This is not going to be one of the usual "OMG, did you hear what Star X named their baby??" posts. That being said, of course I think Bronx Mowgli Wentz is a stupid name for a baby. Everyone knows that kid's going to grow up to fill the Sean Stewart "my parents never loved me" role on Celebrity Rehab Forever. But look who his folks are: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, two of the biggest fucking douchenozzles on the planet. Even if they named the kid John Charles Wentz, he's still going to eventually be taken down in a hail of bullets after a seven-hour standoff with cops, waving a harpoon gun in a crack-addled haze in a Ralph's parking lot. In other words, when douche sperm meets a douche egg, the resulting zygote is doomed no matter what.
The onslaught of celeb baby births lately has brought with it the usual crop of stories on names. In the last few months, we've welcomed Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale (Gwen and Gavin's second boy), Felix Griffiths (Gillian Anderson's son), Sophocles Iraia Manasiadis Clement (son of Flight of the Conchords' Jermaine Clement) and of course Knox n' Viv Jolie-Pitt. This means the media must bring up the old faves, like Moxie Crimefighter Jillette (Penn's girl), Pilot Inspektor (son of Jason Lee), Audio Science (daughter of Shannyn Sossamon) and Kal-El Cage (Nicholas' son). One of my all-time personal favorite celebuspawn with a stupid name has turned into quite the little tabloid ho herself: Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof. Peaches has three sisters named Little Pixie, Fifi Trixibelle and Heavenly Hiranni Tiger Lily Hutchence. I'm also a big fan of the names director Robert Rodriguez gave his five kids: Rocket Valentin, Racer Maximilliano, Rebel Antonio, Rogue and Rhiannon Elizabeth. 'Cause I like the name Rocket!
As is usually the case, real life is far more unbelievable than the fictitious world of Hollyweird. At least all these kids have famous parents and money, so what do they care what they're named? Some poor kids not only get saddled with a name Mom and Dad came up with after smoking a bowl behind Mikey's Lick n' Wash Ice Cream and Laundry Emporium, they also have to go to public school and then try to get a half-way decent job with monikers like these at the top of their resumes.
The brilliant website Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing calls out some of the most common "creative" mistakes parents make when devising a name for their spawn:
• Giving a common name a weird spelling. Just because you name your kid Maedysynn, Aethan, or Ilyssebyth doesn't mean you didn't just name them three of the most popular names in the U.S.
• Naming girls cutesy widdle girlie names that virtually guarantee them a future in Wonderland or the sex industry (Ambriana, Brinley, Kaylana, etc.)
• Naming boys hyper-masculine romance-novel names that virtually guarantee them a future in the Old West or the sex industry. (Cash, Colt, Beowulf, etc.)
• Going Gaelic, particularly if you're not. Because Gwyneira Arwen Ivanovich just sounds stupid.
• Going Native American, particularly if you're not. Because Sitting Bull Buttafuoco also sounds stupid.
• Not thinking the combo of first and last name through. Everyone knows some poor kid named Harry or Dick or Harry Dick with this problem.
• McNames. McKenzie, McKenna, McKaty, McCarthy, McKayla. Dear god. Fucking McKnock it off with this shit.
Here are a few more choice ideas BNABBT trolled from expectant mom message boards around the internets:
Meloncholia Francessca Antouinette
Dayzunique Tylettrell Deiondrianiece
BNABBT gives one good test to run your name idea through before deciding. Plug the name into the following sentence, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States [NAME]." Done and done.
Rockit McKingston Shiloh Briannalynne Redcloud Queen