Time to turn that frown upside down!

I've been a little blue this week for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the final episode of RoL. I'm utterly depressed over all the time and energy I've put into obsessively blathering about this show. Any normal person would say, "Fuck posting synopses of the rest of the episodes. I have other things to do and need to move on to other projects." But not me. I'm like a mental patient.

Here's more proof. I can't stop giggling because I thought I'd entertain myself by making fun of Immortal a little bit. Somehow I got the idea in my head that it would be hilarious if there was a Tiger Beat or Bop or Tutti Frutti some other teen mag special issue dedicated to black metal. I don't have Photoshop, so you'll just have to imagine a collage of super-sexxy black metal babes in full makeup, spiked shinplates and Horgh-style leather gutguards next to teaser lines like:

Awesome 6-page Snap-Out Scrapbook!
Sizzling Super-Centerfolds!
Abbath Answers Your Most Intimate Questions!
BM's New Hot Hunks!
Horgh's Date Do-and-Don't Secrets...Shh! Don't Tell!

What would one of those articles be like?

7 Things You Didn't Know About Horgh!
OK, here's whatcha DON'T know about frizzy-haired, crazy-eyed cutie Horgh! He's 37 years old. He lives in Norway. He has black hair. And he rilly, RILLY hopes you like the new Immortal album Damned in Black! That's the kind of guy Horgh is...the kind that cares what YOU think. Got it? Now here are 7 things you DON'T know about Horgh!
1. Horgh's middle name is Dorcas!
2. Off the stage, he's into billiards...and bowling!
3. His showbiz friends include Infernus, Destructhor, Nocturno Culto and Amy Winehouse!
4. He was secretly embarrassed of the "Call of the Wintermoon" video!
5. Horgh's favorite shows are World's Wildest Police Chases, Survivor and Everybody Loves Raymond!
6. Horgh changes the message on his voice mail every day!
7. He reads all the fan letters you write him!

I can't help picking on Horgh, because he's the fat one. And, OMG, his b-day is totally the same day as mine!! Killer!

Frankly, it's getting a little boring making fun of black metal. I need more inspiration. Where is Until the Light Takes Us?, the black metal documetary that was allegedly coming out in "late 2007"? According to their official page (which is, of course, a Myspace page) "Peter Travis" of Rolling Stone has reviewed the movie, calling it "a nonstop roller-coaster ride of adrenaline fueled action!" Hmm, suspicious. I've never heard of this Peter Travis, great and powerful reviewist from formerly cool rock mag. Perhaps they mean Peter TRAVERS? Strike one.

The filmmakers have also released another hellishly boring clip from the movie, this time of Darkthrone member Fenriz talking on the phone. Big fucking whoop. First we get a jailhouse interview with the fucking Count, and it turns out to a snoozefest. How can anyone possibly interview the Count and not come out with anything good? The guy wore Swiss Miss pigtails to his murder trial. Strike two. Directors of Until the Light Takes Us, I have little faith.

We don't need anymore wuss directors taking on these projects that they can't follow through on. Here's another example.

This documentary features black metal vocalist Gaahl, who is a big huge meanie. His home in Espedal, Norway, looks like Appalachia only far more depressing. It's a place where it can rain for 70+ days straight. He went to school with only one other student his whole life, a student that committed suicide at 18. Everyone in town is afraid of him and refuses to comment on him, and only one journalist will make a statement, but under the condition that his face is blurred out. He obviously fancies himself some sort of Count Dracula-like master of the dark who swoops through the town and sucks the blood out of children and defiles innocent virgins as they sleep.

So the subject matter is ripe. But this film crew blows it. Or more accurately, they blow Gaahl. A good five minutes of the doc are wasted on too-long shots of Gaahl trying to look creepy and intellectual and focusing on the filmmakers whining about the "project" being in "jeopardy" because Gaahl makes them climb a mountain to see the shack where his grandparents lived. It's worse than Celebrity Fit Club. Quit your whining and give the people what they want: freaks saying freaky things. Well, maybe that's now what all the people want.

