Astonishing panorama of the end times

The holidays are over, but in celebration of today's post, I've included a picture of Krampus. Just because it seemed fitting.

So I mentioned a while back that I sometimes listen to this conspiracy kook podcast called Peering Into Darkness. I do this purely for shits and giggles. The podcast is hosted by this intensely creepy couple named Derek and Sharon Gilbert, who somehow manage to function enough through their smothering paranoia to be both published authors and legitimate radio show hosts. In their spare time, they produce this little show from their home (or, as they refer to it, "The Bunker").

The topics of the day are those typical conspiracy tidbits—everything, no matter how small, means something. Favorite topics include prophecy, high-level government conspiracies, the apocalypse, the number 33, and "suspicious gas." Did you know the little white lines of smoke you see following jets in the sky are actually trails of chemicals that are slowly poisoning us into submission? Did you know that a gargoyle in the shape of Darth Vader sits on a wall of the Washington National Cathedral? (And do you know what that is supposed to suggest? Because I don't.) And most importantly, did you know that the U.S. government has placed brainwashed killbots all around the country who are poised and ready to blow our heads off on command?

Matthew Murray, Seung-Hui Cho and Robert Hawkins are just some recent examples of people Der and Shar postulate are "cult multiples," meaning they were kidnapped by the feds, made into Manchurian Candidates and then released back into the wild. Their subsequent shooting rampages were triggered by the push of a button to divert attention from larger, more nefarious goings-on in the world.

Every time some kind of violent tragedy hits the news, you can bet these two are on it. They just love to smugly announce how they're not surprised and how everyone is going to be sorry they weren't paying attention and how the Bilderberg Group is behind it and how cancer researchers are actually trying to GIVE people cancer and how the weather is being controlled and how we're totally on course for the apocalypse. One wonders how they manage to make it through a day, let alone hold down regular jobs. With all that on your mind, how can you possibly function?

Here's a picture of Derek and Sharon, because I'm sure you're dying to know what they look like. What, pray tell, is wrong with this image? Doesn't it look totally fake? First of all, Sharon is obviously Photoshopped into the picture. Secondly, she's colorized! And is it just me or is that beard the work of MacPaint? This picture seems to suggest that Derek and Sharon are not even real, but IMAGINITIVE FIGMENTS created by the government to infiltrate and destroy the Christian right! Unfortunately, reality is not nearly that sexy, and neither are Der and Shar...

Not that I care that much, but I'm sort of morbidly curious about how these two managed to find each other. I mean, could you imagine the first date convo?
Sharon:So what do you like to do for fun?
Derek: Hide in my basement and record myself babbling endlessly about large-scale government conspiracies.
Sharon: ME TOO!!!!!!

Feeding the paranoia and adding some of the most hilarious/crazed commentary is frequent guest Russ Dizdar. Russ runs a "spiritual warfare" ministry and is a freelance exorcist. That's right—when the devil's spinning your head around and causing you to coat the room with green pea soup, who ya gonna call? Russ!

What I love about Russ is that he's obviously suffering from delusional disorder, but Derek and Sharon hang on his every word as if he were God himself. He thinks everyone is out to get him personally and there is an underlying subculture of people hell-bent on putting a stop to his good works. Check out his website for more evidence (but only if you're not epileptic because all that shit on his page is enough to cause a seizure)—yowza. If anything, he's definitely wordy.

The recent Halloween episode of Peering Into Darkness featured Russ as a guest and it's especially hilarious. We get to learn all about the simple magic satanists can perform to fuck shit up. See, objects can be "charged" with good or bad energy and when you touch something that's been fused with bad energy, then the "lucifarians" get stronger and you will probably become possessed. Or something.

Bottom line: it's fucking absurd. But it sure is fun to listen to! Among other awesomeness in the Halloween ep, we learn:
• Every once in a while Derek and Sharon get something in the mail that they don't expect which they automatically assume is a demonized object meant to make them sick, corrupt or confused.
• There's no question that rituals work.
• Demons can come out of your mouth and they look like insects.
• Candy and trick-or-treating is a part of a large-scale stunt to get kids interested in Halloween and then lure them over to the dark side.
• Paganism is not cool.
• The earth knows it is subject to bondage (yeah, I didn't get it either).
• The more fake blood spilled in a movie, the more "highly charged" the movie is.
• Marilyn Manson manifested into a demon right before Russ's very eyes. Manson was also wearing a thong and Russ didn't want to touch him. Hm, methinks he doth protest too much....

