1/18/2011

Who has the tougher day: Gwyneth Paltrow or the Dukes?

That pasty, elitist bag-of-wank Paltrow is at it again in her latest STOOP newsletter. This time she's caused a bit of an uproar in the blogosphere for a recent write-up on "finding a good balance between having a career and being a mom." I think you can probably guess where this one goes. Yep, more oblivious rumination on how difficult it is to manage two-hour workouts, an army of assistants, dress fittings and eating lettuce leaves (organic only!)...all with two pretentiously-named kids in the other room with the nanny.

I can just imagine what a day in the life of Chez Paltrow is like. Can't you just see her tooting on a little whistle like the Captain in The Sound of Music and the children (and Chris) tripping down the stairs to line up for "inspection"? She'd primly inspect their school uniforms for wrinkles, check behind their ears and then force a sheepish Apple to spit a covert wad of chewing gum into her hand. After pausing to ratchet up the tension, she'd declare, "All right, off, off with you. Don't be late for the driver to take you to school," then turn to the housekeeper and huff, "Lupe, when I return from chakra balance power pilates, I expect the pantry to be perfectly appointed with all labels facing FRONT. Make that mistake again, and the heat in the servants' quarters will be turned off again." Then, she'd spin on her heel and make her grand exit.

Who does this bitch think she is? It's not like she spends her days dodging cops, greedy bankers and criminals in black sedans. She doesn't have a ridge-runnin' past she needs to live down every day of her life. Not only that, she never has to pause mid-activity for the voice of Waylon Jennings to narrate what kind of trouble she's gotten herself into now. That's right: life in the whimsically chaotic world of Gwyneth Patrow doesn't hold a candle to the day in the rip-roarin', rum-runnin' life of one of those Hazzard County Duke boys. Let's just take a sneak peek for a little compare-and-contrast. Note: I copied the Gwynnie portions directly from her stupid newsletter, so the atrocious grammar, punctuation errors and sentence fragments are all her (thanks, Spence!).

Gwynnie: Got Apple all fed and dressed in her uniform and ready to go but no sign nor sight of Moses at 8 am and we have to be out of the house by 8:20. I went up to arouse the little man from slumber and he quite happily got up and crawled into my arms. We got downstairs and I made him a quick breakfast of eggs and toast followed by a spoonful of lemon flavored flax oil that I try to remember to give them both every morning.

Bo & Luke: After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, grits, hash, biscuits, pancakes, sausage, gravy and syrup, the boys prepare for a day of driving around in the General Lee. Unfortunately, they're almost immediately caught speeding by Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane. The boys kick up some dust and finally lose Roscoe's tail by jumping over a semi carrying a load of outhouses. (Roscoe also made the jump, but didn't miss the outhouses).

Gwynnie: I dodged off as fast as possible but was still late to the 9 am workout. Did dance aerobics for 45 minutes then all of the butt lifts and the like. Rushed upstairs to have a shower, doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair to combine activities/save time.

Bo & Luke: It's hotter than a red-assed bee in Hazzard, and that jump got the ol' General Lee overheated. The boys pull off to Hazzard Pond to get some water to cool the engine. Luke takes a cool drink from the pond, completely oblivious to the fact that scientific researchers just accidentally dropped a genetic serum that makes good genes go bad into the pond. Bo is confused when Luke suddenly starts acting like an asshole.

Gwynnie: On a less manic day, this would be my couple of hours in the office to work on GOOP, come up with ideas, write/edit and go over scheduling, travel, whatever else I have going but I have no time so I just pop the old cabeza in to see if there are any deadlines or fires that need putting out. When I am given the all clear I rush out the door, headed to rehearse with a band to prepare for the Country Music Awards which are just a week away. 

Bo & Luke: The boys meet Daisy, Enos and the Petticord sisters (Maybelle and Ruby) at the Boars Nest for the annual Hazzard Hayride. The gang loads up on the wagon and prepares for some fun. Suddenly, Boss Hogg drives up in his convertible with bullhorns on the hood and blows his horn, which spooks the horses who take off runnin'. Bo and Luke spring into action! Bo climbs into the wagon's driver seat and Luke jumps on the back of a one of the horses. The boys manage to stop the wild stallions seconds before they—and the wagon—careen over Hazzard Cliff.

Gwynnie: Had to do my vocal exercises/warmups in the car, sooo not a good look. Fellow drivers looked on a bit bewildered. Rehearsed with the band from 11:30 to 12:30 and then scooted back out to the car and had kind of a big interview on the phone while trying to subtly check/reply to well-overdue email. 


Bo & Luke: The gang returns to the Boars Nest just in time to rescue Loretta Lynn, who was taking a detour through Hazzard and was kidnapped and held for ransom by a jealous jug band. Meanwhile, two con artists smuggle fake gold bars into Hazzard and store them in Boss Hogg's bank and cook up a scheme to frame Bo and Luke. Also, Daisy gets stuck in quicksand in her high heels. 


