The most wonderful time of the year

"I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed."
—Charles S. Brown

With those immortal words, we now enter the impiously stressful time of year known as "the holidays." Are you ready? Got enough money and Percoset to get you through? Even I can see that the Pixy can only help us so much.

There are more things to loathe about December than there are to like, to the point where I just needed to stop writing or start a whole new blog just to rag on Christmas. So I tried to narrow it down to this ranty little list; let me know your thoughts. Trust me, it will help to get it out, and may also save a life.

10. Ridiculous decorations
Don't get me wrong, I like Christmas lights just as much as the next person. But what is up with those giant, inflatable snowglobes everyone is tethering to their front yards, thousand-watt spotlights trained on them and giant, energy-sucking fans blowing asbestos-laden "snow" all over the place? Whenever I see these things, I immediately start imagining a Hindenburg-style disaster or picture Dad innocently plugging in a new power tool and sending the whole neighborhood into blackout. Also, they don't seem to work very well because 10 out of every 12 I see are lying flaccid in someone's front lawn with some hapless flunky pulling their hair out trying to find the leak. Because that's what Christmas is all about: bending over on the front lawn with your crack hanging out trying to fix the latest decoration mishap.

9. Unclear plans from family
"OK, we're going to go to Bev's for brunch and then Dick and Martha's for lunch, but we might go shopping at some point, depending on when Doug and Barb show up because they're opening gifts early because the kids are doing dinner with Grant's family on Christmas day, but then Brenda wants us to have dinner over at her house and you know how upset she got last year when we went to Hal and Char's instead after she made all that food, so we'll need to get there by 8 and on the way stop by Meijer so Dad can do his shopping. So just meet us at the mall around 3:30, but keep your phone on just in case things change. Oh, and don't forget to wrap those stocking stuffers before you leave and drop them off at Gwen's so the kids will have something to open later tonight."

8. The "War On Christmas"
Those godless liberals are trying to make us forget about Jesus for two seconds by replacing "Christmas" with "Xmas. Never mind that "X" actually means "Christ"—that's not important right now. "X" makes people think of X-rated movies and s-e-x and we just can't have that during this time of year that's all about love!

7. Horrible Christmas specials
It's the lighting of the Rockefeller Center tree with Regis Philbin, Hilary Duff and Jenna Morasca! Happy Holidays from the Simpsons—featuring Jessica and Ashlee in a classic-in-the-making duet of "Little Drummer Boy"! Up on the housetop...with the Bush family! The plus side of all this madness is unintensional hilarity. Remember the Ewok dance number from the "Star Wars" special years ago? Kathie Lee trotting Frank and her future-meth-addict kids out to sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" to an uncaring audience? "A Very Brady Christmas"?

6. COMMERCIALS
My current "favorites" are the jewelry ads. If they are to be believed, the mere glimpse of something shiny in a small box will cause a woman to immediately drop to her knees and administer the sexual favor of your choice. Just once I'd like to see some truth in these commercials. How about one that shows some nine-year-olds mining diamonds with guns to their heads and the tagline "Sure, they come from a dark and corrupt place, but who cares? These kids think having toilet paper is a status symbol! And they're shiny!"

Also of note is the M&Ms ad that has been running for years where Santa sees the M-men, gasps "They DO exist!" and faints—good lord, film a new frigging commercial already!—anything that bastardizes a Christmas song with greedy new lyrics and (as usual) anything dealing with Wal-Mart.

5. The Salvation Army
For an organization that aims to make the holidays more enjoyable for everyone, they certainly are losing credibility with that annoying bell-ringing. Everytime that bell rings, a homeless person loses more of a chance of getting a hot meal on Christmas Day.

4. "Secret Santa" gift exchanges at work
This phenomenon is a highly underrated annoyance of the holiday season. It's fun and everything...if you're 10 and you're trading trinkets with people who are happy with a notepad with little kitties wearing Santa hats all over it. But when you're drawing names from a pool of people you barely know and largely don't like much anyway, it really is the dumbest idea in the whole world. What are you going to get for the chick you make small-talk with at the coffee maker a couple times a month or the guy that was behind you in line for the copier last week? The answer is always the same: a mug filled with holiday Hershey kisses. Why not just call it a mug-filled-with-holiday-Hershey-kisses exchange and get it over with? Let's just be realistic here.

3. Bratty children
Here's a little game; while you're out and about this December, count how many times you hear a derivative of the classic empty threat "If you don't straighten up, Santa's not going to come this year!" I'm going to bet that Santa stops at every single one of those houses anyway. Talk about not saying what you mean and meaning what you say. This alone just lets brats know how much power they really have. Santa is also an anagram for "satan", you know, so I guess that would make children satan's minions.

2. Music
No need to expound on this.

1. The Doorbusters
This is what Christmas is all about, folks: who gets there first, who gets the last one and who steps on the most people to do it. So the next time you're at the bottom of a pile of warring shoppers punching each other out for a $14 DVD player, just remind yourself it's all in the spirit of the magical holiday season.