Part of me wants to send Derek and Sharon some "ritualistic" object just to fuck with them. Or just any object, because obviously they think everything is loaded with nazi powers. How about a Gordon Little People figurine? Can you imagine what they would do if they opened a package and there was nothing in it but Gordon? One second Gordon's playfully swinging on the little tire swing of his Fisher Price™ Sesame Street® Clubhouse Playset...the next second he's telekinetically taking down humanity.

As for good and bad energy and charged objects and all that crap, why can't I keep my iPod charged? Does that mean the battery is shot? I wish someone would charge that. I can't be expected to go to the gym if I can't listen to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" on the elliptical.

Seriously, I'm not so naive as to believe that the U.S. government isn't hiding shit, but a worldwide bot conspiracy? Think about it: people can't even organize a birthday party or a fucking potluck without it spiraling into chaos. Who knows. Maybe they're right and I'll have to someday pay for making fun of them. But if I'm going to burn hell for this, at least let me get that stupid iPod charged so I can bring it along. I really want to listen to WHAM.

Quote of the day

From the Darkness on the Edge of Town podcast, 10/11 episode, from an interview with Denise Jones, whose son was the inspiration for the "I see dead people" kid from "The Sixth Sense"

Host: So your son has seen the Archangel Michael?
Denise: Yes, he has. [snip] He told me he was barefoot, he had a white cloth that was a little dirty wrapped around him, shoulder length dirty blonde hair and the hugest nose he said he had ever seen in his entire life.
Host: Are you sure he wasn't seeing Owen Wilson?

I'm OK, You're OK...Fuck it, we all suck

"Now you kids are probably saying to yourselves, "Hey, I'm gonna go out and GET THE WORLD BY THE TAIL and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in my pocket. Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably going to find, as you go out there, that you're not going to amount to JACK! SQUAT!"
—Matt Foley, motivational speaker

In the strangest-yet-oddly-creepy conincidence of this week, I discovered that my favorite person ever Eric Avery and I have been listening to the same podcast: The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe. How cool is that?? Anyway, I think it's also more evidence that great minds think alike because I was already preparing to blog about something that I heard on Skeptic's Guide and the resulting obsessive road it has sent me down—ragging on self help.

First, a quick word on the podcast: basically, Skeptic's Guide is a weekly roundtable discussion/snarkfest about pseudoscience, "intelligent design," psychics, and other nonsense from a scientist's point of view. Totally geeky and totally fun. I highly recommend it. Anyway, I found the August 8, 2005, ep particularly interesting, not only for the hilarious discussion about a "haunted" doll up for auction on eBay, but for the guest skeptic: Steve Salerno, author of "SHAM: How Self-Help Made America Helpless".

I bet you'll never believe that all that stuff that Tony Robbins spouts out about living up to your true potential and empowerment and how special and unique you are is really just a bunch of meaningless bullshit. Not convinced? If "The 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" worked the first time, then why do we also need about a zillion other versions of the book, CDs, DVDs, seminars, retreats, and other branded crap as follow-up?

Just for laffs, I thought I'd make fun of some of the more popular self-help gurus. Maybe we'll all learn a little something about ourselves and finally be able to tap into our personal inner pep squad, master our emotions and become the passionate, unbreakable go-getters we are all capable of being. And if you can't, well, then you just don't want it bad enough. Slacker.

Anne Warfield
One of my pet peeves is meaningless corporate-speak, and Anne represents "Impression Management Professionals", (see—even the name of the company is just a collection of nonsensical words), an organization that seems to be hell-bent on sucking the life out of the minds, motivation and self-esteem of as many office peons as possible. If you've ever had to sit through one of these stupid corporate seminars to learn how to "shatter resistance", "filter messages", "optimize presentation" and "communicate core ingredients", you know how these excruciating talks just make everyone feel more confused and lethargic about their jobs and life in general. Just looking at some of the seminar titles—Outcome Focus, Impression Management, Success Tools To Polish The Diamond Within You, ProGotiations (I wish I was making these up)—makes me want to stab myself in the throat with a ball-point pen. My advice is to start coughing now and develop a full-blown "cold" by the time the seminar rolls around.

Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
Chicken Soup For the Golfer's Soul. Chicken Soup For the Shopper's Soul. Chicken Soup For the Fisherman's Soul. Chicken Soup For the Scrapbooker's Soul. Chicken Soup For the Baseball Lover's Soul. Chicken Soup For the Canadian's Soul. Chicken Soup For the Military Wife's Soul. Chicken Soup For the NASCAR Soul. Chicken Soup For the Ocean Lover's Soul. Chicken Soup For the Prisoner's Soul. Chicken Soup For the Beastiality Soul. OK, so I made that last one up. BUT ALL THE REST OF THEM ARE REAL.

