5/01/2008

Viva Sambora!

In case you've been waiting with baited breath wondering what happened on the last few eps of RoL because I wasn't here to tell you, Ambre "won." Yes, Bret found love with Three's Company replacement bimbo Jenilee Harrison. I think she might have also been on She's the Sherriff, but I'm not sure.

So that means we can kiss the life-ruining phenomenon that is RoL goodbye, right?

Wrong!

Word on the street is that Rock of Love 3 is in the works with none other than Bon Jovi axeman Richie Sambora as the new rock star bachelor! While it's not so hard to believe that someone who made a sex tape with hep C factory Pam Anderson would go on a VH1 dating reality show, I find it blasphemous that a man once married to foxy Heather Locklear (and not that long ago, I might add) would. Just a year ago he was snorting coke off of Denise Richards' butt on the beach, right? I mean, does this guy really need to stoop to reality TV to find a skank to go out with? Lohan's available!

I had a friend in junior high who was completely obsessed with Richie Sambora. This was around the same time that I was convinced I was someday going to marry Duff McKagan of Guns N' Roses. So basically we spent most of our time trading posters from the Metal Edge Bass Aces and Guitar Greats special issues and setting our VCRs to tape the World Premiere GN'R and Bon Jovi videos on MTV. And I didn't even HAVE MTV. I had to call her up and remind her to tape the GN'R premieres for me. Remember the "Wanted Dead or Alive" video? Oh, and when the "Patience" video came out and it had Axl stomping on that neon light-up phone in it? Man, those were the days! It was such a huge treat when your favorite video would come on—we'd sometimes wait all day just to catch a repeat of it. You think people do that for Fall Out Boy? If so, NOT COOL.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with the item at hand.

Another sign of the times is the pitiful mugshot that Richie produced a few weeks back when he was arrested for DUI. His hair looked like one of the people in the after pictures on those Faces of Meth posters. It's not even fun to make fun of. I mean look at that picture above—how did he go from that to being the husband of Heather Locklear to that fucking mugshot? God!

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think Richie would make a very good candidate for RoL anyway. He seems kind of boring. You never really heard anything sordid about Bon Jovi, either. With Poison, you had all kinds of groupie action and infighting and coke freakouts. With Bon Jovi, all you have is Jon, who has been with his wife for, like, 30 years. The only exciting thing Richie has ever done is make the "wow wow" background sound effects on "Livin' on a Prayer." Big whoop.

If they're looking for drama, the VH1 producers need to look elsewhere. How about David Lee Roth? Now that would be some good, motherfuckin' crazy-ass TV! Or how about Rick Allen of Def Leppard? He's got one arm and he's a drummer AND he beats up his girlfriends.

Frankly, the dream candidate would be Axl. If they got Axl to be the next rock bachelor, the ratings would beat out the Super Bowl, Roots, the final episode of M*A*S*H, and the OJ verdict combined. With that special kind of crazy that only Axl can bring, I can just imagine the "challenges" that would go down on that series. Each and every decision would have to be first run by Axl's psychic. The girls would have to write new racist lyrics to "One in a Million." The penalty for entering Axl's bedroom without an invitation would be death. He'd bring in Erin Everly on the "exes" episode. The "winner" would be the girl that drove him to frightening, destructive tantrums the least.

The show would also be the perfect tie-in vehicle for Axl to release the long-awaited Chinese Democracy album. I actually heard it...I'm not kidding. GN'R released it for 30 minutes on some website and a friend of mine managed to download all of the songs but two. Everything I heard was beyond badass, too. An album 13 years in the making has disaster written all over it, but if he would just suck it up and release the songs that I heard, it would blow people away. People might even forgive him for the cornrows.

I just remembered another junior high story: once in my English class we had to write an essay on the thing we want most in the world and why and then read it in front of the class. Everyone was saying things like Fort Knox or a four-wheeler or for school to only be one day a week. Then Tina Smith got up and said three words: "Jon Bon Jovi" and sat back down. No explaination. It was awesome and Tina Smith instantly became my hero. You know each and every person in that class wished they had to balls to say Jon Bon Jovi. And you know they all wanted to!

1 comment:

Viola Swamp said...

Good! Even if it's super boring, maybe the people at VH1 can spend their downtime this season hunting for some new talent. I would pay the extra money for real cable if they could get Axl next season. Hell, I don't even know WHAT I'd do if they could get Axl. Probably get some implants, audition for the show, and try to convince him to reverse the plastic surgery. And maybe de-bulk till he gets back to how he looked in the Welcome to the Jungle video. He's one of those people that drug use and weeks without food just look good on. Mmmmmmmmm.