God, here we go again. I've decided that I'm not even going to bother learning these skanks' names because they all look alike. Bev is the only one...she's kind of cool. Which means she doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning.
So today the gang boards the Whoremobiles to travel the long and lonesome highway east of Omaha to go to Indianapolis...where they're all going to marry Bret. Jesus christ. Just when you think these challenges couldn't get any dumber and more meaningless, the contestants are being asked to write wedding vows for Bret and bring him a gift that shows him who they are. What is Bret going to do with 13 pairs of crotchless panties? I guess we'll see...
Porny, for one, is taking this challenge very seriously. She interviews that she's truly in love with Bret for the rest of her life and they should fly on their beautiful wings of love to make the world a better place. I don't know what's scarier—her comments or her nose job. It reminds me of a decomposed Bo Derek.
While she's off being creepy, the others are bent over notebooks writing their vows in bubble letters and dotting their i's with little hearts. The New Age kook plans to dazzle Bret with her mysticism and spends the trip to Indy practicing a ridiculous undulating dance of love.
So the Slutmobiles pull up in front of a church and the gals are directed to a rack of outfits and accessories to create their wedding looks. It's a blur of tulle, fishnet and hot pink stretch satin. Meanwhile, Bret's waiting at the altar wearing a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt and his ever-present bandanna. The church (must be Unitarian) is decked out in burgandy and black and there's even a leather-clad biker lesbian with a Stratocaster to play "Here Comes the Bride." It's enough to make every stripper feel like Cinderella.
First up is Porny and she's on a mission to put every single one of her feelings out there on the table...with five pages of vows. There's terror in Bret's eyes as she mentions kissing away tears and being an umbrella in the rain. Cue Psycho reet-reet sound effects.
While she's treating this as if it really is her big day, some of the other girls are opting for a different, and more obvious approach. Random Blonde #1 writes her vows in verse and notes that if Bret buys the cow, he can hit it from behind. Brazil Nut promises to love, honor and never wear panties. Penthouse Pet Girl gives him framed pictures from her pictorials and some lingerie. Random Blonde #2 gives Bret an Ed Gein-esque plaster model of her torso. And Dimple Piercing Girl gives him her fucking vag stud. I mean, hygiene is getting compromised here.
Finally, we have the breath of fresh air known as Bev who comes down the isle wearing jeans and some kind of motocross t-shirt. She gives Bret the shirt and a helmet. We all know how one way to this man's heart is with dirt bikes, but the main way is with boobs, and Penthouse, Dimples and Random Blonde #1 win.
Back on the bus, Porny collapses on the couch in tears and whines "Am I not good enough?" Yikes. I sense and awkward evening. If anything, at least it with be whimsical, too. The gang is staying at the world-famous Fantasuite Hotel, a joint that features themed rooms. There's an Alien Invasion room with a spaceship-shaped bed and a Venetian room with a gondola. Everyone oohs and ahhs over the rooms and then gathers outside for a Tahitian-themed "reception." There's pigs-in-a-blanket, pineapple and ham poppers and booze a-flowing...and then the lap dances start.
Everyone takes turns writhing and undulating and snaking around Bret. Everyone that is, except Porny, who is sitting alone and sulking because Bret didn't appreciate her book of vows. So she decides it's time to turn her game up a notch. She dashes into her room and changes into what appears to be a child's bikini, slathers orange bronzer all over herself and makes her grand entrance with a shake and a shimmy and a "WHOOOOO!!!" Then she crawls across the lawn to Bret and stands on her head and sticks her crotch right under his nose.
Well, now that this party has been killed, the gang moves indoors where Bret announces that they're going to play a little game called Are You Smarter Than A Rock Star. The skanks can earn VIP passes for alone time with Bret by answering questions correctly. Security Goon Big John, who looks like he's starting to really hate this gig, starts reading off the questions and Bret keeps shouting out the correct answers. Since he can't give the passes to himself, he just hands them out to the three chicks that look the hottest: Penthouse, Natasha and Random Blonde #3.
Once again, Porny loses it and screetches to Natasha that she only got a pass because she's black. Dun-dun-dun! It's on, bitch! With accusations of racism flying Porny defends herself by screaming "My grandfather's black! He's a beautiful black man!" Is this really happening? I mean, they are all in a room with a spaceship and aliens so maybe where in an alternate universe of some kind. An alternate universe that reeks of regurgitated champagne.
So the next morning, Bret takes the wedding challenge winners on the world's most boring date in a fucking pumpkin patch. It's painful, so let's skip this BS. Upon returning to the hotel, Bret decides to meet with some of the randoms he hasn't had the chance to French yet. One of those randoms is the New Age freakshow. She immediately starts in about what a passionate, sexual person she is and how she thinks about sex all the time and sex, sex, sex. But, she also thinks the body is a sacred temple and...has vowed not to have sex for three years. Sorry, New Age...pack up your bindis and saris and get off the bus.
Elimination is anticlimactic, too. Of note is Porny having yet another breakdown where she interviews that she's not this "crazy, wild, naked person anymore" and it's becoming clear that her entire future, feelings of self-worth and, frankly, life is hinging on this show. Lucky for her, she's invited to stay around another week.
Next week: the Whoremobiles roll into Illinois, the gals play hockey with Hatchet Face, Random Blonde #4's implant pops and someone has a boyfriend back home and is accused of not being "there" for Bret. AGAIN.