Anyway, if it's what YOU want: check out the doc here:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Come on, jackoffs. Ask the right questions and stop the whining. We want to know what Gaahl's favorite color is and hear him describe his perfect date!

Sorry for all the confusion re: BabyRockit!

Just to clarify, I'm not literally an Auntie! But I do have a namesake. My fabulous childhood pal has spawned and since we practically sisters, I am Auntie RockitQueen. Someday, I'm going to teach the baby all about the history of Norwegian black metal. Maybe we can dress her up as Abbath or Horgh for Halloween! How precious!

And as a follow up to my last post...guess who was one of the first 100 people to order!!!!!

Interrupting 'round-the-clock RoL coverage to bring you an important Eric Avery announcement!!

Not only did I become an Auntie today, but Eric Avery's first solo album Help Wanted has also unleashed at last! My copy is en route (and the first 100 people who ordered are supposed to get an autographed copy, so cross your fingers for me!) and the two songs I have heard from it so far are BADASS. Buy it now!

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming, which is not in progress but will be soon enough.

RoL2.9: The positively true adventures of an aging, strident stripper spy

Guess who's back...back again. Shady's back, tell a friend.

And Shady = our favorite aging, strident stripper and last season's love loser ASHeather! This oughta be good.

So the show kicks off with Bret continuing his role as Ed Hardy's personal hand jobbist. Did Bret buy the whole fucking store or what? But he's not there to pontificate on douchey rock fashion, he wants to introduce the skanks to some very special guests—their EXES! In walks Destiney's surprisingly preppy ex-hubby, J-Simp and Megan's fratish former bfs, Ambre's somewhat nerdy friend and...Nikki Sixx, but not quite! Who knew he and Alexis Arquette had been an item? And who knew he was so emo? I don't care for it, but I am looking forward to possible hair metal fisticuffs between him and Bret.

Also, too bad Kristy Joe didn't stick around for this! Especially after she just dumped her husband over the phone for Bret! Ah, what could have been...

Anyway, Bret also announces that one of his "exes" is also there...and big shockeroo, it's ASHeather. To my delight, Bret explains that he's going to hang with the guys to get dirt on the skanks while ASHeather beats deep, dark secrets out of the hos. For a second I think that Bret is going to add ASHeather back into the competition, a la New York on Flavor of Love. But it looks as if she's simply there to act bitchy and intimidate people. Which is good enough for me!

ASHeather gets the party off predictably. Within seconds the Whore House is alive with the sound of floosies. The gals start doing body shots, ripping their tops off, making out, etc., ad nauseum. Jesus, just pull out the double dongs already.

The boys' gathering is far less sordid...and far, far less interesting. Bret awkwardly starts quizzing the guys about their former sweeties and the "juicy tidbits" they reveal are more like juiceless statements that could be made about anyone. I'm completely fascinated that this stodgy dude that looks like he should be named Wilhelm J. Buffington III and wearing an ascot was married to a wild n' trashy hobag like Destiney. Also, Nikki Sevven is wearing a freaking porkpie hat that looks like it says "Ed Grimley" or something on it.

This is boring, so let's get back to the good stuff. Back at Whore Mansion, ASHeather is urging the skanks to tell her who they hate most and then oh-so-casually mentions that Megan looks familiar. Bomb drop! Megan was a contestant on Beauty and the Geek! What's a girl to do upon hearing news like this? Why, play truth or dare in the hot tub, of course! At least, that's what ASHeather would do...Destiney would just do a naked cartwheel. I wonder if she ever did that for Thurstin Howell Astin Martin man.

Then, out of nowhere Alexis starts having some kind of motor skill malfunction. She is blubbering and crying and doing these weird rapper-ish hand gestures. What could be the problem, Alexis? Either she's drunk or she's upset because she hasn't been entirely truthful with Bret. Come now, Alexis, sit on Auntie ASHeather's lap and tell her what's the matter. I know it's gotta be hard to tell Bret that you have a penis. Anyway, she starts lamenting to Heather about Nikki Sevven and their relationship and blah, blah, blah. And, oh, she reveals that she still lives with her ex. In a one bedroom apartment. But they haven't "done anything" in two years. Hold the phone, Slutterella! Now we're talking with some juice! Meanwhile, ASHeather looks exactly like the Texas cheerleader murdering mom. Actually, she looks more like Verna Heath, the Texas cheerleader murdering mom's intended victim. But she is so totally the Wanda Holloway in this made-for-TV drama.