Gwynnie: Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2. This is my 4th out of 5 fittings for this trip. We tried on a myriad of dresses and outfits, and I had b.o. by the end of it from wrestling with all of those dresses. I have six looks I need to choose for the trip; there’s the radio press conference upon arrival, the red carpet for the Country Strong premier, press interviews, a Sony Music VIP dinner, the red carpet for the CMA’s and the outfit for my performance! We manage to finalize all of the looks for the (very nerve wracking) trip.


Bo & Luke: Boss Hogg announces he's foreclosing on Uncle Jesse's farm, so the boys race home to organize a charity demolition derby and just happen to run into The Oak Ridge Boys on the way. The band plays a quick set in Hazzard Square and raises enough money to save the farm. But Boss Hogg and Roscoe catch up with the Duke boys at the show, arrest them for passing counterfeit gold and throw them in the Hazzard County Jail.


Gwynnie: At 2 pm I head into my office with a nice cup of tea for two hours of phone interviews. I am doing lots of these this week, but today’s session is only two hours. I call country radio station after country radio station speaking to some of the nicest and friendliest DJ’s on the planet. 


Bo & Luke: While Boss Hogg is out enjoying a giant plate of corn dogs at the Boars Nest, the con artists kidnap Hazzard's beloved mechanic Cooter at gunpoint and steal the armored car he's repairing, which also happens to contain the serum that can reverse the effects of the bad gene mixture Luke drank. In the meantime, Bo & Luke make a rope out of their shirts and use it to pull the keys to the jail cell off the wall (carelessly left by Roscoe) and make their escape.


Gwynnie: Thursday is the one day of the week that I do not pick my kids up after school. They go straight to an activity and I am able to really maximize work stuff. I always feel a bit guilty (obviously) about it, but it means I can focus fully on them when they get home instead of trying to do two things at once. At 4pm, my weekly owners' and managers' call takes place for the Tracy Anderson Method with our brilliant CEO Stephanie Stahl taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. 


Bo & Luke: Daisy, who saw Cooter's kidnapping, races through the backroads of Hazzard in her Jeep to head off the armored car. She poses by the side of the road in a bikini to distract the con artists just long enough for Cooter to wrestle the gun away from them. Back in Hazzard, Bo & Luke slide over the hood and jump through the window of the General Lee and race out of town to hide out. But suddenly, Daisy breaks in over the CB: "Breaker, breaker, Lost Sheep, this is Bo Peep! I've got the cure for Luke's anger management problems!" Meanwhile, Uncle Jesse hits his head and gets amnesia.


Gwynnie: Kiddies burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, just drawing and hanging out and of course playing Plants vs Zombies on the iPad, their obsession that I have to limit like crazy! What up, gamers. Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow’s bake sale. It is ‘Bonfire night’ in the UK tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate and to raise money for charity. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with pink icing and green icing (from Tate’s Bakeshopcookbook with the icing from American Desserts cookbook).


Bo & Luke: As the boys race to Daisy, Roscoe pulls out from behind a tree and the chase is on again! "I'll g-g-g-get them Duke boys!" he blazes, as his dog Flash looks on with disinterest. Only Roscoe knows there's a bridge out ahead! But that won't stop the Dukes. Bo blasts right through the blockades, sending construction workers diving out of the way, then jumps the General Lee over the river and lands safely on the other side. Roscoe pulls up the rear and crashes into a pile of hay bales. Don't worry, he's OK! Luckily, Cletus and Enos took a detour to Daisy and Cooter and take the con artists into custody. Meanwhile, Uncle Jesse hits his head again, which cures his amnesia.


Gwynnie: At 6:30 pm we all get in the bath and it’s hair washing night for the kids (every other night—never popular). Then back downstairs to check on cupcakes and have a visit from an auntie and uncle. The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance! My night to lay with Mosey so I tuck Apple in, say a prayer and go into Mosey's room for a story, foot massage and quiet time. As soon as all was quiet, I rushed downstairs to grab a blazer and some blush and flung myself in the car for girls night. Lovely dinner and great conversation. 11:29 pm now, exhausted and ready to do it all again tomorrow!


Bo & Luke: Luke drinks the nice gene serum and is back to normal within seconds and Cooter announces he's running for Congress. Then the whole gang joins up with their other cousins Coy and Vance and heads over to the Boars Nest to crack open some frosty ones and enjoy an impromptu concert from Tammy Wynnette, who just happened to be passing through town. Everyone's exhausted and ready to do it all again tomorrow! 


So, dear readers, I believe the moral of this blog post is: yahoos from Hazzard County are busier than pompous Hollywood blowhards. Also, you'd be a hell of a lot cooler if you had the voice of Waylon Jennings narrating your every move.

2 comments:

krcfreelancer said...

Love it! Love it! Love it!

Generaly said...

You must be watching CMT? Do you recieve such TV channel fare in "Cowtown"?