I watched the Oscars and all I got was this lousy hangover

So the Oscars. Blah blah blah.

I enjoyed the ceremony. I thought Hugh Jackman was a good host. I thought all the winners were deserving. I cried when Heath Ledger's family accepted his award. I smiled when the lovely Kate Winslet finally got a trophy. I thought all the dancing Indians were great.

And I was drunk off my ass. So of course I loved everything.

The problem with the Oscars is the seven-second delay. It takes all the fun out of it. Imagine if Mickey Rourke had won, for example—the orchestra wouldn't have stopped playing at all. They would have played him onstage and right off. Before the stupid safety delay, all kinds of fun shit went down at the big ceremony. In celebration of the land before Oscar night censorship, let's take a look back at the best unexpected Oscar moments in history

Cher (1986)
No one does bad fashion like Cher...and she does it fabulously. We would expect nothing less. And the most infamous example is the feathered headdress, showgirl glitter-strap crop top, zig-zag skirt and matching wrap thing she wore to

Angelina Jolie (2000)
Nine words: "I'm so in love with my brother right now.

Greer Garson (1942)
Greer won Best Actress for Mrs. Miniver and she also wins for the longest acceptance speech in Oscar history. The little stick man wasn't around to cue up the orchestra while Greer pontificated on the nature of competition for SEVEN FUCKING MINUTES.

Sacheen Littlefeather (1973)
When he won the Best Actor Oscar for The Godfather, Marlon Brando sent a Native American woman to publicly reject the award and not because beached whale Brando couldn't get his giant beluga ass off the sofa to make it to the ceremony. It was a boycott in protest against the mistreatment of American Indians in movies and on TV and at Wounded Knee. Backstage, Sacheen read Brando's 15-page speech to the press. She later took off her Apache garb for Playboy.

Robert Opel (1974)
Robert is a photographer, gallery owner and gay rights activist, but you probably know him as the guy that ran naked across the stage while David Niven was presenting an award. The timing is impeccable—Niven says "And now to divulge the contents of this year's most important envelope is a very important contributor to world entertainment..." then BAM! Peen and a peace sign! For some reason, the music starts up. The Niven quips, "Isn't it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings." Oh, Niven, you lovable old queen you!

Joe Pesci (1990)
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Pesci is my all-time favorite Oscar moment because of what he didn't do, and that is go on and on in his speech thanking his golf caddy, his masseuse, god, buddah, allah, mohammed, xenu and his 50 lawyers. Instead, he accepted his award and said, "This is an honor and a privilege. Thank you."

The end.

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