RoL2.6: Pigs and pokes

Fuck the Oscars...I have nothing to say about that boring shit (except that John Travolta needs to be put to sleep immediately). I may have even fallen asleep, but I don't remember it was just one big blur of blather.

So on with my usual 'round the clock Rock of Love coverage.

When we left off last week, Bret kept all the skanks around for another week to give them all a chance to prove themselves to him again and win Bret Dates. Bret wakes all the girls up the next morning and informs them that he "needs a girl who can ride in the wild." If that's what he wants, he should take a look at Kristy Joe without makeup on. Girlfriend looks like she just stumbled off a rough week of moneymakin' in Bangkok.

It turns out the wild that Bret's talking about is actually the burbs and the gang is limoed out to a farm. Bret greets them then announces a special guest as "a woman of stature and insanity." It's none other than Rodeo! She charges up on a horse cackling manically the whole way. Oh, how I missed Rodeo! The new crop of skanks have nothing on Rodeo and crew.

Anyway, Rodeo announces that the gals will be participating in a "rodeo relay" and her explanation of the game is really confusing but it has something to do with riding horses, roping a bale of hay and grabbing bandannas off of greased pigs. Catherine, who looks cute as pie in her pigtails and cowgirl boots, is stoked because she's an experienced rider who has barrel raced her whole life. Finally, Catherine thinks she's finally going to get a date with Bret (foreshadowing!).

Catherine lucks out because Hulk Hogan shows up and she chooses him to be on her team! Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bitchy Megan is chosen last and chalks it up to the girls being jealous. "They don't know what it's like going through life hot," she opines. When men are intimidated by you and women hate you, it's a lonely, lonely life. Too bad Megan had to leave her lucrative modeling career behind and resort to reality television to find a man. As Nazareth once said, "Some fools fool themselves I guess."

The competition is close and it all comes down to the final challenge of greased pig wrestling. Alexis Arquette interviews, "These pigs went to college because they are a lot smarter than they look." I don't know, Lexi, they look pretty smart to me. Comparitively, of course. The little piggies are also very cute and they race around their pen, giving the brain surgeons a run for their money. At the last minute, Jessica (who?) grabs the final bandanna and wins it all for Ambre's team. Catherine is devestated. She says she feels like she's on death row and is inconsolable. Get over it, Cath...you're a total MILF. Bret can't deal with people his own age, so get out while you can.

After making a series of horrible greased pig jokes, Bret announces that Jessica is the MVP and will get a solo date the following evening. But first, he's taking Ambre, Destiney and Kristy Joe out to dinner. In the dark! This restaurant, called Opaque, features dining in complete darkness. Even the servers are blind. Oh my god, I saw this on CSI! It actually looks like something I wouldn't mind trying out with the RockitKing, if you know what I'm sayin'.

First we get to see what the gang is experiencing with a blank screen and the sound of Ambre yakking away endlessy. Then, thanks to a Buffalo Bill night vision view, we get to see what Bret is experiencing, which is a total porno makeout session with Kristy Joe. She's sucking on his finger, she's gnawing on his neck, she's karate chopping his peepee. Once again, I wonder what happened to the germ phobia she was so vehement about on the first ep.

To further the spread of germs, when Kristy Joe and Destiney go to the bathroom, Ambre scooches right over and starts making out with Bret herself. Yucky! To make it worse, she says, "All I'm thinking is, 'I hope this is Bret I'm kissing!'" Tee hee! Good timing, dumbass. A minute sooner and you would have realized what was happening while you were telling your life story. Come to think of it, a bitch fight in the dark would have been hilarious. Bret's assessment of the whole thing is that he "got to meet the girls a much different levels."

When we return to Skank Manor we get to see Michael Clarke Duncan wearing a bikini—what the fuck?? Oh wait, that's Inna. Sorry. The mood is tense around the house when Bret takes Kristy Joe to his room and locks the door. He interviews that Kristy Joe is crazy and it turns him on. What is up with Bret's thing for crazy chicks? They should have just sent Bret to a women's mental institution and let him have at it. KJ finally leaves around 4:30 a.m. looking a bit disheveled if you know what I mean.

The next morning, Catherine signs her own death warrant by deciding to make her own date with Bret. She whips up some breakfast, dons a fetching leopard minidress and lipstick and takes a tray to Bret's room. Megan says Catherine is like "an old horse that you have to shoot or something"—what is she, four? Catherine pounds on Bret's door and of course Bret is snoozing away. She wakes him up and you think he's going to be pissed, but he actually seems to appreciate it and Catherine gets to make out with Bret a little bit. God, I think I'm starting to develop a germ phobia watching all this spit swapping...

In the meantime, Jessica is all ready for her solo date and she totally reminds me of Jessica Simpson, complete with the virgin/whore persona and vacant expression. She and Bret are driven to a paintball park and as they are target practicing, Bret's gun jams. Jess says, "I know what will work" and surprises him with some tongue action. I have to admit, it was a pretty smooth move and of course, Bret loves it.

The pair plays against Security Goon Big John, who we find out was a Marine who served in Somolia and Desert Storm, and then have lunch in the middle of the paintball field. Nothing really exciting happens, but I'm once again fascinated by the romantic lunch/dinner tables that always are always set up in the middle of fields or on race tracks or in lingerie stores. Jess says, "There's nothing quite like making out in a field full of paint and guns and sweat" and then tells Bret she wants him to "throw me on the bed and ravish me." Bret is giddy that Jessica's sweet exterior is melting away to expose her inner tramp.

Back at Bret's Brothel, Megan and Alexis Arquette grab lawn chairs and camp out at Bret's door wearing bikinis. Alexis says she hopes Bret hasn't forgotten about her, and of course he hasn't...she's the one with the Adam's apple. Bret returns and it's mercifully time for the elimination ceremony. Hurley from Lost is standing in the lineup wearing nude lipstick and black paint on his eyelids. Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bret calls her his "Ukranian love tank" and I'm sure she took that as a compliment, but I'll bet he keeps passing her through because he's afraid she'll squeeze his head like a zit until it pops.

Kristy Joe also makes it through again, which is no surprise, and Destiney interviews that KJ is stealing all her time with Bret and "I want to see her die." Aww, someone has a girl crush!

In another not-at-all-surprising move, Bret lets Catherine and Peyton go. I'm sorry, but Catherine is a total babe. If she did something about the feathered bangs she'd be the hottest chick in the house. Peyton may have been kinda cool, but I couldn't get the Amy Madigan thing out of my head, so I'm sort of glad to see her go. Youth reigns once again.

Next week: the gals strip for veterans and Destiney's lesbo crush on Kristy Joe hits a fever pitch.

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