GOOP in your pants!

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Hey, everyone! Have you all made your new year's resolutions? It's always a great idea to kick off a new year with an empty promise to yourself that will go down the tubes by the end of the month! Inspiring!


If your intention is to lose some damn weight already, you're in luck. Our old pal Gwyneth Paltrow is here to help! In the latest issue of her GOOP newsletter, GP once again starts off the new year with a post about getting rid of all the liquid fat you crammed down your gullet during the holidays via a fun n' healthy cleanse. But this year, there's a new surprise: Gwynnie has introduced her very own GOOP CLEANSE! 


When you've woken up from your excitement-induced blackout, check out what this life-changing kit includes:


-Nourish: Protein powder
-Move: Fiber powder
-Clear 1: Probiotic anti-microbial
-Balance: Insulin regulator
-Ease: Digestive enzyme
-Encourage: Strong probiotic
-Clear 2: Liver support
-Cleanse Manual
-Recipe Guide


For a mere $425, all this can be yours! Then you can ingest handfuls of pills with a sludge "smoothie" chaser every day for an entire month, sending your body into starvation mode and giving you a hunger delirium that you'll interpret as "feeling lighter"!


You'll have a shake for breakfast, a shake for dinner and a sensible lunch from a select list of foods. Like a chicken wrap made with a wheat-free tortilla and two tablespoons of hummus. Or a pumpkin coconut stew that looks like what you're probably expelling into the toilet every night during your cleanse. Or a warm mint chocolate shake. Yes, warm. 


GOOP also advises you to "work with a doctor who understands and is supportive of your cleansing goals." In other words, "work with a 'doctor' who has a diploma in something like Naturopathic Accupressure from a university with a P.O. box for an address who will tell you to go for it, but only after you pick up a few of his or her approved supplements to help you in your Cleansing Journey." 


Once you've got your kit in your hot little hands, it's time to get started and get ready to shit like you've never shat before! That all-too-familiar "gotta-go gurgle" will seize you when you least expect it! Like when you're stuck in traffic! Or in the middle of a team meeting! And when the GOOP cleanse is ready to work, it's ready to give you the butt-blasting of a lifetime! Hey, if you really want the wispy, wan pallor of Paltrow, you have to work for it!


Might be a good idea to keep some Beano handy.


When it's all over, Gwynnie promises you'll lose a few pounds and kick off a healthier and more energetic new year. She's forcing the entire GOOP staff (all 2? 3? of them) to participate, and I'm sure Chris Martin is riding the porcelain roller coaster as we speak. Join them, BE them. 


OK, in all seriousness, I just can't with this crazy bitch any more. She is, quite literally, massively full of shit.


XO, RQ


P.S. "Probiotic anti-microbial"?? They may as well have just called it Dr. R.J. Copperhead's Genuine Original Famous Snake Oyl Elixir Tonic Liniment For What Ails Ya.


P.P.S. Post title courtesy of the handsome and talented RockitKing!!