11/05/2006

Holy shit, a black metal dwarf!

"The absolutely most evil band in the world are for one not be too big for words."

With that inspirational quote from a black metal website, I'd like to kick off the first-ever report from the Norwegian Black Metal Research Commission (NBMRC). This is a relatively new organization and right now I am the only member, meaning I am also the president by default, but that's not important right now. "Our" aim is to uncover and report on the most outlandish kooks "we" can find from the grim and frostbitten kingdom, to inform and entertain the esteemed readers of Stupid & Contagious.

First an update on your old pals Immortal and it's a big one—the boys are coming to America! Tickets are on sale now for the July 2007 shows in New York and L.A. Are you ready for this? A mere $100 gets you a VIP ticket which comes with unmatched priveledge: first entry into the room at door time, a commemorative show poster and, best of all, a post-show meet and greet with our stinky, sweaty, spiked and studded heroes! Imagine being in such close proximity to Abbath's pit stench and Horgh's gut-guard; the photo op possibilities are endless! I know it seems too good to be true, but it's just a small price to pay for your ears to bleed in the presence of black metal greatness.

This is all well and good, but if Immortal wants to hold onto their title as the most ridiculous black metal band in the land, they better ramp up the absurdity right quick, because they have some stiff competition in Abruptum. In the course of my important research on black metal weirdness, I have not come across any freaks as worthy to dethrone the wearers of the spiked shinguards...until now.

The very attactive line-up of this Swedish duo consists of Evil on "guitars, sounds, piano, darkness", It on "cries, screams, violin, drums, torture" and "whatever other forces have to do with our recording sessions that cannot be mentioned here." It claims that he is so unbelievably fucking evil that he can't even be considered human anymore, thus the inanimate name and the blood-drool makeup. Allegedly, one of the band's original members was thrown out of the group because he was so disturbed by their first demo that he suddenly got religion. No shit! Luckily, they were hellish enough for Euronymous, who called them "the audial presence of pure black evil" and signed them to Deathlike Silence. Two albums were released before Euro's untimely death, a few more were cranked out on other labels and the group eventually disbanded supposedly due to death threats.

If that's not all, the members of Abruptum sure know how to stir up the controversy with some awesome quotes:

"Whatever happens in the studio while recording is both too painful and too private to discuss. Those fuckoffs out there who do not believe in our torture...go and die! Abruptum are original and we are the superior ones so everybody spreading rumors are just jealous and have to be killed for that."

"Black Metal is the greatest music, but I concentrate my thoughts on Satan instead."

"I would like to say that I hate you all and that we are the superior humans. Everybody else should kill themselves or we will do it for you. Soon the great forth reich will rise. You're probably stupid enough to buy our new album as well. Fuck you!"

Oh, and to top it all off, It is a little person. That's right: a black metal dwarf. And in one interview I found he refers to our favorite jailbird Varg Vikernes as "Cunt Grishfuck" and says if he ever runs into the Count again "he will meet his end."

I'm scared—hold me. These mofos seem to be very hardcore. However, they lose some credibility for breaking up over death threats; with all their satanic posturing you'd think they would welcome such menacing. Perhaps you are not quite as badass as you claim to be, Abruptum? Just playing devil's advocate here. I don't want to get close enough to find out, but I figure you can take the criticism. Yeah, I know...fuck me. But I'm still the only member of NBMRC, so there.

1 comment:

Lord Grimsmear said...

The perfect post: an update on Immortal, the introduction of an alleged threat to their greatness, the words "Cunt Grishfuck," and, holy shit, a black metal dwarf. The Norwegian Black Metal Research Commission (NBMRC) presidency is clearly in good hands. Once the money starts rolling in, though, I'd be happy to serve as Treasurer.