100% chance of Snow

Cowtown had a record high temperature of 80 degrees Tuesday. It was awesome. Yesterday it was 40 and it started snowing, and today it's even colder. That's fucked up, no two ways about it. It's no wonder everyone gets so depressed this time of year. How are we supposed to function under these conditions? The answer is that we simply do not.

Jacked-up weather situations such as this totally mess with my mind. Case in point: as I stared in disbelief at the dandruff-esque flakes the sky was coughing up, I thought, "Snow? You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Speaking of which, whatever happened to early-90s Canadian rapper Snow?" What's the worst part of this story? I actually looked it up.

So, as if you care, I'll tell you what I discovered because I couldn't believe it. If the Wikipedia is to be believed (and why wouldn't it be?), this guy is still at large. He has released not one, not two, but FIVE albums filled with horrible songs since his cleverly-titled debut effort "12 Inches of Snow" in 1993. They are called—get ready—"Murder Love", "Justuss", "Cooler Conditions", "Mind on the Moon" and "Two Hands Clapping", and he's preparing to release yet another album jam packed with super-fly traxxx sometime this year. Believe it or not, he's had some success in Japan (where it seems everyone, including Edward Furlong, can have a music career) and, even more interesting, Jamaica. He's even got two Myspace pages, one for Artist Snow and another for Snow's fans, no doubt to quench their rabid froth for all the latest Snow news and phat-ass rhymes. No word if we can expect any beatboxing. And since you're probably wondering, Snow still looks like grown-up version of Sherman from "Bullwinkle", but after Mr. Peabody bit him in the face.

If you think that was an unwelcome blast from the past, I submit another name that I bet you hoped you'd never hear again: Gerardo. How could you possibly forget the shirtless, oiled, bandanna- and stonewashed jeans-clad Latin lover writhing around to that memorable chart-topper "Rico Suave"? No mas, no mas! But no such luck. Gerardo has also continued churning out the Spanglish hitz, including my personal fave "Fame, Sex y Dinero", which I'm guessing is his Latin American equivalent to sex, drugs and rock n' roll, or death and taxes or something. His last record "180 Degrees" may have hit stores back in '04, but he's still mixing it up one time, as you can see on his official website. And true to form, it seems he's still only addicted to the female species (he eats 'em raw like sushi). I don't know if it's good or bad that this is the only line I remember from this song. And the fact that I remember a line from this song is indicative of something far more disturbing in my psyche than any of us could have ever imagined.

Speaking of mental problems, whatever possessed Manson to lose it has apparantly also gotten me on a roll becase I also decided to do a little online research to see what Right Said Fred has been up to these days. Right Said Fred. The big gay Mr. Clean twins that, up until the release of "Fergalicious", were behind the dumbest song in the history of music. That's worse than checking in with Lihmal to see what's new, or googling The Heights to see how they did after the whole "How Do You Talk To An Angel", Drew Barrymore broken engagement thing. Apparently I'm not too sexy for any of this, and neither is my cat, Blackie Onassis. Remember him?

Anyway, if you thought that "I'm Too Sexy" was the only thing these two have ever done, you're so, so, so wrong; in fact, what they've done since is so completely awesome I can't even believe it's real. First of all, we all know those crazy Brits have a notoriously ungodly love of crappy pop music, but did you know that they managed to send Right Said Fred into the UK top 100 nine times?? Not only that, but "Don't Talk Just Kiss", "Stick It Out" and "Deeply Dippy", three songs with the dumbest titles ever, even made it all the way to the top ten! Let's write a song about that and call it "Deeply Disturbing." The last time they hit the charts was in 2001 with the suspiciously-titled "You're My Mate", which came in at number 18.

As is typical with Britpop, their biggest, baddest hit will be ressurrected, dance remixed, and rereleased to most likely hit number one again and again. Their official website breathlessly indicates that this malevolence is already underway. You heard it here first (well, second): "Right Said Fred are still too sexy in 2007! Sign up on the site now to stay up to date [sic] on their exciting new project! The 'I'm Too Sexy' revival is in full swing following Right Said Fred's starring role in the new daz adverts, with Ricky Tomlinson learning a new dance routine." I don't know who this "Ricky Tomlinson" is or generally what the fuck they are talking about but my interpretation is that there is probably some kind of TV commercial involving these people. Well, good for them anyway. According to the Wikipedia one of the brothers opened a gym and the other went on to become a member of "Gaytime TV" on BBC2. Ring, ring! Hello, cable company? This is RockitQueen. I demand BBC2 immediately. I'm starting a petition.

That was a nice little trip down memory lane, wasn't it? Nice to know that some of our fave one-hit wonders are making good with their lives and not slumming it up in Haimland. But if you want to know what ever happened to Wreckx-in-Effect, you're on your own. I'm done for now.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Is Snow the guy who sang "Informer"? (I suppose "sang" is generous!)