy. We'll see how sexy it all is when Hatchet is holding a corkscrew to your manhood and accusing you of fucking some stripper in Peoria!
("Sexy" total: 574,193)

2 comments:

EW said...

Ripsey wouldn't stand for that Hatchet bullshit. She'd stab Hatchet with the knife AND the fork while she was sleeping.

Laura said...

Did you actually have a Bert McCracken reference in a delicious Bret Michaels rant? You are my goddess. I love this show. Any spoilers on who will lose...er...win?