RoL6: Hold me

Ah, morning at the Whore House. Nothing but the sounds of snoring, gurgling and The Other Brandi's farts. But suddenly, the peaceful early-morning quiet is rudely interrupted by Security Goon Big John rousing the sleeping skanks by bellowing, "Wake up! This ain't rock n' sleep!" Uggg...is there anything worse than being abruptly awoken at 6 a.m. by an 800-pound gorilla? Take my word for it; there isn't.

Apparently, life on the road involves a lot of early mornings and unbrushed teeth, and today's challenge is to gauge how well the girls can handle rambling around the country in a cramped tour bus, eating at 7-11 and grabbing quickies in truck-stop bathrooms. Well, when I say "the country", what I really mean is a large parking lot with signs that say "New York", "Nashville" and "Los Angeles." It's a virtual country! And "in" each "city", the "girls" will have to "compete" in a road-themed "challenge." Security Goon Big John chooses a name out of a hat and that skank picks another skank to compete against. First up is my girlfriend Jes versus Magdalena. These two have to race to see who can pack a suitcase the fastest. Big whoop. It's just as exciting as it sounds; Mags pulls off a win and lil' Jes is left on a bench in "New York".

Next up we have Mags against Sam, and Security Goon Big John announces that while Bret's girl has to deal with less-than conditions on the road, she still must look hot. This means the girls have to change into crotchless unitards, bustiers, minis and stripper shoes...in a Porta-Pot. I can't decide if this is more or less skanky than when Flav had his contestants strip behind a screen for him. As an added bonus, the camera crew toilet-papered the inside of the Portas and expelled last night's Don Pablo's El Presidente Platter into the bowls. Sam wins by default because she ties her shoes correctly. Sorry, Mags, no soup for you!

The next stop is "Detroit" and, appropriately, the slags must dig through a garbage Dumpster to find Bret's guitar pick. At first I thought they were going to have to dig through to find CC, but I guess the challenge had to be a little bit tougher and a little less risky. Hatchet Face chooses Sam as her competitor and, as the two dive in and start digging around, one wonders which is grosser: the trash heap or Sam's crotchless leggings. In a totally unexpected twist, Hatchet blabbers that she's definitely going to win this, and then loses miserably to Sam.

Up next we have Mia and Aging, Strident Heather who must hook a guitar up to an amp and then tune it. "This oughta be good!" you think...and it is. Both girls wrestle comically with the guitar cords, unable to deduct why no sound is coming out. Security Goon Big John finally has to clue them in that the amps are not plugged in. Duh, dingbats! It's rule numero uno in rock...make sure everything is plugged in! These two have just learned a valuable lesson. Mia is a little less slow and, thus, Heather is left to wallow on the bench.

The next-to-last challenge involves a puzzle...uh oh. Big John announces that sometimes Bret gets drunk and forgets the words to his hit songs that he's sang 50,000 times before, so Mia and The Other Brandi must compile the correct chorus to "Every Rose" using a giant magnetic poetry set. Mia fucks up, leaving The Other Brandi and Sam to compete in a dance-off to determine the winner. Just kidding...they have to run an obstacle course that consists of three velvet ropes and a football tackling dummy. Even though Sam is running it in the Porta-Pot skankwear outfit and Uggs, and her mini hikes up practically around her neck as she jumps, exposing her ass, The Other Brandi blows her away. Meaning she gets to blow Bret!

Back at the Whore House, Hatchet and Aging, Strident Heather begin conniving again, and this time their target is Sam, whom they deem "too sensitive." And what better night to get started on this diabolical plan than on this one? It's Bret's birthday! The skanks plan a party with streamers, balloons, a flat-looking cake and plenty of booze! WOOOOO! That stripper pole is getting greased tonight! As the hoes prepare to party, Magdalena takes a hit of helium from a balloon and her voice hilariously sounds like a completely normal girl voice. It's sort of what you imagine James Earl Jones might sound like if you kick him in the junk.

Bret shows up and the party starts. Operation Eradicate Sam spins into motion. ASHeather and Hatchet grind provocatively on Bret and desperately lick his face. The scheme works! Even though Sam delights Bret with an impromptu humping of the stripper pole, she then shies away from all the skanktastic fun to sulk in her room. The next morning, Sam snaps at Hatchet and Hatchet immediately runs to Bret to express concern that Sam is "losing it." They are so totally keeping Hatchet around for drama; no way would a get-around guy like Bret keep this Captain Bringdown around in a real-life situation. She's not even hot and I'll bet she doesn't even have implants! Anyway, Bret approaches Sam and she shares her fears about falling in love on national television. Wait a minute, was that rational thought I just heard?? Hmmm, we ARE talking about the lead singer of Poison here..so no, no it's not. But we may have been close.

Speaking of boobs, Bret escorts The Other Brandi on their big date, which is to a hockey game where they have dinner in a loge and get some face time on the Jumbotron. And on each others' faces. Whatever...the REAL excitement is going on back at Casa de Puta where all the leftover girls have been asked to compile a list of reasons why each girl should be sent home. Tension!! While Sam, Mia, Jes and Mags express discomfort with this activity, Hatchet practically pees her pants with excitement at the chance to be bitchy. The other girls basically inform Hatchet that they all hate her and Mags utters the quote of the show: “Lacey’s a fucking dirty, sneaky bitch. She looks like a man. She looks like she’s possessed by devils. She’s just a freak.” The possession theory is confirmed when The Other Brandi returns home, and Hatchet immediately swoops in to tell her that the others sold her out in the note to Bret. Serpent-tongued beast! The Other Brandi doesn't believe her for a second, proving she may be smarter than we all originally thought.

Bret pays another visit to Sam who announces that she feels out of place in the house and may just be too sensitive for the rock n' roll shennanigans. Bret proceeds to comfort her with the second-best quote of the evening: "Hold me." That's right; Mr. Sensitive needs affection, just like everyone else. Oh, wait, I mean FROM everyone else. I think Sam is onto something.

Finally, it's elimination time, and how do we know this? Because Heather did her bangs, that's how! Bret, for his part, is wearing a red vinyl jacket from Wet Seal and yet another airbrushed cowboy hat (how many does he need, anyway?). The final two are Mags and Sam, who whimpers that she thinks she's going to pass out. Mags is called up...and sent home! Shocker! Way to mess with Sam's already-unstable emotions, Bret. Sam lets out a sigh of relief and skips away to spend yet another day (or two-ish?) in the house o' intense uncomfortable-ness. Cheers!

1 comment:

Laura said...

"(Bret) is wearing a red vinyl jacket from Wet Seal". You outdid yerself with this rant, sistah.
You are a golden god.