Bizarro World Pete n' Kate

This is my very favorite picture of Amy Winehouse. Doesn't she look like such a wonderful junked-out truck stop waitress here? And what exactly is she doing? She's balancing a Barq's root beer on a styrofoam food container while at the same time poised like she's Michigan J. Frog and she's about to launch into some kind of meth-fueled tap routine to "Hello My Baby". A totally gay reference, to be sure, but it's so appropriate for the mystery wrapped in an enigma that is Amy Winehouse. Every time I see a picture of her and her gigantic rat's nest of hair I grow more and more confused. Do I love her? Do I fear her? Do I care or not? I guess I do, because why can't I look away?

Well, it's hard to miss that and those GG Allin-lite prison tattoos. And the missing tooth. And the anorexia. And the manic depression. The physical assaults. The batwing eyeliner. The Ronettes copping. I love her! No, wait...she's terrifying. I'm scared! And fascinated...I think I need to make a list to sort out my feelings once and for all.

Reasons I Love Amy Winehouse:
• She heckled Bono, screaming "'Shut up! I don't give a fuck!" while he made a presumably pretentious acceptance speech at an awards show. Hells yeah! Shut your pie hole, Bono!
• She punched her husband and a fan in a drunken rage.
• She often seems to be in a drunken rage.
• The headline: Winehouse In Vomit Shocker.
• She said, “I drink a LOT and sometimes I forget to eat.”
• She pushed her husband into a hedge.

Reasons I Fear Amy Winehouse:
• She weighs 90 pounds and she could probably snap me in half.
• She's friends with Kelly Osborne and they call themselves "Team Evil" when they hang out.

My Favorite Thing About Amy Winehouse:
• Her relationship with "Blake Fielder-Civil". Not only does Blake have the chaviest name in the whole world, he's always wearing filthy tank tops, fedoras and scars and bruises from Amy kicking his ass. They are the Bizarro World Pete and Kate! He's the Kate and she's the Pete. Black is white, up is down, Lohan is adopting orphans and Angelina's got her face on the toilet.

Amy allegedly started carving "I Love Blake" into her belly during an interview with Spin Magazine. Blake F-C then said to the writer, "Tell the guy who looks like he has leukemia I'm going to slit his throat." It's official: I love them! Allegedly, they don't get along with Pete and Kate, and I hope they make an effort to bury the hatchet and start hanging out. Imagine the fun! It doesn't make any sense to battle when they could be double-dipping into each other's supplies. That's not what I mean, perv! I meant drugs...DRUGS! They can share crack. And Amy can also give that fatass Kate some much-needed weightloss tips.

No one cures the summertime blues like Bret Michaels!

No-lifers like myself get very depressed over incredibly stupid things. For example, the conclusion of Celebrity Fit Club. Not only is the fact that it's over bringing me down, but the fact that no one beat the snot out of Dustin Diamond is furthering my disappointment. Dude has totally resurrected his career, though. Instead of simply grossing everyone out with his totally-not-at-all-purposely-leaked sex tape, and doing whatever he can to get the word out about his (allegedly) huge ween, he's gone the rather shrewd route of making himself over into a reality TV villian. It's actually pretty impressive.

I love Celebrity Fit Club anyway because it makes me think very seriously about getting up off the couch, putting away the Funyons and taking a little walk (and in my world, thinking seriously = doing), but the added bonus of some crazy makes the show just that much more enjoyable. Usually, there's a pain pill addict or two and a couple other celebs making lame excuses for not reaching their target weight loss, and at least one or two good screamfests from Harvey the Drill Sergeant or a lecture from Dr. Ian. But this season took the cake on weirdness and drama, thanks to Screetch. The elementary fight-picking, the blatant fat ingesting, the bizarre "theories"...we knew Screetch was an annoying jerkoff, but who knew he was a complete sociopath, capable of eating a live baby to get a reaction?

Now that it's over, what do I have to live for? Well, a couple upcoming "Celebriality" vehicles look promising. First off, we have Scott Baio is 45 & Single, which is all kinds of genius based on Baio's involvement alone. But I'm thinking this could go either way. If Baio is a big diva, it might be pretty good. And if they reunite him with former Charles in Charge castmate-turned-Biblethumper Willie Ames it could be pure gold. Bibleman was good for a few stompy fits on Fit Club, so maybe he could show up to give Scotty some morality lectures and force him to see that he can't love another until he loves himself. Valuable lesson-learning abounds. Yawn. Who am I kidding? There's no way this shit is gonna be good.

Now, the one I'm really looking forward to is Rock of Love, where Bret Michaels of Poison tries to find a bitch to love, Flav-style. If the needy skanks on the commercials, or Bret's never-ending parade of cowboy hats with hair attached aren't enough to convince you, check this out: "Each week, Bret will design challenges to test the girls' ability to adapt to the true rock 'n roll life. Not always red carpets and award shows, who will best adapt to life in a cramped, grungy tour bus with Bret and his roadie buddies? Who can handle the competition from outrageous, and sometimes hotter groupies? Who can keep her cool around his famous friends? Who can best contribute to his music? Who's not afraid to get down and dirty with him in one of his extreme sports competitions. And perhaps most vital, who will always look smokin' hot doing it?"

