RoL 3.3-3.5: Make it stop

I've just about had it with RoL. I never thought I'd see the day, but this show is sucking my will to live. Bret is totally phoning it in, the skanks are the most disgusting bunch of festering boils ever to infect my television and I'm kind of worried about more important things right now. Like Rihanna. I'm totally worried about Rihanna. Do you think she's OK?

Anyway, the name of the show is bugging me, too. Couldn't they have come up with a better name than Rock of Love Bus? What about Rock of Love: Road Burn? Or Rock of Love: Skid Marks? Or why beat around the bush: Rock of Love: Sluts on Wheels?

So since we last left our (g)road crew, Porny, Brazil Nut and Random Blonde #57 (who wasn't "there for Bret") got voted off. Big whoop

The next ep starts off with Squishy Barbie Doll Face and Random Blonde #2 (or is it #8?) talking about Natasha, the one who said she wanted to be a madam on the first episode, and speculating on the size of Nat's peepee. They think she's a dude. I guess she's going to have to get bigger implants to convince these two that she's female. These chicks look like they got boob jobs from Octomom's doctor.

Meanwhile, Bret's riding in style on his personalized Bret Bus, complete with a giant bed, acoustic guitar for making hits and what look like cymbal lamps, and he's deep in thought. On the other RoLs, he was "hot and heavy" with some of the girls by this point in the season, but this time around things are moving too slow for his liking. So in true Bret fashion, he decides to get things cooking...by taking the skanks to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club.

All the Random Blondes go nuts. "I see all these poles and I'm like, I'm home!" one screams. "The lame skanks haven't been in a Hustler Club," another shrills. That may be true, Random Blonde, but the library is free and has far less bodily fluids on the walls (we hope).

OK, I thought they may have hit rock bottom on the challenges with the "marry Bret and write meaningful vows" contest, but this one is even dumber and more meaningless than that. Upon entering what appears to be the Champagne Room, Bret presents three frumpy chicks an announces that the skanks will have to divide into teams and make over a frump. The team that makes their nottie the hottest hottie wins a super-awesome Bret Date. That's right: it's a fucking makeover challenge.

Naturally, the skanks all start laughing at the frumps and my first thought is, you can totally tell that all three girls are strippers wearing glasses, sweats and no makeup. It's sort of like that stupid movie with Freddie Prinze Jr. where the chick is totally cute but because she is wearing glasses and overalls we're supposed to believe she's a nerd.

Anyway, here comes the Aqua Net and blue eye shadow. Brows are drawn on with Sharpies. Sweats are discarded in favor of skinny jeans. Hair is teased and fluffed to appropriate trashiness. When the girls come out, they actually look kind of cute. We have Jamie, who is about the size of a plastic cocktail sword and who earns Bret's approval for bralessness; Jenny, who looks a bit like the older sister on The Wonder Years; and Kami, who Squishy says looks like Rosie O'Donnell in makeup.

Well, good job, girls. Bret likes what he sees and he simply can't make a decision, so he's just going to take all three team captains on date And, oh, by the way, would Jamie, Jenny and Kami like to join the "tour" and compete for Bret's heart? Sure!

Wait a minute! Did I just hear a record-scratching sound? Here's the big ol' monkey wrench Bret was talking about! For some reason, some of the skanks start clapping at the news while others just look pissed. Squishy, for one, is not going to take this standing up, so she marches onto Bret's bus to lie down...and talk. Bret thinks this is a sign that Squishy cares and immediately starts gossiping about the other whores with her. Here's Squishy's chance to share her man theory about Natasha, and, boy, does she take it, adding that she thinks Nat wears tutus to hide her bulge. Bret is intrigued and makes out with Squishy. Meanwhile, she's got a Hello Kitty tattoo and he's wearing that ridiculous "American Outlaw" airbrushed cowboy hat again.

So now it's date time and Bret takes Mindy, Natasha and Random Blonde #37 on a riverboat! I'm kind of bummed that they didn't all get dressed up in riverboat attire, with Bret donning a fake handlebar moustache, Colonial Sanders string tie and garters on his sleeves. It would have helped add a bit of interest, because this is likely the most boring date in RoL history. He makes out extensively with Mindy and considers asking Nat about her alleged dick, but decides she must be a girl because she freaks out when a bug lands on her. I'm really starting to hate Bret.

And this confirms it. As soon as he returns from the date, Bret summons Squishy and invites her on his personal Bret Bus. He plays a bad power ballad for her on his acoustic guitar and tells her he likes her "in a really hot, sexy girlfriend way." Jesus Christ, what is this...study hall? Plus, it must be noted that Squishy is hideous and is wearing a trucker hat that says "Beautiful Disaster" on it. Bret starts swallowing her, then takes her to the back of the bus, where he probably put on his American Outlaw hat and then engaged in adult interaction with Squishy. You and I are not the only ones shuddering. Bev's there, too.

The next day, Bret takes the three new girls on a bowling date and this is officially the most boring RoL date ever, even though Bret thinks it's awesome.

Once they get back, though, something interesting happens. Bret hits the hotel gym for a little workout and Dimples decides to use it as a chance to get some alone time because she's "shy." As she says this she's saunters into the room wearing what is essentially a napkin used as a halter with another napkin used as a skirt. Bret calls it the best motivation to work out ever and asks her to "tell me stuff." At this point, you can practically hear the wind whistling through her empty head. Bret goads her to talk several more times, but she just sits there like a dead plant with pierced dimples, Sharpie brows and skank suit smiling in that way that people smile where they hear a joke they don't understand. After what seems like an eternity of awkwardness, she gets up to leave with her boob hanging out and interviews that she thinks the physical connection is there but "I'm concerned that the other...what's that called? Mental? Emotional?...like isn't." Bret scratches his balls.

It's elimination time and let's make it quick and easy like ripping off a Band-Aid: Nat the possible man gets the boot. Over and out. I can't take it anymore.

Next week: Nashville, Mud Bowl 3, boobs and possible sex. A beautiful disaster indeed.

No comments: