Remind me why I live in Cowtown again? Oh right, so I get snowed in and have nothing better to do than write about RoL. Which I'd probably be doing anyway.
So let's get to it. Once again, it's morning at the Whore House and Bret refers to the "innocence of morning," including the sweet sounds of belching frogs. And speaking of belching frogs, here comes the Hulk! Oh wait, it's just Inna. Sorry.
Inna the Tank is bummed out because she thinks she and Bret are losing their "connection" and all I have to say is that I can't believe Bret didn't vote her off when she sat on his lap and said, "My father wasn't around and I just want someone to love me" on the first episode. Wow, that's so hot.
The hoes are asked to gather in the living room to learn about the day's challenge and Bret is waiting for them along with two silver foxes wearing leotards. We learn that the oldsters are Shirley Claire and Joan Arlene, two USO performers for the last 50 years. The girls find out that they are going to develop variety show acts and perform in front of a group of veterans. How cute! Ambre makes a stunning blow job face to signify her surprise. She kind of reminds me of Andre from Project Runway 2...remember how he always made this "Oh my god, shut! UP!" face whenever they found out what they would be doing?
Megan and Jessica Simpson decide that they are going to recite the preamble to the Constitution...while hula hooping. You'd think that was "challenging" enough, until you see Megan trying to read. She's like a plant. She actually says she doesn't understand the preamble and adds, "I was learning new words!" Like and and the! I hope she also learned that the Constitution grants her the freedom to be a skank. If we didn't have the Constitution, Megan wouldn't exist.
Tank and Destiney decide they are going to dance and Tank has made the unfortunate choice of wearing a mesh crop top that accentuates her flabby gut. They are also completely pitiful and barely able to do simple dance steps. How can they be expected to dance where there is no pole involved? Anyway, during rehearsals they still can't get it and Tank starts telling off Joan. What?? Telling off a silver fox is a pretty low blow, Tank. But then again, Tank doesn't know what love is and she's just putting up walls, I'm sure.
Alexis Arquette says she'll jump through fire if she has to, but she settles for singing "The Star Spangled Banner," and Kristy Joe and Ambre decide to do a tap routine.
The gang gathers at a vets hall set and the show begins. Ambre and and Kristy Joe go first and Ambre is cute as can be with her little tap routine, but Kristy Joe looks like Michigan J. Frog with legs flailing and akimbo arms thrashing and Bret describes her as a monkey on crack. Boring.
Next, Megan and J-Simp come out, strip off their nurse uniform and start hula hooping. The camera cuts to some of the vets in the audience and they look like they are either confused or drooling and then Bret makes a crack about "the general salutes you." Again boring.
Now we have Destiney and Tank dancing and as expected they are horrible and they seem to know it because suddenly they start stripping and showing their fat thong-clad asses to the crowd. Joan just about dies on the spot and I'm with her because I can't think of two chicks these guys would rather see nude less. Bret comments that these vets have seen some pretty horrific things, but nothing quite as horrific as this. Which is probably the most insightful thing Bret has said all season.
Finally, Alexis Arquette comes out wearing a sailor suit for some reason and starts sexily crooning our national anthem. Some of the vets don't even stand up right away because they aren't sure what they are hearing and because Alexis looks like she's about to fellate the microphone. J-Simp says that not only is she tone deaf, but she doesn't know the words even though she's holding a sheet with the words on it. By the way, I read this week that she's the niece of Oscar de la Hoya, which is kinda weird...did you guys know this?
So, anyway, the madness is mercifully over and based on applause from the vets, the hula hoopers win the competition and a super-sexxxy Bret Date.
Upon returning to Casa de Puta, Bret "whips up" a dinner for everyone with plenty of vino and prompts the girls to say catty things about each other and pontificate on who is there for the "wrong reasons." At first, the skanks are unwilling to rat on everyone, but then Ambre calls out Kristy Joe as someone who "puts on a facade" and how she "talks about exes with passion." Suddenly, Destiney jumps in and starts throwing a tantrum that even Britney's kids would find impressive about how KJ "doesn't have to explain herself to anybody." Frankly, it makes no sense. KJ jumps up and the two practically start pissing on the table. Instead of finding it a hot turn-on, Bret acts like he thinks it's an ugly scene and leaves the table.
But of course, later Bret goes to find KJ to see if she's "OK" (translation: Bret has a hard-on) and finds her packing her bags. Bret gives her a hug and her head is right in his crotch. He comments that he doesn't know KJ at all...what?? Didn't she spend the night in his room on the last ep? Well, I guess that means they didn't necessarily talk, so what do I know?
The next day, Megan and J-Simp get all skanked up for their date with Bret and he takes them to Ed Hardy to buy overpriced tees and trucker hats and have some pierced dude do a "couture custom cutting" on the shirts for them. Megan interviews that J-Simp is overwhelmed and excited and calls her pathetic. I guess being excited about shopping isn't nearly as pathetic as being unable to memorize one sentence for a hula hooping act. At lunch (which wasn't set up in the store!) Bret again encourages the girls to slag on each other and it's revealed that Tank threw her weight around (hee hee!) with Golden Girl Joan. Bret is pissed about that and I think we can see where elimination is going tonight.
And thank god it's time for elimination. Bret is wearing that godforsaken "American Outlaw" airbrushed cowboy hat again from last season. He starts handing out passes and votes off...The Rock? Hey, when did he show up?? Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bye, Inna.
So KJ stays around for another week and at this point it's obvious that Bret has a major bonor for her. Destiney says, "I wish that skank would leave." (Translation: I wish that skank would play doctor with me.)
Next week: the girls become oiled-up video hoes, and Amber starts cockfighting Destiney for KJ.