I think we found a winner! Let's predict what will happen, just for fun:
-Lots of bump n' grind and "Woooo!" on the first ep
-Bret weeds out some ladies he believes are not in it for "the right reasons"
-Bret gets drunk and acts like an asshole and kicks some chick out for getting drunk and acting like an asshole on the same episode
-A visit from Rikki, Bobby and CC within the first three eps
-Mud wrestling
-Someone says that she's wanted to be a groupie ever since she was a little girl and WILL DO ANYTHING TO WIN
-Steven Adler cameo
-Vince Neil cameo
-The final two are the Sweet One and the Bitchy Skank and Sweetie is the "surprise" winner

So maybe I'm not being too creative here. Give me a break. I have just had a weekend that involved rock, lemon shake-ups, too much booze and food poisoning. My brain is fried. Not like any of this will help, but it will at least keep me occupied until Dustin Diamond shows up on The Surreal Life. You know it's coming!

The reign of terror continues

CRABB Newsletter, Vol. 2, Issue 2
Due to recent events, we here at the Committee to Rescue Britney's Boys (CRABB) are once again reaching a point of critical concern, and we have recently called an emergency meeting to discuss Britney Spears' mental status and, thus, the safety and well-being of Sean Preston and Jayden James.

In the last few weeks, Britty has:
• exposed her crotch, ass, and/or nipple at least five times.
• appeared in public with her dress on backwards and tags hanging off of her bra, like a skank Minnie Pearl.
• claimed she didn't know she was paying for expensive dinners.
• posted the following crackhead message on her offical website:
Britney is asking her most die-hard fans for some assistance in order to name her upcoming album.
Possible Album Titles:
1. Omg is Like Lindsay Lohan Like Okay Like
2. What if the Joke is on You
3. Down boy
4. Integrity
5. Dignity

Yikes. Yeah, you can see why a SWAT team might be necessary. All week I was waiting to hear that some evil genius with too much time on his/her hands hacked into Britney's shitty website and posted these title ideas as a joke. If you can comprehend that they are all too real, you can understand the magnitude of plant-like logic and reason we are dealing with.

So what can we do? Let's look to the Department of Homeland Security for Guidence. While a Britney Preparedness Kit is kind of pushing it, we felt that a Terror Alert Chart would be a good way for our members to keep track of Brit-Brit's potential to crack. Thus, we can proceed with the suggested courses of action to protect the two innocent victims trapped in the claws of abject stupidity. Please print, cut out and post on the fridge:

Britney Terror Alert Chart

LOW

Locked away safely from the rest of humanity. Sean Preston and Jayden James living happy, normal-ish life.

GUARDED

General stupidity, such as bad outfits and dumbass quotes; prolonged beach trips. SP and JJ experience limited contact with mom, still somewhat safe in care of nanny.

ELEVATED

Significant risk of crotch exposure, threats of a comeback that include actual trips to dance and/or recording studio, new tattoos, hair color change and/or shitty extensions, shopping with random skank cousin. SP and JJ must be constantly supervised by multiple nannies.

HIGH

Rambling message to "fans" on official website, poetry, promises for "my side of the story," elevated nightclub presence, Vegas. SP and JJ safer with Federline.

SEVERE

Jesus Christ, she's got the scissors! Severe risk of meltdown, arrest, OD and/or intervention. Approve adoption of SP and JJ by Angelina Jolie.

Sort of akin to speculation that Suri Cruise is a Scientology-funded, Manchurian Candidate-style killbot, we think something's up with little JJ and that is why we never see him out and about like we do SP. Our theory is that JJ has fetal alcohol syndrome. Think about it. We here at CRABB can't honestly believe that Brit could possibly stop crunking during pregnancy. She lucked out with SP, who displays no outward appearance of "issues", so she figured she could continue being a big girl who does whatever she wants while pregs with JJ. Oopsie! While we certainly hope this isn't the case, it's quite likely, but slightly less likely than the possibility that Brit simply likes SP better. Maybe he is less needy or something. Who knows? All we can say for sure is that the truth is out there and one of these days we're going to read about it in a kick-ass tell-all.

Per Brit's request we've also developed some title ideas for her "upcoming" "album". We kindly ask her to consider the following:
• OMG Like I'm Stupid Beyond Comprehension Like
• Spend Your Allowance on Me and the Joke's On You
• Down Boy, Mommy's Trying to Light Her Lucky
• Into Gritty, Y'all
• Fuck Dignity, Here's a Birds-Eye View of My Cooch

Please, everyone, be on the alert. Brit is on the verge of a breakdown of Jacko-by-way-of-Jan-Michael-Vincent size proportions. Keep your eye on the prize and lets get the Peanuts out of there!