Happy holidays, everyone!

What's wrong with me??

Every year about this time, everyone starts grousing about how the Christmas solicitation starts earlier and earlier. I'm no exception. I don't care who is chosen as the Big Lots "spokeself" or if some drone is so proud of himself that he managed to keep blood-coated, terrorist-funding diamonds successfully hidden from his harpy wife. And who in this world has ever gotten a Lexis with a big, red bow around it on Christmas morning? Give me a break.

Not to sound like Charlie Brown or anything, but all this commercialism and pressure to one-up everyone on gifts doesn't spread cheer—it's spreads misery, stress and angst. What we need is a little more magic and wonderment put back into the holiday season. And I can think of the perfect person to do just that:

The Pixy!

Meet Randy Constain. He's 53 years old (seriously??), but refuses to acknowledge the second digit of his age, which actually makes him five. He lives in Florida and he dresses like this all the time. Except when he's dressing up as the Blue Boy, a dance recital girl, or Little Lord Faulteroy.

So what's the story here? Well, the Pixy's philosophy is the same as Viv Savage's—"Have a good time ALL THE TIME"—and he proclaims himself "on strike" from growing up. Also, the Pixy sings. "So who is Peter Pan? A child within a man combined to remind you that it's okay to come out and play and don't deny your dreeeaaams!"

I won't blame anyone who can't get behind that haircut (did my mom, circa-1981, do that?), but you've just gotta love this guy. I was going to write more, but I read his life story and now I just can't make fun of him! What's wrong with me?? I've failed you, dear readers. Of all the people I've ridiculed on this blog, this is the one that my little black Grinch heart simply doesn't have the snark for. Maybe because he's so darn sincere. Maybe it's because he has his own Pixy ministry that doesn't exclude anyone. Maybe it's because he wears velveteen jumpers with no qualms whatsoever.

I know what it is—he doesn't take himself seriously, like Tom Cruise does. Enough with Tom Cruise and his fake wedding, let's hear the latest with the Pixy. Kooky as he is, he's got the right idea. Maybe if we all merrily pranced around sprinking fairy dust everywhere we wouldn't find ourselves ready to rip the head off of the soccer mom with the aircraft carrier-size stroller clipping your heels and ramming you out of the way to get to Playstation 3.

Could this be the start of a kinder, gentler RockitQueen? Not a chance. I think even the Pixy would find Immortal's outfits completely absurd.

Random weirdness with no point whatsoever

There seems to be a mysterious smell wafting from the kitchen of my home. I think it might be a rotten banana. At least I hope that's what it is. It's like the Mojave in this place, and not in a good way. Let's just say that whatever it is was just seeing a mirage and succombed to natural dehydration and lack of breatheable air. Before the same happens to me, I'd like to get a few newsy tidbits out to you, none of which I will be proud to say may be the last items I report.

• Recognize that deer-in-the-headlights expression above? It's worn by Jennifer Wilbanks, the so-called "runaway bride". Who can forget her wacky little disappearance that turned out to be a racist, costly, and generally annoying hoax and she had actually consciously ran away from her impending 600-guest, 14-attendant wedding? You may also know that she and her sketchy fiancee are no longer together and that she sold her "story" that will most likely result in a NYT bestseller or some Lifetime Moment of Truth movie. Apparantly she's now suing her sketchy ex. What's that? You don't care? Yeah, I really don't either. Honestly, I was just looking for an excuse to post her mug shot. So here it is! Don't look directly into her eyes—just take my word for it.

Now on to the big scoop...

• If you thought my last report of a celeb sex tape was a libido killer, wait until you hear this: Federfucker is allegedly dangling a homemade porno tape before his estranged wife's disbelieving eyes and threatening to priority mail it to the tabs if she doesn't meet his divorce settlement demands. If there was ever a shred of possibility that Brit had any gray matter at all in that little head of hers, this should squelch it. WHAT AN IDIOT! It's simple math: sex tape = lifelong humiliation. There's no potential in that equation. You record sex, it WILL end up in the hands of someone who was not there. And if you're Britney Spears and you're shooting homemade porn with an unemployed "dancer"/deadbeat dad...it's official: she is the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. I'll admit it: on my BritFed divorce survey I answered "a" on number 3. That's right: Kevin Federline is kind of my hero. Seriously, you'd TOTALLY do the same thing—don't lie! If this whole sex tape thing is true (and I'm betting it is based on all the videotaping they did for that stupid show of theirs), I might even have MORE respect for the guy because he was obviously planning for his future. On top of it all, he's given the no-life public, such as myself, the gift that keeps on giving. Don't run out and by stock in GlaxoSmithKline...I'm talking about a super-juicy celeb divorce. Let the games begin!

• Need a moment of zen? Here you go: Jacko got a blowout.

