I know what sent Blohan on her coke bender!

I Know Who Killed Me! If my name had appeared anywhere in the credits of this movie (gaffer, key grip, bee wrangler, whatever), I'd be on a death-wish binge, too.

First, I should note that I've seen Glitter voluntarily. I saw Torque in the theater. I own Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. So it should be of no surprise to you that I've been dying to see I Know Who Killed Me since I heard the hilarious review on the Reel Horror podcast in the hopes that it's really as bad as everyone says.

This is the movie that Lindsay Blohan took stripping lessons for and was famously unable to promote due to her coke-fueled bender, arrest and subsequent rehabbing back in July.

Well, I finally saw it and my consensus of it is pretty much the same as Reel Horror's: that the reports of this being the worst movie ever made are grossly understated. I have so much to say about this and I'm just going to let it fly. If you really want to be surprised, my condolences, but you can save yourself the agony and just read my spoilers here.

The "plot"
Blohan plays Aubrey, a smarty-pants high school student who plays piano and lives in a mansion with her parents, Neal McDonough and Smilla. After Aubrey is kidnapped by a serial killer who cuts his victims' hands off, she's found in a ditch alive and claiming to be Dakota, a poor, homeless stripper. Dakota is bad. We know this because she smokes and says "fuck" a lot. Is Aubrey just delusional or is Aubrey really bad girl Dakota or are these really two separate girls?

And does anyone care?

Oh, also, Aubrey/Dakota has a hairless cat. That isn't fixed. Know what I'm saying? The cat has the biggest balls ever. Made even more prominent by the fact that the cat is hairless. A hairless cat with huge balls! Brilliant. D&G should use that in their next campaign.

The acting
The world in I Know Who Killed Me is populated entirely of people with Asperger's Syndrome. Nobody reacts in a realistic, rational manner. When Blohan gets on a bus with blood literally pouring out of a gaping wound on her hand, she notices a guy casually staring at her and asks, "Don't you want to know what happened?" and he says, "People get cut. That's life." With blood POURING down her arm and smeared all over her face and clothes. The bus driver doesn't offer to take her to the hospital? The only other passenger on the bus isn't horrified? Even Blohan herself seems unfazed. Which is even weirder when I tell you that the gaping wound was caused by her finger turning black and FALLING OFF right before her very eyes!

I wish I was making this up, but, yes. Blohan plays a character who is missing a hand and a leg. Which brings me to...

The prosthetics
Also in the I Know Who Killed Me world, you can learn to walk on a prosthetic leg and use a mechanical prosthetic hand in a matter of hours (or minutes—who knows with this movie?). The artificial limbs are hilarious. They're like, twice the size of regular hands and feet. They may as well have put a giant Mickey Mouse glove and shoe on her. Additionally, her prosthetic leg needs to be "plugged in" at night so the "battery doesn't die." You heard me: her bot leg is battery-powered. Yeah, that's not going to come back later in the plot or anything.

Anyway, like I said before, Aubrey was allegedly the victim of a serial limb chopper-offer. However, "Dakota" claims that her hand and leg just fell off. This is shown in the aforementioned hilarious scene in which her finger rots off. Her reaction is like she burned a pot roast. "Oh! My! God! Ooh!" So what does she do? She picks her finger up...AND THEN SEWS IT BACK ON.

You may be wondering if I smoked crack before writing this post. That wasn't me. It was Jeff Hammond, the guy responsible for writing this screenplay.

The bizarre reactions
No one in the movie seems to be fazed by anything that's going on, except that Aubrey/Dakota's kidnapping and subsequent handicap seems to be a huge inconvienience to everyone. McDunnah and Smilla find out the latest news about their kidnapped daughter when they're laying on the couch flipping channels and see it on the news. No shit. These two should have been the number one suspects in Aubrey/Dakota's disapparance.

