Time to turn that frown upside down!

I've been a little blue this week for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the final episode of RoL. I'm utterly depressed over all the time and energy I've put into obsessively blathering about this show. Any normal person would say, "Fuck posting synopses of the rest of the episodes. I have other things to do and need to move on to other projects." But not me. I'm like a mental patient.

Here's more proof. I can't stop giggling because I thought I'd entertain myself by making fun of Immortal a little bit. Somehow I got the idea in my head that it would be hilarious if there was a Tiger Beat or Bop or Tutti Frutti some other teen mag special issue dedicated to black metal. I don't have Photoshop, so you'll just have to imagine a collage of super-sexxy black metal babes in full makeup, spiked shinplates and Horgh-style leather gutguards next to teaser lines like:

Awesome 6-page Snap-Out Scrapbook!
Sizzling Super-Centerfolds!
Abbath Answers Your Most Intimate Questions!
BM's New Hot Hunks!
Horgh's Date Do-and-Don't Secrets...Shh! Don't Tell!

What would one of those articles be like?

7 Things You Didn't Know About Horgh!
OK, here's whatcha DON'T know about frizzy-haired, crazy-eyed cutie Horgh! He's 37 years old. He lives in Norway. He has black hair. And he rilly, RILLY hopes you like the new Immortal album Damned in Black! That's the kind of guy Horgh is...the kind that cares what YOU think. Got it? Now here are 7 things you DON'T know about Horgh!
1. Horgh's middle name is Dorcas!
2. Off the stage, he's into billiards...and bowling!
3. His showbiz friends include Infernus, Destructhor, Nocturno Culto and Amy Winehouse!
4. He was secretly embarrassed of the "Call of the Wintermoon" video!
5. Horgh's favorite shows are World's Wildest Police Chases, Survivor and Everybody Loves Raymond!
6. Horgh changes the message on his voice mail every day!
7. He reads all the fan letters you write him!

I can't help picking on Horgh, because he's the fat one. And, OMG, his b-day is totally the same day as mine!! Killer!

Frankly, it's getting a little boring making fun of black metal. I need more inspiration. Where is Until the Light Takes Us?, the black metal documetary that was allegedly coming out in "late 2007"? According to their official page (which is, of course, a Myspace page) "Peter Travis" of Rolling Stone has reviewed the movie, calling it "a nonstop roller-coaster ride of adrenaline fueled action!" Hmm, suspicious. I've never heard of this Peter Travis, great and powerful reviewist from formerly cool rock mag. Perhaps they mean Peter TRAVERS? Strike one.

The filmmakers have also released another hellishly boring clip from the movie, this time of Darkthrone member Fenriz talking on the phone. Big fucking whoop. First we get a jailhouse interview with the fucking Count, and it turns out to a snoozefest. How can anyone possibly interview the Count and not come out with anything good? The guy wore Swiss Miss pigtails to his murder trial. Strike two. Directors of Until the Light Takes Us, I have little faith.

We don't need anymore wuss directors taking on these projects that they can't follow through on. Here's another example.

This documentary features black metal vocalist Gaahl, who is a big huge meanie. His home in Espedal, Norway, looks like Appalachia only far more depressing. It's a place where it can rain for 70+ days straight. He went to school with only one other student his whole life, a student that committed suicide at 18. Everyone in town is afraid of him and refuses to comment on him, and only one journalist will make a statement, but under the condition that his face is blurred out. He obviously fancies himself some sort of Count Dracula-like master of the dark who swoops through the town and sucks the blood out of children and defiles innocent virgins as they sleep.

So the subject matter is ripe. But this film crew blows it. Or more accurately, they blow Gaahl. A good five minutes of the doc are wasted on too-long shots of Gaahl trying to look creepy and intellectual and focusing on the filmmakers whining about the "project" being in "jeopardy" because Gaahl makes them climb a mountain to see the shack where his grandparents lived. It's worse than Celebrity Fit Club. Quit your whining and give the people what they want: freaks saying freaky things. Well, maybe that's now what all the people want.

Anyway, if it's what YOU want: check out the doc here:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Come on, jackoffs. Ask the right questions and stop the whining. We want to know what Gaahl's favorite color is and hear him describe his perfect date!

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