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The riots in the streets may cease: I am back to semi-regular blogging. It's Year 6 for Stupid & Contagious (whoop whoop) and I'd love to hear what you'd like to read about. I'm pretending that there are enough people just begging to read what I write, so play along. If there's any topic—pop culture or otherwise—you'd like me to make fun of, simply say so in the comments and your wish is my command.
That said, the world is ending in December, so get your requests in ASAP.
Despite impending doom, there are already a number of things for us to "look forward to" this year. And a number of things that we know are inevitable. For instance:
- Britney's getting married for the third time! And this time, our favorite little dead-eyed automaton is tying the knot with long-time boyfriend Not Jim Jarmusch. Actually, now that I think about it, he looks more like if Jim Jarmusch, Dax Shepard and Sam Merlotte from True Blood. So I will henceforth nickname him Jardaxmerlotte. Anyway, how long do we all think this one will last? My guess: they'll quietly divorce within three years, asking for privacy during this difficult time and assuring everyone that they remain "the best of friends."
-Duggars announce #20, take 2! Despite the fact that clearly Jesus is telling them to knock it the fuck off already, I predict we'll get a "happy announcement" sometime during the summer months, most likely July. Another miscarriage will occur, this time with Michelle's uterus falling out and saying "I quit this bitch." Again they'll pimp the tragedy out with touching, "tasteful" photos of the dead kid, a creepy memorial service and an anti-abortion infomercial thinly disguised as a "tribute video." And if the tissue sample is a boy, they'll name it Jesus. (In fact, I can't believe they haven't named one that already.)
-Charlie Sheen is elected president in November! Since Americans clearly want a mentally unstable kook in office, the country goes for broke and elects everyone's favorite quote machine into the president's chair. Also, Casey Anthony for VP.
-Beyonce and Jay-Z become parents! Oh, right...no one cares. Until Jay-Z comes out of the closet and takes up with the newly single Kobe Bryant!
-Doomsday cults commit mass suicide on 12-21-12! This includes the weirdos who follow Harold Egbert Camping, aka C. Montgomery Burns in the flesh. Sad but true, people...we know this is going to happen.
-The summer Olympics! Oh goody...more drooling over Michael Phelps! More scandals involving underage Chinese gymnasts! Loads of triumph-over-adversity vignettes in between events! Weird mascots that make no sense whatsoever! Condescending pandering to the "little countries that could" who win bronze in something like canoe slalom or trampoline gymnastics! Mohammed Ali dragged out and propped up to light the torch! Non-stop late-night show jokes about weird-looking aerodynamic leotards! I can't wait!
-Paltrow continues to be an insufferable blowhard! Oh my god, I have been trying not to explode reading about her macrobiotic hangover cures, her "Emmy scrapbook" and the new GOOP app. Prediction: I will continue reading her site even though it makes me have a literal aneurysm every time and will blog incessantly about her pompous vomitings even though my New Year's resolution is to stop masochistically subjecting myself to things I hate.
-RockitQueen becomes a mash-up star! 'Cause I'm dying to mix up "Careless Whispers" with Lords of Acid's "I Must Increase My Bust."
Any additions to make to this list? Sound off, my pretties! And thanks for sticking with me. HUGS!