8/03/2007

All the news that's fit to print (that's not about Blohan)

Breaking news in the world of Shit That Is Unimportant In The Grand Scheme Of Things But Reverse The Earth On Its Axis In RockitQueen's World. And none of it has anything to do with Bret Michaels! So here we have three news items and a rant:

• The goddamn Duggers are at it again. And by "it", I mean they just can't stop humping. The Arkansas power couple Jim Bob and Michelle, who you may remember as the winners of the 2006 Most Morbidly Fascinating Stupie, delivered their 17th child. Ha, ha...delivered! The kid probably just fell out as she was walking to the car! And then I'm sure as soon as the umbilical cord was snipped, Jim Bob jumped her right on the gurney to get started on #18. And then immediately after that, they called the Discovery Health channel to get the film crews out and shoot yet another documentary about them and their buddy-system lifestyle and Michelle's Treet, Tots n' Mayo Bake recipe. The special they SHOULD do is obvious: the four oldest kids are now 19, 17 (twins) and 16. We need to see them interacting with potential mates. Chaperoned, of course.

• Good news for one of my fave people ever: Dog the Bounty Hunter is free! The charges that were brought against him, Tim and Leland for bounty hunting in Mexico have been dropped. Hurray! There is still a chance that an appeal can be filed, but what's the point? Anyway, the thought of Leland under arrest is totally hot.

• So a horrifying report came out this week that Tool King Pete Wentz has signed with something called "One[M]" as a model. I thought that this place must be one of those sketchy kiosks you see in the middle of every dying mall in the Midwest that boasts the homecoming queen from your high school as their top client, but it turns out it's simply a branch from his band's management agency. I would say thank god, except that this place seems to be kind of legitimate and represents some well-known mannequins, including Iman, Angela Lindvall and Helena Christensen. The only explaination is that there was some kind of clause Pete's manager snuck into Fall Out Boy's contract to ensure there wouldn't be another suicide attempt until the band bombs. OK, that was mean. But come on, the guy looks like some unholy mixture of Jeremy Piven, Jay Leno, and a lowland gorilla that's been punched in the face. I just don't get it.

• For the record, I don't smoke. In fact, I hate smoking. Ohio recently implemented a smoking ban in public buildings and I love it. I may come home from the bars shitfaced and puking my guts out, but at least I don't smell like an ashtray! With that said, I hate those obnoxious "Truth" ads more than I hate smoking. I would go as far as to say that I would rather smoke a case of Kools with no break than spend any amount of time with the douchebag pictured at left. You know who he is: the bespectacled jerk that puts unsuspecting interviewees on the spot with smug, loaded questions about Big Tobacco. To a gun store employee: "Do you sell any bullets that are 38 lights?" To a dairy farmer: "Is milk more dangerous than second-hand smoke?" To a drug counselor: "Do you treat jogging addictions?" Yeah, don't ask. It's meant to be funny, but it's all so convaluted that annoying that I want to smoke a cigarette just to piss them off. They have now implemented the "hip", "edgy" catchtag of WHUDAFXUP, as in "WHUDAFXUP with sweet smokes?" Ug! I want to send him a smoking monkey. That's WHUDAFXUP!

Whew, that was cathartic! Now I can get back to my 'round-the-clock skank coverage guilt-free!

2 comments:

Laura said...

Public smoking is banned here in San Diego, too. It's awesome.
The Dugger's are cool. Maybe they're using their kids as organ donors. That would be sweet! If they harvest the organs before the kids turn 20, I wonder if they get a rebate. Pete Wentz is a DAWG. Leland is a yummy mullet monkey, and I'm recently crushing on Adrien Grenier. Is that so wrong?

Mirabel said...

People should read this.