Elsewhere in the house, our little J-Simp seems to have had a bit too much to drink. Actually, she's wandering around the house in a gold bikini completely smashed out of her gourd. She screams and cries and hugs people and stuffs food in her face and then...YES! We finally have vomit! The other girls carry J-Simp up to bed and she limply falls into the sack, then suddenly and jumps up and tackles ASHeather in a particularly violent drunk hug. When Bret arrives, she accosts him and pushes her smeared, mascara-stained face into his and blows puke breath all over him. So it's just a regular night for Bret.

Bret grabs ASHeather to find out the results of her super-sleuthing. Megan may be a big media ho, but at least she's got a great rack, she says. And J-Simp is so young. And Destiney seems to be a total rock cock groupie. And she's not so sure about Alexis because she's still getting regular Dutch ovens from Nikki Sevven. Record-scratching sound! Bret voiceovers that he was blindsighted by that revelation. When he confronts them about it, Sevven assures Bret that they are not together and he is totally fine with him sticking his dick in Alexis. Great! Glad that's all settled.

Out by the pool, Megan is in tears and tells Ambre that she's hurt because her ex showed up wearing a t-shirt with the name of his bar on it and told her he only came on the show to get free advertising. How could he do this to her? And how stupid can she be to tell Ambre this? Because naturally she runs directly to Bret and squeals. Bret "tries" to ask Megan if she still has feelings for her ex, but it instead devolves into a repeat of last week when Meg just palms his head and they start tongue wrestling. Zzzzzzzz.

Thank god it's time for elimination. Amber interviews that she's feeling pretty confident because she didn't throw up, she's not a stripper and she doesn't live with her ex-boyfriend. Of course, she makes it through, as does Alexis, Destiney and J-Simp. That means Megan's out! She awkwardly stands staring at Bret and slowly shaking her head. Dude, it's not the fucking Kennedy assasination. I'm sure it's not the last time we'll see this chick on reality TV, mark my words.

Next week: Vegas, baby! With ASHeather! And bitchfights! And bitchslapping! And drinks thrown in people's faces!

RoL2.8: Sad trees and crazy mountains

Sorry, everyone. I'm fully aware that I completely suck. I would go on and on about how work has been hectic and how I just haven't been inspired to blog, but no one cares about all that. All you people want is RoL and I'm going to follow through with what I've started and bring that to you.

OK, maybe you don't care about that either. But whatevs, I'm still going to attempt to get in all of this season, too, because I'm totally anal retentive.

Anyway, let's have at it. It's workout time in the Whore House and Destiney is shown weakly pummeling a bag. But while some of the hoes are exercising, one is exercising her right to freedom. That's right: Kristy Joe calls up her hubby and tells him she wants to go through with a divorce. Over the phone. I would say that's quite the fuck you to this guy, but surely he knew she was coming on to this show and that no woman is impervious to the musky charms of Bret Michaels. Duh, what did he expect?

Next we see Bret wearing a tank top (musky!) and standing next to a bed displaying a cornocopia of slutty props and a rack of slutty Halloween costumes. Let's see: there's slutty schoolgirl, slutty nurse, slutty cowgirl, slutty nun, slutty linebacker, slutty prostitute. Let me guess...the girls are going to film a porno?

Close: they're going to be making music videos! The songs they are to animate are Bret's own, of course—"Go That Far" and "Fallen" ("Fallin'"?). I wonder if these songs are from either of his hit albums Broken Road or When Love Dances With the Devil? The skanks are introduced to Dean Karr, a music video director who has worked with Ozzy, Tool and Marilyn Manson and who will be giving them helpful guidance on the right angles to writhe at or something. He turns out to do pretty much nothing except paw at Alexis Arquette while she tries to film.

