Who is the person responsible for this monumental feat? Why it's Jenny McCarthy, former Playboy Playmate and MTV shill- turned-antivaccine kooktard! Oprah, who has already shoved Dr. Phil and Ekhart Tolle down our throats, has decided it would be a great idea to give Jenny a blog and a talk show of her own, thereby giving her more mediums to peddle her "save measles, polio and rubella from extinction" propaganda.
Before I make fun of her blog, it should be noted that Jenny, who became famous by picking her nose and eating her own vomit on television, and her boyfriend Jim Carrey are currently the spokesbimbos of a movement of SUV-driving soccer parents that believe childhood vaccines cause autism. Before Jenny's son Evan was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, she believed he was a psychic crystal child who was part of an emerging group of "human angels."
After he was diagnosed, she dropped the crystal child schtick and started putting him through all sorts of crazy diets and alternative therapies, including chelation metal detox, which is extremely dangerous, toxic and potentially fatal.
She also recently said this to TIME magazine:
I do believe sadly it's going to take some diseases coming back to realize that we need to change and develop vaccines that are safe. If the vaccine companies are not listening to us, it's their fucking fault that the diseases are coming back. They're making a product that's shit. If you give us a safe vaccine, we'll use it. ... If you ask a parent of an autistic child if they want the measles or the autism, we will stand in line for the fucking measles.
In other words, she believes this is acceptable. So, you know, she's exactly the kind of person you'd want to be taking health and diet advice from! Thanks, Oprah!
The Jenny show thankfully hasn't started yet, but she's full speed ahead on her ridiculous blog already. If she wasn't so fucking annoying and adamant about spreading dangerous pseudoscience, I'd almost feel sorry for her, as the poor thing's brain seems to have stopped growing around age five. She writes like she's been on a five-day Adderall bender. Behold a few words of wisdom from the brain trust that is Jenny McCarthy (all sic):
I also found some corn flakes that were fruit-juice sweetened. It's amazing how much you could find when you actually look.
You know those charity chocolate bars that school girls sell for $1? Well, I bought $500 of them! I wonder if I'm gonna detox.
Part of letting go of something sweet makes me feel like I have nothing sweet in my life. Yes, I can look at my beautiful child and awesome husband (yes, I call him that) and know that I have sweetness living with me, but I can't necessarily have them as dessert. Aren't there any chocolate puddings that are sweetened with fruit juice? Can't Willy Wonka himself ring my doorbell right now and say, "Here is the super-dooper-choco-delicious-non-dairy-sugar-free-fruit-juice-sweetened-candy bar" and save me from my PMS/no-sugar blues? Hmmm.
I told Jim the government doesn't need to have spies to find where you are. They can just Twitter you. LOL!
At least I got smart and taught myself to stay away from what I call "the devil" (what most people refer to as high-fructose corn syrup). I would like to get Evan completely off sugar too. God, I hope he doesn't hate me someday! LOL. After all, I've written six books about him so far. You know, as soon as he turns 16, I am sure he is going to write one called, "Mom, Leave Me Alone!" LOL!
Is LOL totally out and hahaha in? I just dunno.
If that didn't make you LOL or POTK (puke on the keyboard), then wait until you hear about this crazy diet she's on! Because Jenny is into all manner of spiritual/holistic gobbledegook, she's urging the readers of her page to join her in a special "Give It Up By Summer" purge. What's she giving up?
• refined sugar
Add to that list: fun, enjoyment, pleasure, excitement and anything interesting to talk about. You know people who diet like this have nothing to talk about except their diet, whether it's to bitch about it or get all self-righteous about it. Jenny is in the second group. She thinks she's on to something that "doctors" and "nutritionists" and "people with more than two brain cells to rub together" can't figure out.
