Pomposity, thy name is Paltrow

I have a red-hot hatred of Gwyneth Paltrow. Ever since I saw her in Seven, I've hated her anemic guts. That was back when she was still engaged to Brad Pitt and everyone was creaming about her being the next Grace Kelly. Give me a break.

When I first saw Gwyneth in Seven she reminded me of a whimpering puppy, then I decided she reminded me more of a scarecrow, complete with the rod shoved up its ass. Now I'm getting more of a wet mop vibe, and maybe it's because she's such a wet blanket.

But it's not necessarily her wispy, straw-like looks that annoy me: it's the fact that she seems to think she's smart, sophisticated and worldly and that everyone needs to hear her opinions and recommendations on everything that pops into her pea brain. Every time she opens her mouth it's something pretentious, pseudo-intellectual and superior. She whines about not being able to get facials every day now that she's a parent and pontificates on how she'd rather "travel economy" than sell out. And then there's all the musings about how much better England is than America. To refresh your memory and ignite your ire:

I love the English way, which is not as capitalistic as it is in America. People don't talk about work and money. They talk about interesting things at dinner parties. I like living here because I don't tap into the bad side of American psychology, which is "I'm not achieving enough, I'm not making enough, I'm not at the top of the pile!"

I'm very happy here [in London] and I really like the way the film industry works. Everybody cares. I like that it doesn't have this big capitalistic feeling. When you do something in L.A. you really feel the crew are punching the clock.

I find the English amazing how they got over 7/7. There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America. There, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist.

Brits are far more intelligent and civilized than Americans. I love the fact that you can hail a taxi and just pick up your pram and put in the back of the cab without having to collapse it.

Pram! Well gollleee, I wish I could be as sophisticated as Gwyneth Paltrow. But here I am just a slack-jawed yokel who don't care 'bout nothing but meat pies n' money! Well, it looks like all us rubes are in luck because Gwynnie has graciously decided to share her worldly wisdom with us pleabians in the form of GOOP, her new "lifestyle" website. Now we, too, can learn how to live like the crunchy granola queen of show-biz!

Seriously, you have to check this site out. It shows just how unintelligent, elitist and out-of-touch she really is. Bear in mind that she launched this site in September, in the midst of an economic collapse, with the intro line, "My life is good because I am not passive about it." I mean, the cluelessness is staggering.

And then there's the ever-present stink of pretentiousness that hovers around everything Gwynnie says and does. The site's subtitle says it all: "Nourish the Inner Aspect." Buckle up and get ready for a puke-inducing ride into the seventh circle of New Age hell. Gwynnie's all about yoga and acupuncture and wheat germ and all manner of pseudoscientific tripe. But don't let me tell you about it. Why don't we explore Gwynnie's magical life and what she thinks we should Make, Go, Get, Do, Be and See...and rip this bitch a new one?

Make
"It is that time of year, folks. I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess. Anyone else?" Duh, of course, Gwyneth! I'm fat! And I'm dying to be pin thin like you! How do I do that? With a detox, of course. Dr. Gwynnie recommends drinking fresh fruit smoothies (organics only!), beet juice, broccoli and arugula soup and other boring veggie mush mixtures that look like throw-up. But what happens if my bowel movements get sluggish? "You can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification." Do this and you will shit diamonds like Gwyneth.

Go
Gwynnie is a real jet-setter and she cautions that the hotels that she recommends in this section are "a little on the pricey side" but assures us that her "GOOP girls" are researching some cheaper places and that they will personally try them out before recommending. When the cheapest room available on the list is $350 per night, Gwyneth's paying, girls. We'll all be sure to do din at Riva where the food is "on par with the deliciousness of the amuse." Whatever the fuck that means.

Get
The life of an ak-toor is filled with luxury, luxurious goods and luxurious clothes and fabrics. Gwyneth is oft referred to as a modern fashion icon. But she wasn't always a stylish and pulled-together princess. After she had her pretentiously-named children, "It all kind of went out the window. For a few years I was basically in sweat pants and I didn't mind it. It's a fine line, however, between being comfortable and being demoralized by being frumpy all the time." Gwynnie recommends that all the frumpy hausfraus of the world should avoid demoralization by establishing a "uniform"—something that is easy and stylish at the same time that you can just throw on. Like a Tod's trench coat. Or Rag and Bone jeans. Just grab your Balenciaga clutch and you're on your way! You look like a million bucks for...several thousand bucks.

Gwynnie also recommends some great gifts so that we can all share luxury with our friends and family, including a $1,850 Hermes watch, a $1,400 man purse that you know Chris Martin personally carries, a $500 Dean & Deluca gift basket, and a $40 pair of salad tongs. But they're really luxurious tongs, so they're totally worth it.

Be
If you didn't know, Gwyneth is super-spiritual and holistic. In this section of the website, she "thought it would be inspiring to periodically ask a question to a group of thinkers from various traditions on the subjects that confound" her. This GOOP meeting of the minds includes Deepak Chopra, "Michael Berg of the Kabbalah Centre" and the founder of "The Threshold Society & The Mevlevi Order." Do I really need to comment on this?

See
"I feel a bit swallowed up in January," laments Gwyneth. "The days are so short, the sky is so close and gray. The best way to escape (not to mention the least expensive, most hassle-free way) is to curl up by the fire with an amazing, transportive novel." Amen! Please tell us what you and your "most literary-minded" girlfriends recommend for a gray day of transportation? Of course, there's Anna Karenina, which is a great choice. And there's the hipster classic A Confederacy of Dunces, which Chris Martin probably read to her on their third date. And don't forget the Oprah's Book Club favorite Their Eyes Were Watching God. Did you know the author "died working as a domestic with no money to her name?" Whoa, watch it there, Mrs. Henry Lafayette DuBose!

Gwynnie's personal favorites are Jane Eyre, Crime and Punishment, and The Sheltering Sky, which was given to her by Ethan Hawke after he "correctly intuited that I needed some perspective, some grounding, a sort of literary bringing down to size." What I wouldn't do to have been a fly on the wall at the Algonquin Round Table of Gwyneth Paltrow and Ethan Hawke.

Well, those are the lowlights and I've just about had it with this piss. Of course, there's plenty more well-deserved vitriol to hurl Gwynnie's way, but why waste the time? Last week, 68,000 people lost their jobs in the U.S. in one day, and Gwyneth posted a recipe for turkey meatballs and green peas requiring no more than "a squeeze of lemon juice, torn basil, a drizzle of good olive oil and a little Maldon sea salt for good measure." All I can say is that Gwyneth Paltrow needs to Make some time to read the news, Go outside of her privileged crystal ball once in a while, Get her head out of her ass, Be aware of her own intellectual shortcomings and See all the middle fingers that are pointed in her direction, thanks to GOOP.

P.S. Shout-out to Karen and Amanda!