Ethnic cleansing is funny!

OK, no it's not, but just bear with me.

First of all, though, I have to say that I'm a little worried about the Pope. I usually am when he takes the Popemobile without the bulletproof glass bubble on it. Luckily, the rogue lunger seems to have only been seeking attention and not Benny's head on a stick. Another crisis averted. But Benny needs to be more careful. Obviously, he can't rely on the Swiss guards, who simply stand around looking pretty all the time.

One thing we can rely on is Bob From Accounting to bring the funny. (Aside: Yes, that may have been my worst segue ever, but I just didn't feel right about doing a Pope-to-genocide transition because I have a soft spot for anything Rome-related. And because it's really just kind of wrong in general. Ow, my heart just started bleeding...) Anyway, this list comes to my attention courtesy my fun, fab girl Lola: presenting the 2006 Ethnic Cleansing Awards for the worst and most annoying newsmakers of the year! You might think it's quite harsh to wish such a serious fate on someone just because they play poker on television, and Bob explains "more realistically we want them vanquished, banished and never heard from again", which I think is reasonable.

There are 20 losers on the list, all accompanied by appropriately snarky commentary and ridicule, which I know you all will appreciate. Here are just a few that I particularly agreed with. Go ahead and have your say, too, and don't feel bad about it. Eradication is sometimes completely necessary.

People still making Brokeback Mountain jokes/People still quoting Napoleon Dynamite
While we can be sure that "I wish I could quit you" will go down as one of the most legendary movie quotes of the last few years, it certainly will not rise to the status of "Tomorrow is another day" or "Here's lookin' at you kid" or even "No more yanky my wanky; the Donger needs food." Same goes for Napoleon. I liked the movie, I thought it was funny, but good lord am I sick of seeing Pedro everywhere. He was on Top Model for god sakes! He's the new Haley Joel Osmet.

Plagerists, hack writers and the people who pay them
I probably fit into this category, so I completely understand the irony, but the entry notes James Frey, OJ, and chick-lit whore Kaavya Viswanathan as figurehead offenders. If these douches can get book deals, surely I can expand on my black metal research and Britney views and score a New York Times bestseller. Where's Oprah? Stupid & Contagious is inspirational! The blog itself is a random act of kindness! I'll even get in my pajamas and eat Baked Lays with her, Gayle and the audience while we dish about the Count! It will be a ratings bonanza!

The cast and crew of "To Catch A Predator"
Yes! I've been meaning to write about this one for a while. This is one of the best shows on television. Nothing beats seeing a middle-aged perv show up at a house for sex with a 13-year-old only to get grilled by Chris Hansen and then tackled by a cop disguised as a bush. I love the tarty little actress they get to impersonate the teen: (high-pitched flirtatious voice) "I made some frozen lemonade! It's yummy! So do you have any ideas for tonight?" and I love that Hansen is changing up his repitoire with funny quotes: (mockingly) "Can I have a hug? Why don't you have a seat right there." The reason this gem made the list is that the "internet watchdog" group that trolls for the deviants talks a pretty good game to lure people over to their trap house. They're pervs, too! They talk dirty and send nude pics like pros. Sure, it's a total bait-and-switch, but if it means we get to see creepy pedos exposed, lectured by Chris Hansen and then dive-bombed by a SWAT team, I'm all for it.

Conspiracy theorists
Lately I've been kind of "into" this morbidly fascinating subgenre of humanity and my favorite examples are Derek and Sharon Gilbert of the Peering Into Darkness podcast. Seriously, you've got to listen to these two. Did you know that everything is connected? Nothing happens by chance! People are being brainwashed by the government to take over and destroy innocent churchgoers at the flick of a switch. The FDA is controlling our food and vitamin intake. The Bible prophesized 9/11. The media hides or supresses news stories about aliens so we won't know what's really going on. Those little clouds you see coming from the back of jets that streak the sky? Chem trails. It's POISON and THEY are trying to kill us all! As usual, who "they" are isn't exactly clear: the government, the Catholic church, the Bilderberg Group, Satan worshippers performing ritual sacrifice (their favorite target, which is so '89). It's pretty much everyone, and Derek and Sharon say that if you don't believe you're simply naive and not paying attention. Hilarious! If it's all true, I'd love to know how it's being pulled off. People can't even organize a PTA potluck without it spiraling into chaos. Anyway, I'm going to save this topic for another post because it's really just too funny.

So there you have it: a tantalizing teaser list of the 20 people that really need to die. My only disappointment: no Wentz. I recently read that he opened some stupid emo bar in Chicago and provocatively announced that sex in the restrooms will be allowed under his watch. Klassy. If he and Ashlee Simpson are mucking up the stalls, he better have a hazmat team on staff to immediately clean that shit up. I'm thinking maybe we should call the health department, or a bio lab to do some testing for newly created STDs. Or an exorcist.