She's so into it that she devotes an entire post to complaining about how airport security wouldn't let her take her sugar-free strawberry jelly on the plane. She even took a picture of the jelly jar, which she refers to as "the last photo of my dear friend", before the security fascists made her throw it in the trash. This seriously seems to have ruined her entire day. I guess she must have missed the giant signs plastered over every inch of the airport and loud announcements every 30 seconds about how you're not allowed to take liquids of more than 3 oz. on board. Jelly is a liquid, Jenny. Or she just didn't care and assumed that because she's a STAH she can do whatever she wants. Bitch!
Most of her posts center around her diet and how hard it is and other tired, overdone, "sigh, it's so hard being a woman!" blathering. "I hate clothes shopping!" "I found a gray hair!" "I miss chocolate!" She obviously gets blog topic ideas from Cathy cartoons.
But the saddest part (so far) is the post she did about poop. Not surprising that Jenny McCarthy would discuss poop, right? But this post is enough to make you demand CPS moves in and gets Evan out of that crazy house as soon as humanly possible. Here's why:
I continuously monitor Evan's poop by sending it to labs to get tested to make sure things are all running smoothly (no yeast, no bacteria, no infections). Sometimes these things can exist without any physical manifestations, so I like to test for them to make sure he is in perfect health.
She continually monitors Evan's poop and SENDS IT TO LABS FOR TESTING??? The kid is seven years old—old enough that his little friends are going to find out and kick his ass to the point where no hyperbaric chamber can help him. I'm sorry, but this is child abuse. Jenny McCarthy is a monster!
And it gets worse. After sending her own shit off for a lab test, she became even more convinced that her entire family's bodies are loaded with crud.
Low and behold, my tests came back and I'm a mess! I have two gnarly gut bugs, and I have extremely high amounts of yeast in my gut. So, I started myself on an antifungal, and my poops have been phenomenal! Yeast, yeast, yeast, all coming out!
Can you imagine her staring out the window waiting nervously for the mailman to deliver her lab tests? And her mouth dropping open with horror when she discovers she's spilling over with yeast? And now, after taking an "antifungal" (like what, Lotrimin?), her shits can only be described as phenomenal? And did she say gnarly?
Her preoccupation with poop is psychotic. I looked it up (and you shouldn't because some really weird shit—literally—came up) and she is a copromaniac! I already knew Oprah was a kook magnet, but this is beyond ridiculous. Jenny McCarthy must be stopped! Every time you see her, take her sugar-free jelly away...it's like kryptonite! Then, bombard her from every angle with sugary snacks, cigarettes and anything yeasty. Don't stop until she promises to say she loves vaccines!
She and Gwyneth should get together and talk about their favorite cleanses and how to suck the joy, fun and excitement out of
every meal, conversation and aspect of life they can think of. And maybe Jenny can recruit Gwyneth to join her crusade to kill kids. It'll be fun!
Speaking of Paltrow, this week in STOOP, Gwynnie and a lineup of "super cool music experts" like Samantha Ronson, DJ AM and Guy Oseary choose their favorite "party jams." I guess it all depends on what kind of party you want to throw and how much of Madonna's ass you want to kiss. Some of the choices are pretty good and others are...huh? "1979"? "How Soon Is Now"??? Coldplay????? (Guess who picked that one.)
The best part is Gwyneth's painful attempts at sounding cool. She urges readers to get their "mother lovin' dance shoes on." She praises DJ AM's "wicked remixes". Of Gabe Tesoriero of Def Jam, she declares, "his iPod always makes it happen." And of herself, she says, "Gwyneth Paltrow is not a music expert but is an avid listener and knows how to get down." You know, I'm pretty confident that's not true. I could be wrong, but using context clues has served me pretty well in the past.
Also, I'm dying to get in on the action. Here are a few "party jams" for Gwyneth:
"Galang" — M.I.A.
"Galvanize" — The Chemical Brothers
"You Can't Do That To Me" — The Ettes
"Sour Cherry" — The Kills
"Dying In A Nightmare" — Ocean Ghosts
"Little Bitch" — The Specials
"Got To Give It Up" — Marvin Gaye
"Spitfire" — The Prodigy
"Have Love Will Travel" — The Sonics
"Peter Piper" — Run-D.M.C.