In addition, the FBI agents investigating the kidnapping are convinced that Aubrey/Dakota knows who chopped her hand and leg off and that she's covering for them. Wait, what?? It simply doesn't make any sense. Why didn't they just get Smilla to use her sense of snow to solve the crime?

OK, that sucked. Sorry.

The stripping
Speaking of a sense of snow, Blohan was obviously plowing through a drift before filming the strip club scenes. A three-toed sloth on a eucalyptus branch is more exciting than this listless slug on a stripper pole. She's also the only stripper in the whole club who doesn't have her top off. If those scenes didn't turn you asexual, then this certainly will, as it is officially the unsexiest moment in movie history.

The "sex scene"
So your girlfriend has just lost her leg and hand in a horrific attack by an unknown assailant who is still on the loose. She also seems to be suffering from some kind of amnesia that's causing her to not remember anything or anyone, including you. You are seeing her for the first time since this accident and she appears in the doorway with her prosthetic leg off. What do you do?

Why, take her upstairs and fuck her, of course! Loudly! In the middle of the day! With her mom downstairs listening to the whole thing! And pretending to clean as if nothing is happening! Instead of storming upstairs, busting the door down and screaming, "Get the fuck off of my legless daughter!"

The dialogue
The real dialogue isn't much better than that. Some fun examples:
• At a high school football game on the same day that a student's dead body has been found, the PA announces: "As you know Jennifer Tolin's body was found and we'd like a moment of silence. [two seconds of silence] Now let's go out there and win this one for Jennifer! WHOOOOO!!!!"

• FBI guy: "He was done with her...left her by the road to die."
Police officer: "But he wasn't expecting her will to live!"

• Aubrey/Dakota to her boyfriend after having legless sex with him: "Did she ever fuck you like that? Did she ever fuck you at all?"

The twist
So are you ready for the big twist? It's a good one! Turns out Aubrey and Dakota ARE two separate girls. Smilla's baby died at birth and McDonut paid off a crackhead in the hospital who had twins for one of the babies! But that's not all—Aubrey and Dakota are STIGMATIC TWINS. So if one of them gets hurt, the other one feels it! Which explains why Dakota's finger fell off!
Is your mind blown yet? No? Then get ready for...

The grand finale
Dakota sees where Aubrey has been buried alive by the killer in a dream, and your first thought is, "When did she become psychic?" All of this could have been avoided if she'd been psychic BEFORE, but whatever.

Anyway, she grabs McDoody and tells him she knows where his daugher is. No cops for these two—they're taking the law into their own hands by going to the killer's house! The killer tries to grab Dakota through a hole in the wall and she screams "Fuck you!" and then CUTS HIS HAND OFF, while the killer doesn't even try to fight and essentially holds his hand out for her to sever.

McLovin gets killed at some point and there's a pointless struggle between Dakota and the killer and then a super-dramatic death scene (but amazingly, he doesn't "come back" after appearing to be dead like Michael Myers). Dakota then wanders into the woods and miraculously picks the exact spot where Aubrey is buried to dig. She uncovers a casket and then—wait for it—uses her fucking bot hand to punch a hole into the casket and free Aubrey. Of course, Aubrey isn't even blue yet. Dakota then climbs into the casket and snuggles up with her twin sister who was just freed from being buried alive.

And scene!

That's right: the end. This movie is barely an hour and 20 minutes long, which is both a blessing and a curse. It's like, how did this get the greenlight in the first place? And if they were going to go for it, why didn't they just give us a two-hour Showgirls extravaganza with more amputee sex scenes and more hairless cat and more Smilla and McGillicuddy finding out important things from news reports?

The bottom line of this rambling, incoherant review is: THIS IS THE FUCKING FUNNIEST BAD MOVIE EVER AND YOU HAVE TO SEE IT. Don't pay for it, though. Wait until you get your 10th rental free or something. That's what I did. Then get all your pals together, stock up on bottom-shelf liquor and laugh your asses off. If anything, you'll get a kick out of the hairless cat with giant balls.