RoL2.8: Sad trees and crazy mountains

Sorry, everyone. I'm fully aware that I completely suck. I would go on and on about how work has been hectic and how I just haven't been inspired to blog, but no one cares about all that. All you people want is RoL and I'm going to follow through with what I've started and bring that to you.

OK, maybe you don't care about that either. But whatevs, I'm still going to attempt to get in all of this season, too, because I'm totally anal retentive.

Anyway, let's have at it. It's workout time in the Whore House and Destiney is shown weakly pummeling a bag. But while some of the hoes are exercising, one is exercising her right to freedom. That's right: Kristy Joe calls up her hubby and tells him she wants to go through with a divorce. Over the phone. I would say that's quite the fuck you to this guy, but surely he knew she was coming on to this show and that no woman is impervious to the musky charms of Bret Michaels. Duh, what did he expect?

Next we see Bret wearing a tank top (musky!) and standing next to a bed displaying a cornocopia of slutty props and a rack of slutty Halloween costumes. Let's see: there's slutty schoolgirl, slutty nurse, slutty cowgirl, slutty nun, slutty linebacker, slutty prostitute. Let me guess...the girls are going to film a porno?

Close: they're going to be making music videos! The songs they are to animate are Bret's own, of course—"Go That Far" and "Fallen" ("Fallin'"?). I wonder if these songs are from either of his hit albums Broken Road or When Love Dances With the Devil? The skanks are introduced to Dean Karr, a music video director who has worked with Ozzy, Tool and Marilyn Manson and who will be giving them helpful guidance on the right angles to writhe at or something. He turns out to do pretty much nothing except paw at Alexis Arquette while she tries to film.

The gals are divided into two groups and Kristy Joe, Ambre and Megan are assigned the power ballad. Amber directs and KJ stars as a heartbroken Playmate who seems to have lost love or something. It's all stupid and involves a lot of forelorn looks and bad acting from KJ and Megan. But at least this group tries to create something resembling a storyline. The other team's original idea is to dress innocent-looking J-Simp in the slutty schoolgirl outfit and lure her into a seedy strip club where Destiney and Alexis Arquette turn her into a bad girl. Boobs fly everywhere and the stripper pole is greased appropriately. As a final innovation, they throw in a lesbo makeout scene for good measure.

So who do you think wins? Surprise! It's the creative team of Ambre, Megan and KJ! Ambre, as creative director, gets a very special solo Bret Date that he promises will be "very cool, very vibe-y", while the other two get their own little fantasy date the next day.

Now we come to my favorite part of this episode. The "cool, vibe-y" date that Bret alluded to is in his bedroom. Just when you think Ambre is in for some back-of-the-bus action, Bret introduces Satish Dhalakia, and "Eastern master healer" and oh my god, that's no random guy...Doug Henning's ghost has inhabited Yanni's body and is running around passing himself off as some kind of reiki guru!

Doug Yanni starts reading Ambre and Bret's tea leaves or something and tells them they have known each other for centuries. He tells them they need to become hollow bamboos so god can blow through them and I'll bet Bret's thinking he should have just taken her to Don Pablo's for margatini happy hour.

Also of note during this scene is that Ambre claims to be 32. She better be careful—if she lies while god is blowing through her bamboo then 30 disabled orphans will die.

Next we have what may amount to one of the dumbest moves ever made by a skank on this show (and we all know that's saying a lot). KJ gets the bright idea that she needs to tell Bret she's getting divorced RIGHT NOW and starts pounding on his door during his date with Ambre. Bret says that unless it's god or Security Goon Big John with a beer then he's not going to be happy. When he sees it's KJ, he looks pretty annoyed and then exacts the best revenge ever. Bret tells Doug Yanni that someone in this house needs their chakra cleaned up and that she is a "soul in turmoil" then pushes his Eastern healing off on KJ! Brilliant!

Doug Yanni makes KJ sit cross-legged on the floor and says, "Have you ever seen a sad tree? A frustrated ocean? A crazy mountain?" I swear, I'm not making this up. As all this is going on, Bret is making out with Ambre in his rock star love nest without a worry of another interruption from Kristy Joe.

But then something unexplainable happens. After all that effort to get rid of KJ, Bret calls her back to his room to "talk." Daisy, J-Simp and Destiney gather on the stairs outside Bret's room crying like they're at the gates of Graceland. There, there, girls. We know how much you all want to fuck Kristy Joe...

Speaking of which, the next day Bret takes KJ and Megan on a date at a super-fancy hotel restaurant and Megan decides to use the opportunity to show KJ—and the rest of the innocent patrons at the restaurant—that she's not a contender to take lightly. In full view of everyone, Meg climbs right over the lobster bisque and selection of cheeses and dates, straddles Bret and attempts to swallow him whole. Bret "gives in" and accepts her demon tongue into his gullet. Ever the party-pooper, KJ leaves the table and hangs out in the lounge until Megan is done consuming Bret's innards.

Back at the Whore House it's elimination time and KJ thinks she's going to get the ol' heave-ho because everyone thinks she's nuts. But tonight there is a twist, my friends. Indeed, it comes down to KJ and (surprisingly) Megan, who is still picking Bret's weave hairs from her teeth, but in a totally unexpected turn of events, Bret gives KJ the choice to stay or go. And holy shit, she chooses to GO, bitches! For the first time since RoL has been poisoning our airwaves, Bret Michaels gets the big ol' diss and actually looks defeated. He walks KJ out, kisses her goodbye, half-heartedly tells Megan she can stay and then retreats to his room without the usual Bret Beer toast! Holy SHIT, Bret's got a broken heart!

Damn, guess it wasn't just the girls that wanted to fuck KJ.

Next week: it's another blast from the past kids! Here's a hint: this one's got big hair, big boobs and an aging, strident attitude...

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