4/05/2008

RoL2.9: The positively true adventures of an aging, strident stripper spy

Guess who's back...back again. Shady's back, tell a friend.

And Shady = our favorite aging, strident stripper and last season's love loser ASHeather! This oughta be good.

So the show kicks off with Bret continuing his role as Ed Hardy's personal hand jobbist. Did Bret buy the whole fucking store or what? But he's not there to pontificate on douchey rock fashion, he wants to introduce the skanks to some very special guests—their EXES! In walks Destiney's surprisingly preppy ex-hubby, J-Simp and Megan's fratish former bfs, Ambre's somewhat nerdy friend and...Nikki Sixx, but not quite! Who knew he and Alexis Arquette had been an item? And who knew he was so emo? I don't care for it, but I am looking forward to possible hair metal fisticuffs between him and Bret.

Also, too bad Kristy Joe didn't stick around for this! Especially after she just dumped her husband over the phone for Bret! Ah, what could have been...

Anyway, Bret also announces that one of his "exes" is also there...and big shockeroo, it's ASHeather. To my delight, Bret explains that he's going to hang with the guys to get dirt on the skanks while ASHeather beats deep, dark secrets out of the hos. For a second I think that Bret is going to add ASHeather back into the competition, a la New York on Flavor of Love. But it looks as if she's simply there to act bitchy and intimidate people. Which is good enough for me!

ASHeather gets the party off predictably. Within seconds the Whore House is alive with the sound of floosies. The gals start doing body shots, ripping their tops off, making out, etc., ad nauseum. Jesus, just pull out the double dongs already.

The boys' gathering is far less sordid...and far, far less interesting. Bret awkwardly starts quizzing the guys about their former sweeties and the "juicy tidbits" they reveal are more like juiceless statements that could be made about anyone. I'm completely fascinated that this stodgy dude that looks like he should be named Wilhelm J. Buffington III and wearing an ascot was married to a wild n' trashy hobag like Destiney. Also, Nikki Sevven is wearing a freaking porkpie hat that looks like it says "Ed Grimley" or something on it.

This is boring, so let's get back to the good stuff. Back at Whore Mansion, ASHeather is urging the skanks to tell her who they hate most and then oh-so-casually mentions that Megan looks familiar. Bomb drop! Megan was a contestant on Beauty and the Geek! What's a girl to do upon hearing news like this? Why, play truth or dare in the hot tub, of course! At least, that's what ASHeather would do...Destiney would just do a naked cartwheel. I wonder if she ever did that for Thurstin Howell Astin Martin man.

Then, out of nowhere Alexis starts having some kind of motor skill malfunction. She is blubbering and crying and doing these weird rapper-ish hand gestures. What could be the problem, Alexis? Either she's drunk or she's upset because she hasn't been entirely truthful with Bret. Come now, Alexis, sit on Auntie ASHeather's lap and tell her what's the matter. I know it's gotta be hard to tell Bret that you have a penis. Anyway, she starts lamenting to Heather about Nikki Sevven and their relationship and blah, blah, blah. And, oh, she reveals that she still lives with her ex. In a one bedroom apartment. But they haven't "done anything" in two years. Hold the phone, Slutterella! Now we're talking with some juice! Meanwhile, ASHeather looks exactly like the Texas cheerleader murdering mom. Actually, she looks more like Verna Heath, the Texas cheerleader murdering mom's intended victim. But she is so totally the Wanda Holloway in this made-for-TV drama.

Elsewhere in the house, our little J-Simp seems to have had a bit too much to drink. Actually, she's wandering around the house in a gold bikini completely smashed out of her gourd. She screams and cries and hugs people and stuffs food in her face and then...YES! We finally have vomit! The other girls carry J-Simp up to bed and she limply falls into the sack, then suddenly and jumps up and tackles ASHeather in a particularly violent drunk hug. When Bret arrives, she accosts him and pushes her smeared, mascara-stained face into his and blows puke breath all over him. So it's just a regular night for Bret.

Bret grabs ASHeather to find out the results of her super-sleuthing. Megan may be a big media ho, but at least she's got a great rack, she says. And J-Simp is so young. And Destiney seems to be a total rock cock groupie. And she's not so sure about Alexis because she's still getting regular Dutch ovens from Nikki Sevven. Record-scratching sound! Bret voiceovers that he was blindsighted by that revelation. When he confronts them about it, Sevven assures Bret that they are not together and he is totally fine with him sticking his dick in Alexis. Great! Glad that's all settled.

Out by the pool, Megan is in tears and tells Ambre that she's hurt because her ex showed up wearing a t-shirt with the name of his bar on it and told her he only came on the show to get free advertising. How could he do this to her? And how stupid can she be to tell Ambre this? Because naturally she runs directly to Bret and squeals. Bret "tries" to ask Megan if she still has feelings for her ex, but it instead devolves into a repeat of last week when Meg just palms his head and they start tongue wrestling. Zzzzzzzz.

Thank god it's time for elimination. Amber interviews that she's feeling pretty confident because she didn't throw up, she's not a stripper and she doesn't live with her ex-boyfriend. Of course, she makes it through, as does Alexis, Destiney and J-Simp. That means Megan's out! She awkwardly stands staring at Bret and slowly shaking her head. Dude, it's not the fucking Kennedy assasination. I'm sure it's not the last time we'll see this chick on reality TV, mark my words.

Next week: Vegas, baby! With ASHeather! And bitchfights! And bitchslapping! And drinks thrown in people's faces!

1 comment:

cinnamonbite said...

Don't you kinda wonder how Bret will spin this into a reoccurring series? I mean, this can't just stop with 2 seasons. If he doesn't end up happily married at the end of this one, he's going to have to admit that he's too much of a loser to hook up with a decent woman.