Since Gwynnie is so upset about the big meanie bloggers who are constantly trashing her STOOP newsletter (they just don't get it), I've decided that it would be free publicity and a major boon to my blogging career if I can get her to squall at me personally. So I'm going to be extra mean today!
And why shouldn't I be? Bitch gives the worst advice. You remember back when I wrote a fake GOOP newsletter for my April Fool's Day post? Well, turns out I wasn't too far off.
The first example appears in her June 18 newsletter, which focuses on "healing." Great. More new age fuckery. My favorite. Gwen opines "In fact, those many little [acupuncture] needles have helped me through many an ailment. Eastern medicine has a different approach than Western medicine—it’s more holistic. The root of the problem is addressed, as opposed to a symptom being attended to with prescription medication, only to return."
I know that our favorite pile of wet spinach went to a hoity-toity private school in New York. It may cost a lot of money, but the teachers there don't have to actually be licensed, as they do in public schools. So who gets the more authoritative education? Hard to say. Either way, it's obvious Gwyneth was twirling her hair and writing mean things about the ugly girls in her slam book during science class.
Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful as hell for a round of antibiotics or surgery when necessary, but I have been helped tremendously by all of the practices below that help the body heal itself. When implemented by a professional with experience, the benefits can work wonders.
But Gwynnie, antibiotics and surgery are so Western. And they don't really get to the root of the problem. Plus, it just looks so much cooler to have needles sticking out all over the place and and a little Asian woman gently ringing sound therapy bells. I've got a little control test for you to try, Gwyneth—the next time you get sick, how about trying those antibiotics and prescription meds without the "complimentary" add-ons?
This painfully stupid intro is followed by an interview with a "Chinese medicine practitioner" who goes on and on about how herbs and shit are virtually ignored by snooty Western scientists. She then mentions energy flow and "Qi" and life force. Gag.
Here's where the newsletter starts sounding a lot like the April Fool's Day post. Gwynnie's diploma mill doctor offers a few ancient Chinese secret follow-up remedies:
• Ginger tea with raw brown sugar for menstrual cramps
• Castor oil pack for joint pain
• Neti pot for clearing out the sinuses
• Dry brushing for healthy skin and lymphatic system
• Goji berries with chrysanthemum for red, dry eyes
You know what else is natural? Poo. Do they ever use that in ancient healing practices?
Next we're introduced to cupping, another therapy that was invented during the Tang Dynasty and involves glass jars, fire, alcohol and baby oil. It may sounds like a night at Bob Guccione's house, but it's allegedly supposed to create some kind of suction vacuum on the patient's skin for...what exactly? Relaxation? "Healing?" Who knows, but it leaves these really gnarly marks on you and also can also burn your flesh off. Way to recommend there, Gwynnie. What's next? Bayonet therapy? Hey, cutting is supposed to help people relieve stress, so why not?
The July 9 STOOP newsletter might be even worse. Gwynnie bitches that she gained a bunch of weight "during a majorly fun and delicious 'relax and enjoy life phase' about a month ago." Imagine that. Dare to have fun and enjoy life and you turn into a giant unlovable fat ass, like Gwynnie's character in Shallow Hal. Stars...they're just like us!
Anyway, what's a girl to do? Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse! Gwynnie recommends Dr. Alejandro Junger's Clean detox program. He claims the cleanse will rid the body of toxins and you won't have headaches and irritable bowel syndrome anymore or something. Basically, he doesn't give you any of the rundown and the post is essentially propaganda for his program. Buy it! Gwynnie did! She was able to restore her cornstalk-like physique after a crazed week of face-stuffing.
After her hearty endorsement ("I feel pure and happy and much lighter... this thing is amazing!"), Gwen reminds us to ask our doctors if a cleanse is right for us. You mean those Western-medicine-practicing shills for Big Pharma?? No way! I'd rather drink nothing but mashed wet spinach juice and whey so I can be skinny like Gwyneth Paltrow!
God, could she be any more clueless? Wet Spinach is such a moron. Don't follow her advice. I'll tell you how to make yourself feel better for free: replace Aussie Cheese Fries with fruits and vegetables and do some exercise. When you're sick, go to the doctor. If you're considering alternative treatments, consult Quackwatch and What's the harm?, not STOOP.
Ug, I can't believe I've just wasted half my day off on Paltrow. Time for a "relax and enjoy life phase" for the rest of the afternoon.