13 music world trends that need to die

The world of music can be a little bit like emptying a bag of cobras into the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. It's dangerous. Unpredictable. It might cause screaming and rioting. Some people might be bitten. Some might even die. The bottom line is: you never know what you're going to get. And if you get out in one piece, you might get to see a kickass animated show starring a robot lion dressed as Elvis.

This is a bad analogy to make the point that for every cool thing the music industry spawns, five shitty things come along with it. Nirvana makes it big and suddenly designers are sending models down the runway wearing $700 flannel shirts and 600-thread-count longjohns. It comes in cycles. And often such trends overstay their welcome.

So let's address the latest spate of dumbassery. With 2011 around the corner, it's time to turn the page bury these once and for all.

Actually, pimpin' really isn't that hard.
13. The sexyface/sideways scissor pose
Come on, do it. Give us your best Blue Steel and throw it up. Instant gangsta! Wut wut! Now you a straight-up pimp like Miley!

12. Trending band names
First, every band had a "The" name. Now every band has a name of two words that don't make sense together: Vampire Weekend, Arcade Fire, Gaslight Anthem, Neon Indian, Perfume Genius, Freelance Whales, Gold Panda, Best Coast... god, go back to "The" names already (except "The Black" anything).

11. Crossover duets
Take one long-eyelashed popstress, add a hip-hop thug in a backwards hat and you've got music gold. Better yet, throw them together in a "surprise" performance onstage at some music awards show and then release a single due to popular demand. See: Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg, Rihanna and Jay-Z, Janelle Monae and Big Boi, etc. (You know some enterprising wheeler-dealer somewhere is hammering away at securing a Taylor Swift/Kanye West duet.)

10. Horrible hairdon'ts
I know, this is obvious, but it has to be said. Whether it's asymmetrical emo, the Jewfro, the Bieber or one of the old "classics" like the Robert Smith, the Flock of Seagulls or the Let's Get Physical (feathered mullet with terrycloth sweatband, a la Mike Reno), the stupid haircuts are out of control. Sidebar to this no-no is weird facial hair, such as the braided beard and the Herman Mudgett turn-of-the-century mustache that seems to be making a comeback.

9. Bands with more than six people in them
If you're not a freestyle jazz odyssey combo, then there's no need to have 50 fucking people on stage. Your indie band does not need a violin, trumpet, mandolin, dulcimer, cello, accordion, bagpipes, a pan flute, clarinet, mouth harp, regular harp, theremin and a gong.

8. Thinking Karen O, Beth Ditto and Hayley Williams are awesome
Karen O. is so cool! Beth Ditto is so confident! Hayley Williams is so hot! No. Karen O. is ridiculous and has a ridiculous haircut. Beth Ditto is fat. Hayley Williams is Ashlee Simpson in an orange wig. Yes, I'm being catty.

7. Mentioning "haters"
This includes the phrase, "Haters gonna hate."

6. Giving reality stars music deals
Kim Kardashian is releasing an album. In fact, she actually also violated #11 recently by allegedly recording a duet with Kanye West. Heidi Montag released an album that sold less than 1,000 copies. Two Real Housewives released songs called "Tardy for the Party and "Money Can't Buy You Class." I'm looking forward to the Billy the Exterminator album myself. If he does a kind of Kid Rock thing, I'm totally sold.

5. "Cute" tattoos
There was a time not too long ago when having a tattoo was really shocking. Like, only bikers and ex-cons had them. Then, heavy metal came along. Slowly but surely, everyone started getting them. Now you see people with Pooh Bear, Hello Kitty, Tinkerbell and every other cutesy comic character you can think of. What are these people thinking? Imagine your grandma in a nursing home with a giant picture of Tigger on her leg. Or your great uncle with Voltron on his flabby chest.

4. Clever musical versions of cheesy songs
OK, we get it. A high school choir singing an a capella version of "Toxic" is funny. Theater geeks dancing around to Whitesnake is high camp. "Don't Stop Believin'" is hilariously corny and needs to be in every grand finale music montage. I'm going to say it: I'm sick of "Don't Stop Believin'". The usage in The Sopranos finale was perfect. However, since then, the song has shown up on American Idol, Glee, America's Got Talent and a new Chipmunks album. It's also the grand finale in the Broadway show Rock of Ages. Sorry. Should have prefaced that with a spoiler alert.

3. Not giving credit where it's due
I love Gaga and all, but the queen of provocative stage outfits is Wendy O. Williams. Ke$ha, Grace Jones did that face paint thing first. Hell, Adam Ant did it before you. And Prince did the symbol letter replacement already, too.

2. Child singers
With the success of the unfortunately named Willow Smith's unfortunately named song "Whip My Hair," not to mention Beiber, Demi Lovato, Camp Rock and all the child beauty pageant shows, I fear there's a boom around the bend. Because when a "singer" hits it big as a youngster, they always grow up into such successful, well-adjusted adults. Isn't Leif Garrett on the new Celebrity Rehab?

1. Hipsters
Let's take a little quiz, shall we? Do you possess any of the following items?
I put it on my gold card.
  • Giant nerd glasses (regular or sun) with yellow plastic frames
  • Ironic Spandex
  • A Chuck Klosterman book
  • Rodman-era Pistons jersey
  • Nordic hat with earflaps (extra points for pom-pom on top)
  • An animal skull
  • Yassir Arafat scarf
  • Messenger bag with shoulder strap
  • A floppy beanie
  • Rollie cigarettes
  • Stan Getz's Getz/Gilberto, Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and Outkast's Stankonia on vinyl (must be at least two of the three)
  • Facial hair that makes you look like the dad from The Wilderness Family
  • A collarbone tattoo
  • White belt
  • Myra Hindley hairstyle in any color
  • Liberal arts degree
  • Requiem for a Dream on DVD
  • Stripey rainbow socks (extra points if they have toes)
  • 16 oz. can of PBR
  • Native American headdress
  • Moon boots
 Do you regularly have any three of these items on your person? If not, you're OK.

If so, then die hipster scum.

1 comment:

just a fan said...

Seriously though I think you hit all the high (or low) points...oh by the way 'Don't Stop Bel,,," oh shit Blogging I mean. sorry my English and written ain't so good as yours..!