The gals are divided into two groups and Kristy Joe, Ambre and Megan are assigned the power ballad. Amber directs and KJ stars as a heartbroken Playmate who seems to have lost love or something. It's all stupid and involves a lot of forelorn looks and bad acting from KJ and Megan. But at least this group tries to create something resembling a storyline. The other team's original idea is to dress innocent-looking J-Simp in the slutty schoolgirl outfit and lure her into a seedy strip club where Destiney and Alexis Arquette turn her into a bad girl. Boobs fly everywhere and the stripper pole is greased appropriately. As a final innovation, they throw in a lesbo makeout scene for good measure.

So who do you think wins? Surprise! It's the creative team of Ambre, Megan and KJ! Ambre, as creative director, gets a very special solo Bret Date that he promises will be "very cool, very vibe-y", while the other two get their own little fantasy date the next day.

Now we come to my favorite part of this episode. The "cool, vibe-y" date that Bret alluded to is in his bedroom. Just when you think Ambre is in for some back-of-the-bus action, Bret introduces Satish Dhalakia, and "Eastern master healer" and oh my god, that's no random guy...Doug Henning's ghost has inhabited Yanni's body and is running around passing himself off as some kind of reiki guru!

Doug Yanni starts reading Ambre and Bret's tea leaves or something and tells them they have known each other for centuries. He tells them they need to become hollow bamboos so god can blow through them and I'll bet Bret's thinking he should have just taken her to Don Pablo's for margatini happy hour.

Also of note during this scene is that Ambre claims to be 32. She better be careful—if she lies while god is blowing through her bamboo then 30 disabled orphans will die.

Next we have what may amount to one of the dumbest moves ever made by a skank on this show (and we all know that's saying a lot). KJ gets the bright idea that she needs to tell Bret she's getting divorced RIGHT NOW and starts pounding on his door during his date with Ambre. Bret says that unless it's god or Security Goon Big John with a beer then he's not going to be happy. When he sees it's KJ, he looks pretty annoyed and then exacts the best revenge ever. Bret tells Doug Yanni that someone in this house needs their chakra cleaned up and that she is a "soul in turmoil" then pushes his Eastern healing off on KJ! Brilliant!

Doug Yanni makes KJ sit cross-legged on the floor and says, "Have you ever seen a sad tree? A frustrated ocean? A crazy mountain?" I swear, I'm not making this up. As all this is going on, Bret is making out with Ambre in his rock star love nest without a worry of another interruption from Kristy Joe.

But then something unexplainable happens. After all that effort to get rid of KJ, Bret calls her back to his room to "talk." Daisy, J-Simp and Destiney gather on the stairs outside Bret's room crying like they're at the gates of Graceland. There, there, girls. We know how much you all want to fuck Kristy Joe...

Speaking of which, the next day Bret takes KJ and Megan on a date at a super-fancy hotel restaurant and Megan decides to use the opportunity to show KJ—and the rest of the innocent patrons at the restaurant—that she's not a contender to take lightly. In full view of everyone, Meg climbs right over the lobster bisque and selection of cheeses and dates, straddles Bret and attempts to swallow him whole. Bret "gives in" and accepts her demon tongue into his gullet. Ever the party-pooper, KJ leaves the table and hangs out in the lounge until Megan is done consuming Bret's innards.

Back at the Whore House it's elimination time and KJ thinks she's going to get the ol' heave-ho because everyone thinks she's nuts. But tonight there is a twist, my friends. Indeed, it comes down to KJ and (surprisingly) Megan, who is still picking Bret's weave hairs from her teeth, but in a totally unexpected turn of events, Bret gives KJ the choice to stay or go. And holy shit, she chooses to GO, bitches! For the first time since RoL has been poisoning our airwaves, Bret Michaels gets the big ol' diss and actually looks defeated. He walks KJ out, kisses her goodbye, half-heartedly tells Megan she can stay and then retreats to his room without the usual Bret Beer toast! Holy SHIT, Bret's got a broken heart!

Damn, guess it wasn't just the girls that wanted to fuck KJ.

Next week: it's another blast from the past kids! Here's a hint: this one's got big hair, big boobs and an aging, strident attitude...