Iyanla Vanzant
This woman (real name: Rhonda Harris) totally intrigues me...and not in a good way. It's unclear how exactly she earned the titles of "doctor" and "reverend" (and many of these self-help mofos get their diplomas online); in fact, her main "credentials" seem to be that she had a really crappy childhood that she has apparently made peace with. Her bio says, "In 1990 with seemingly little notice, her path to working with man’s law transformed and suddenly made way to a divine appointment with Spiritual Law. This union gave birth to her work of service to the Universe and manifested in the form of workshops, lectures, television appearance, and best-selling books wherein Iyanla shared Spiritual Law and Principles." Okaayyyyyy. What can be confirmed is that she is the author of "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up", "Yesterday I Cried", "Giving To Yourself First" and several other ridiculously pretentious titles. Seriously, Rhonda, get over yourself. Many people have overcome horrible situations to become inspiring, but trivializing serious situations with pseudo-spiritual McAffirmations is seriously irresponsible. Leave the care and counseling to the people who actually sat in classrooms for four years. And for god sakes, enough with the man's law/spiritual law business. It sounds like something Kirk Cameron would say.

John Gray
The man behind some of the most popular relationship books on the market was at one time a monk. That's right. A monk is giving step-by-step advice on how to please women. And with profound tips like, "All men and women have an equal need for love; when these needs are not fulfilled it is easy to have our feelings hurt," who wouldn't think that was a good idea? They must not have stressed the sin of greed too much at the monestary, because with books, magazines, retreats, radio shows, an online dating service and more, the Mars/Venus empire seems to go on and on with no merciful end in sight. Johnny also sponsors something called the "O Spa", which features some kind of convoluted hot tub with "metabolism-enriching" iodines and sea salts. Is he serious? Someone needs to tell him that Jesus doesn't like liars.

Sark
Sark is the Candace Bushnell of self-help. She writes books with titles like "Eat Mangoes Naked", "Succulent Wild Woman", "Living Juicy" and "Transformation Soup: Healing For the Splendedly Imperfect." She uses words like "bodacious", "luscious" and "radiant" and surrounds them with sherbet-colored drawings of rainbows and fairies and coffee mugs. She talks about having a safe place to dream and explore and create. She assures the readers of her website "You are so completely welcome to be here! This is our creative community built by all of our hearts. It is a place of learning, teaching, loving and sharing what it means to be a succulent human bean [sic]—that's you!" Simply put: I fucking hate Sark.

Dr. Spencer Johnson
Spence is the "innovator" behind that annoying "Who Moved My Cheese" book that every boss ever in the history of the modern world quotes from ad nauseum at quarterly meetings. His revolutionary philosphy to success involves the four "Change Skills™": anticipating change, taking action, moving beyond fear, and imagining success. Seriously. I have no idea how cheese is supposed to fit into this equation, but I'm sure there is some profound analogy that relates to not sweating the small stuff and maximizing results and shit like that. Even with his millions of adoring fans showering him with cash, the good doctor at least remains modest. From his bio: "Dr. Spencer Johnson is one of the world's most influential thinkers and beloved authors. He is renowned for his brief, profound parables that help millions of people manage in changing times and rejuvenate their spirits." Dr. Johnson would take your call, but he's too busy looking at himself in the mirror and jerking off to his own reflection.

Also of note are the wonderfully absurd book titles the "movement" has spawned. Here's a small sampling:
• Live Like You Were Dying (because when you do, you'll live forever, like Michael Jackson)
• Becoming The Me I Want To Be
• Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda: Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes and Missed Opportunities
• Calming The Inner Storm
• Cleaning Out The Closet Of Your Mind

After you've finished purging, let me just say that, conversely, I realize that we all need all the help we can get after getting several pan-zoom views of Britney's crotch and C-section scar in the last week. But the pathway to wellness will not be found in any of the books listed above. The best, most healing advice I can give you is to get rid of that memory by attacking it at the source: kill off the brain cells. That's right, alcohol and lots of it is the answer. It's the cause of—and solution to—all of life's problems.

I mean seriously. Can you imagine a whole world of empowered people walking around living up to their full potential? How fucking annoying would that be? We'd all be drinking anyway.