That's it. Too much freakiness for one day. That smell is less disturbing.

When the children cry, let them know we tried...

I know it's wrong to laugh at this, but fuck the bleeding heart thing...this picture is hilarious!

I'm not in love, so don't forget it

It's just a silly phase I'm goiiin' throughhhhhh...and just because we're all so sad at the demise of Camelot, doesn't mean you can't fill out a survey through you tears. Please respond via the comments section, and thank you for your time.

1. The following song title best reflects your thoughts about the breakup of Britney and Federfucker:
a.) "Love Bites"
b.) "You Give Love A Bad Name"
c.) "I Don't Care Anymore"
d.) "Because I Got High"

2. The following famous movie quote best sums up your feelings about today's announcement:
a.) "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night."
b.) "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
c.) "There's a sucker born every minute."
d.) "It puts the fucking lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again."

3. You're ashamed to admit that...
a.) you kind of admire Kevin Federline.
b.) "Toxic" is catchy.
c.) hearing about the BritFed break-up was the only thing that made you smile today.
d.) you still wear Uggs.

4. The best thing to come out of the BritFed pairing was...
a.) realizing you can have a stylist and still look like ass.
b.) weed supply could not keep up with demand.
c.) feeling really smart.
d.) "PoPoZoa".

5. You predict the next thing to happen in this never-ending saga is:
a.) Britney will interrupt the next major holiday to announce that she is the new Bachelorette.
b.) K-Fed will "host" a porno, a la Snoop Dogg.
c.) a kidnapping plot against one of the babies/dogs will be revealed.
d.) black metal coverage will go up 213% on this blog.

Holy shit, a black metal dwarf!

"The absolutely most evil band in the world are for one not be too big for words."

With that inspirational quote from a black metal website, I'd like to kick off the first-ever report from the Norwegian Black Metal Research Commission (NBMRC). This is a relatively new organization and right now I am the only member, meaning I am also the president by default, but that's not important right now. "Our" aim is to uncover and report on the most outlandish kooks "we" can find from the grim and frostbitten kingdom, to inform and entertain the esteemed readers of Stupid & Contagious.

First an update on your old pals Immortal and it's a big one—the boys are coming to America! Tickets are on sale now for the July 2007 shows in New York and L.A. Are you ready for this? A mere $100 gets you a VIP ticket which comes with unmatched priveledge: first entry into the room at door time, a commemorative show poster and, best of all, a post-show meet and greet with our stinky, sweaty, spiked and studded heroes! Imagine being in such close proximity to Abbath's pit stench and Horgh's gut-guard; the photo op possibilities are endless! I know it seems too good to be true, but it's just a small price to pay for your ears to bleed in the presence of black metal greatness.

This is all well and good, but if Immortal wants to hold onto their title as the most ridiculous black metal band in the land, they better ramp up the absurdity right quick, because they have some stiff competition in Abruptum. In the course of my important research on black metal weirdness, I have not come across any freaks as worthy to dethrone the wearers of the spiked shinguards...until now.

The very attactive line-up of this Swedish duo consists of Evil on "guitars, sounds, piano, darkness", It on "cries, screams, violin, drums, torture" and "whatever other forces have to do with our recording sessions that cannot be mentioned here." It claims that he is so unbelievably fucking evil that he can't even be considered human anymore, thus the inanimate name and the blood-drool makeup. Allegedly, one of the band's original members was thrown out of the group because he was so disturbed by their first demo that he suddenly got religion. No shit! Luckily, they were hellish enough for Euronymous, who called them "the audial presence of pure black evil" and signed them to Deathlike Silence. Two albums were released before Euro's untimely death, a few more were cranked out on other labels and the group eventually disbanded supposedly due to death threats.

If that's not all, the members of Abruptum sure know how to stir up the controversy with some awesome quotes:

"Whatever happens in the studio while recording is both too painful and too private to discuss. Those fuckoffs out there who do not believe in our torture...go and die! Abruptum are original and we are the superior ones so everybody spreading rumors are just jealous and have to be killed for that."

"Black Metal is the greatest music, but I concentrate my thoughts on Satan instead."

"I would like to say that I hate you all and that we are the superior humans. Everybody else should kill themselves or we will do it for you. Soon the great forth reich will rise. You're probably stupid enough to buy our new album as well. Fuck you!"

Oh, and to top it all off, It is a little person. That's right: a black metal dwarf. And in one interview I found he refers to our favorite jailbird Varg Vikernes as "Cunt Grishfuck" and says if he ever runs into the Count again "he will meet his end."

I'm scared—hold me. These mofos seem to be very hardcore. However, they lose some credibility for breaking up over death threats; with all their satanic posturing you'd think they would welcome such menacing. Perhaps you are not quite as badass as you claim to be, Abruptum? Just playing devil's advocate here. I don't want to get close enough to find out, but I figure you can take the criticism. Yeah, I know...fuck me. But I'm still the only member of NBMRC, so there.